The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.
When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.
I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.
If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.
My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.
Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them. Often I wonder though, do they remember?
Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new 
phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings
Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I 
pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.
The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.
As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult 
men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.
I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰
I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️
So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord
Word from Lysa Terkeust: “Satan wants us to be afraid.
I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.
While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.
Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.
Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”
I was thinking back when my former counselor discussed my hesitancy for me to even go to the grocery store, I would put it off and cringed as I walk through the store hiding behind the grocery cart. My hiding became worse when my boys went off to college because I had no need to be in the outside world, other than work. Home to work, work to home and hibernate in my bedroom until the next morning. I knew I was depressed but I knew I was also unhappy in my situation and had been. The empty nest wrecked havoc on my life, more alone than ever, no joy and now no laughter existed.
matter, it came down to my weight and the fear of the arena seats. I had my sister go with my husband to the arena with my camera and instructions to take many pictures. My sister and my husband got along great, actually she is the only one in my family that tolerates him, and still. I went to my younger son’s performance. All is well. My sister took many pictures and one was absolutely perfect.
We never know what the next person to us or in our paths are going through. Nobody knew my situation for a long time, even in mine or his family or our friends. I wore the mask well.
Oftentimes, many look at heavy set women, and men, think that they are lazy. Perhaps they are but underneath the layers of fat are layers of pain. Physical pain as well as mental, spiritual but most will be emotional pain. They need hope and encouragement. It is none of our business to have all the details what made them that way, but there is a story behind the emotional eating.
turning it around with weight loss, hours and years of counseling, pushing myself out of my comfort zones, involved in church, groups, etc., walking in 5K marathons, but most of all acknowledging and knowing that I AM WORTHY and that God loves ME no matter. I never could grasp those words and now I do not want to let go of them.
Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.
It drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 
even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up. We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.
where my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.
are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.
Just Pondering... 