Emotions – Page 16 – Just Pondering…

Small Doses

May 25, 2020May 25, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

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Today, I was expecting nothing but a nice quiet day or at least most of the day in my home. Even though it is Memorial Day, my husband goes to play golf, no family was coming over so just a low-key day. It was short lived, guess it was too hot and understandably so. I tend to get more done when he is out of the house. There is a freedom, not a draining, boring, no laughter kind of day. Sad, isn’t it that I feel that way?

Yesterday, we spent the day in our son’s back yard to cut limbs and clean up so he can enjoy the property of his house rental. I love his back yard and during this pandemic of quarantine, we did not make trips, which is only an hour away. He did a lot on his own, which has been good for him and we just helped push him forward a little faster. It was a good, hot day to do this and it was nice to get away

Many times when we have days like this together, I have to bring things back down to existence between me and him. Existence of just married, basically a business partnership. For the most part, it works, financially, why not.

If I could live with previous years when it was so bad, really bad, I can deal with it now, as I continue to get clarity and get stronger within myself and put boundaries in place. Those days, as in yesterday, being together kinda sorta in a big yard, it seems he thinks we are a happily married couple. He will tell his parents or his chiropractor usually of what we did, putting a spin on what fun ‘we’ had. Over and over again I see this routine. Denial runs in his family so this just ranks right up there.

The next day or week, he will say with such a sweet, soft and sickening voice, which is do you want to do this, want to go here or there, etc. No. No thank you. The same tone when he talked to our dog. This has been learned way to speak in order to relate to others, whether it be others, me or the dog. I feel mean when I say no thank you but, no. I can only handle him in small doses and yesterday that dosage was an overdose, and I must set my boundaries. You do your thing and I will do mine and we are both happy.

Now you are probably thinking, but he asked if you wanted to do this or that and was so nice. I have had that said to me more than once, because they do not understand what I am dealing with or have dealt with. Yes he was nice, and I was nice and said no thank you. To turn him down, you are probably thinking I am just a mean old witch. Have you walked in my shoes? Have you felt emotionally ignored in a marriage? There is more than shopping or hearing his intellectual murmurings of whatever is of interest to him that would make one bang their head on a brick wall. There is no connection, no emotional support, no real marriage. It is just an existence of two people under one roof, thankfully space between us.

If you have read any of my writings, I have mentioned Aspergers. After years and years of not knowing what was wrong, taking it all upon myself that it was me. He is the intelligent one, and he will tell you just that, so it must be me, I’m stupid. He will walk away from an issue that needs both of our attention and I need his input. He hears my tone getting a bit higher because he has ignored previous attempts, so he walks away. So again it’s me, my fault. If I make a wrong decision, it’s my fault, which is too much pressure. To see him look at other women, I am not pretty or sexy enough. To call him out on it and each time deny although I watched this play out a million times, same result. So it must be me, I am seeing things, making it up, feeling like I am crazy. Shall I go on? Too fat, ugly, fat and depressed will add just several more areas dealt with. Years and years of this, it does makes one feel crazy.

Had it not been for my former counselor in 2014 to recognize what I was expressing, I really do not know where I would be today. Twenty-five years of not knowing and feeling the craziness can take a toll on a person’s emotional, physical, mental and spiritual life. You just exist from day to day with no joy.

Sadly, this is very typical in marriages when one has Aspergers and the spouse is a neurotypical. It is a crazy-making life.

So if a friend or family member confides in you, needing to vent and need you to hear them, listen. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t just say it is married life, it will get better, etc. Just maybe, this is Aspergers.

Too much time together, is too much time together.

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My Hiding Place’s

May 20, 2020May 20, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

F87F5CD4-B789-4CC2-B605-B11071B3CD93 One day recently, I had time of which I have had a lot lately, probably you also, with the quarantine upon us all. As I was going through photos from over the years, taking time to organize a bit here and there, which was a nice break from cleaning, etc. Plus, for the most part, memory lane is nice to travel down although at times the tears flow in those memories and then the next photo will bring laughter. This in and out of emotions can make one wonder about their mental status, just saying. We each have emotions and during this time of the pandemic situation, more emotions are exhibited, and are normal.

In that week, I read or heard three counselors express their emotional battle through this pandemic. It just proves that they, too, are human. Two of the three are having the Telehealth counseling with clients dealing with the same and/or other issues. Here each one, although trained to listen, hold and help the client but inside them they also feel the same panic and chaos we all do. Of course, my mind wonders about my former and present counselors. How are they holding up?

About two weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the Lord being my hiding place and He is. Often I have had to hunker down and dwell to have hope to get through this myself and other issues over the years. We each have this hiding place available to us.

Spiritually, He is my hiding place. I can hide from the outside world and let my tears flow, I can be fearful, angry and lost in the chaos around me unsure where or what to do, and He protects me while I regain strength to go forth until I need to hide deep yet again. He is always there for us.

In my life the last six years or so, I have made some changes, around me and within me, I am not the same, thankfully. It feels good to know I am not stuck but inching forward.

I have two physical hiding places that I go to in order to clear my head, to be alone by myself. It’s just me and the Lord, to cry, pray, read, write or do nothing. Just a break in life from everyone and everything. Both places are not far from my home, one north and one south and nobody knows where I am safely tucked away. Of course, I leave names and numbers for contact, if needed, and I am one-hundred 9C21ED44-77E0-4DD8-A785-4DCB5E49F214 percent safe.

Even though I have time on my hands right now due to the restrictions upon us, and basically I am alone in a house of two anyway but my desire is to escape to my hiding place. In time I will but for now, I hope. The anticipation of what is to come.

Years ago and honestly up until 2017, I would not have done this. Always taking the back seat of cares and issues at home, a waste of money on me and every excuse possible because I thought I was not worth it. Oh but I am! The quote that you cannot poor from an empty cup, is true.

“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

I could have been a better me, with others. To go back many years of when my boys were young and still at home, I could have been a better mom. A better wife, if I had taken care of me more. It is not selfish. I cannot do anything to change the past but I do have a say in my future.

To finally get to the point in my senior years now and to deeply feel, that I am worthy, is pretty sweet. It was worth all the pain I have gone through, disappointments, heartaches, rejection, you name it and to finally feel worthy, is like precious gold.

Why did it take me so long to grasp the knowledge of knowing I am worthy, precious to God, I am loved, etc.? I knew but I did not know deep within. I could share of His Love to others, how He has blessed me in so many ways where at times it is mind boggling of His mercy and grace, of how He can do the same for them (you), and encourage others. I do know though that something in 2017 clicked within me. Acceptance of His worthiness.

Perhaps I needed to walk through life, feel the pain, but also see that His Hand has been on my life through it all. Had I not gone through some areas in life, I would not be sharing here and now, as I have a story. My story is His story sharing the mercy and grace bestowed upon me. We each have a story of the same, but do you recognize it?

So whether I go to my north or south hiding place, to be alone, I know I have a hiding place available twenty-four, seven, right where I am. He is there for me to calm my fears, collect my tears and give me hope to keep moving forward and hopefully offer encouragement. He does have a plan and a purpose for each of us.

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https://ponderingmissylou.com/2020/03/22/im-going-to-hide/

Hand Me Down

May 7, 2020May 9, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

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Through the years I have encouraged many to have pictures taken of their hand upon their loved ones hand and even vice versa. It will be a treasure the rest of your life, at the ending of theirs.

While I have encouraged many, I did not do it myself. The cell phones we have today with cameras were not as popular or even available back in 1996, although not for certain, knowing I did not have one.

My hands now are my mother’s hands. I never realized this until my niece grabbed my hands at the dinner table, many years ago and was in awe saying, “You have Grandma’s hands.” I do and even her swollen, aching knuckles she complained about of which I don’t care for, but thankfully just two on each hand and that is enough.

As Mother’s Day approaches this weekend, I tend to get somewhat melancholy. Wondering will my boys remember me, do they think I was a good enough mother, etc. On the other side, being a daughter, I found this date to be awkward.

My mother will always be my mom, of course, but all throughout my childhood to adulthood, we never had the mother-daughter relationship. I found myself yearning for motherly love from other mother figures and felt free to share my thoughts, touch their hand and hug. Never understanding why I felt guarded with my own mother. I know she loved me, I was her daughter. I loved her, she was my mother. It was just the acceptance of love that existed but not freely shown or spoken. What a disappointment in life.

As a family, there were many fun times, mostly with beer, at our house with many around, when I was a child. Later, it became less people in our house, as my siblings moved on with their lives. I was a late baby so I am still home. Due to work of both parents back then, the house was quiet, more seriousness, sometimes verbal bickering and I sensed jealousy, which became the norm. On top of this, I watched my dad drink heavily and then it flipped-flopped, like overnight, and mom took over the role of an alcoholic.

Understanding and realizing what I endured, I am an adult child of alcoholics with childhood emotional neglect. It all makes sense even though, so sad. Reading lately about Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), a book by Pete Walker, that can be thrown in the mix, too. In research, I have found that each of these intertwine. Since 2014, my eyes have been opened to so many things of my past and present, hopefully in recognizing and changing of my future.

My mom passed away in January, 1996. My marriage was unsettled, feeling it was all my fault. I was dealing with our young children, watching other children, tending to my father four times a day with a feeding tube, his house, our house, finances, life insurance with mom, etc., all the way down to taking out the garbage. There was no time to grieve.

It was when I stood in the grocery store, in the aisle with greeting cards and looked at Mother’s Day cards knowing I did not need to get one that year. Through the years, I would read and put back many cards as they read of the closeness and the mushy stuff between a mother and a daughter, which I never had. I just needed one to be straightforward, Happy Mother’s Day, signing my name possibly noted, with love. Standing there looking at the cards, I could not get out of the store quick enough, the grief and sadness of it all took me by surprise that day. Still, each time as I stand in the card aisle looking for just the right card to give to someone, I always remember that moment. Those silly Hallmark cards, they get me all the time. Sometimes thinking that the intercom will come on announcing, cleanup in the card aisle, a lady is crying a river.

The love was present, just knowing, and I was taken care of in the physical sense with clean clothes, nice house, etc. The outside looked fine and I learned early on how to wear and adjust my mask to appear happy, when the inside of me there was always a little girl crying out for love and attention.

While in 2014, walking in the counselor’s office about a different matter, which we discussed and I understood, it was when she said, “Now, let’s deal with you.”

While this was a surprise to me, it was not to the Lord. I have no doubt that He prepared this counselor for this time and place in my life. All through my life, I yearned for motherly hugs, never knowing why and it bothered me. It made me feel like I could not show love or receive love from my own mother (family), always coming up with the ‘what is wrong with me’ mentality. Shame had taken hold of me early on as a child, building year by year, basically stomping me down over and over of the unworthiness and feeling unlovable.

Today, meaning this time in my life, understanding the ramifications of areas mentioned, it helps me to know the whys and not question, to notice the shame as it tries to attach itself to me. I never thought I would ever get over the screams within for the hugs needed, but I have. At times wondering if I had put walls up, so that I would not be hurt again of not needing those motherly hugs, but it was and has been different. Understanding brings healing to the broken places within that the Lord knew I needed mending, and she helped me to find clarity.

Thankfully, the counselor knew me well enough in those four years, that she could probably hear the screams within or see in my eyes, oftentimes me saying in reluctance and embarrassment, Please Hug Me!

I love not having the deep yearning for love and acceptance of others. I can leave one that was or is like a mother figure, or perhaps maybe we do hug, but not feel the deep torment of the love and care needed in the loneliness felt, as I walk away. To accept myself, to care, to love, to know and that I am lovable, there is a freedom and a healing that I have never, ever experienced. 549D22D1-1FC2-4533-9AB0-889B7B9E4E9F

Mother’s Day brings many emotions for my own mom, those fill-in mothers in my life and for myself, as a mom.

Happy mother's day - brush calligraphy greeting. Vector illustration. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you as a mom. If you are a son or a daughter, and your mother is living, you need to contact her. If she has passed, you can still whisper or say, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Mom’s everywhere need to know they are not forgotten on this day.

This has been an emotional blog for me to write, as I have missed out on so many levels of love. Even though, the tears flow and I stop to mourn the loss between words, there is a joy within, as I am not the same person. As I look at my hands, my mother’s hands, they can hug that little girl within and bring comfort to the lack of love known so well, with the screams silenced, and healing to my mending heart day by day.

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