I really do enjoying going to plays and sporting events but through the years I withdrew going because of the seats. When younger, it was not a big issue but when marriage, children and weight gain, I was unhappy in my marriage and the emotional eating took reigns over my life. I hid and was very self-conscious of my weight and my hips, a pear shaped body.
I am sure others can relate as weight gain causes many issues, the emotional toil that unhappiness brings and in whatever circumstances. The hopelessness builds and soon no desire to be in the outside world. Just hide.
I was thinking back when my former counselor discussed my hesitancy for me to even go to the grocery store, I would put it off and cringed as I walk through the store hiding behind the grocery cart. My hiding became worse when my boys went off to college because I had no need to be in the outside world, other than work. Home to work, work to home and hibernate in my bedroom until the next morning. I knew I was depressed but I knew I was also unhappy in my situation and had been. The empty nest wrecked havoc on my life, more alone than ever, no joy and now no laughter existed.
My oldest was to perform in a large football stadium with the college band, he was the lead percussionist. I will go out on a limb for my children and push myself while freezing of fear inside. Enjoying but falling apart inside.
My boss gave me two tickets to go see my son perform, which I thought was so thoughtful. Two tickets. I knew one was for me and one for my husband. My thought immediately went to two things, one that I had to take my husband and at that time in my life, I hated the man. The other were the seats, wondering if I could even fit. Anxiety to the max and making me feel worse than I was already. How would I deal with this nice gesture from my boss, was always on the back of my mind counting the days down of the event.
To add onto the matter, my other son had an event the same day and time, at another location. I cannot do both and neither could their father. As I weighed out the 
matter, it came down to my weight and the fear of the arena seats. I had my sister go with my husband to the arena with my camera and instructions to take many pictures. My sister and my husband got along great, actually she is the only one in my family that tolerates him, and still. I went to my younger son’s performance. All is well. My sister took many pictures and one was absolutely perfect.
I felt like I disappointed my boss though, as he bought those tickets for me. Now another task I need to concern myself with and that was how do I tell him that I did not go. How do you tell him that I did not want to be with my husband or feared I would not fit in the seat? Knowing one day I will share with him but it is not time yet. Thankfully, he knew of my predicament with my other son and the time constraint but I am sure disappointed. I was, too, for that matter. In more reasons than many realized. It’s done, over, let’s move on.
In other events, with other arena seats, I could not avoid. I made the best of it but uncomfortable. Uncomfortable sitting and the pain within of depression. Once settled in my seat, I would glance over and see another large woman squeezing in her seat. My thoughts of I understand plus wondering if she, too, was struggling with depression, probably so; were they happily married, I do not know but doubtful. It kept my mind occupied while avoiding the close quarters of my own relationship. To escape mentally but wanting to physically.
We never know what the next person to us or in our paths are going through. Nobody knew my situation for a long time, even in mine or his family or our friends. I wore the mask well.
To see my picture recently from back then to now, side by side, I look so different. Not even the same person, which is good. I could see the sadness in my puffy, fat face and remember what struggles I went through and endured for years. It’s sad to even look at honestly, such a difference.
Oftentimes, many look at heavy set women, and men, think that they are lazy. Perhaps they are but underneath the layers of fat are layers of pain. Physical pain as well as mental, spiritual but most will be emotional pain. They need hope and encouragement. It is none of our business to have all the details what made them that way, but there is a story behind the emotional eating.
While I have made some changes in my life in all areas right past five years, it feels good. I feel good, better than I did, maybe ever. It has not been easy but I knew I had to take the bull by the horns to be in this place. As the old saying goes, don’t forget where you came from, is a wise one. As with me, I did not go through all of my pain of a sad and lonely marriage, wearing a mask to appear happy, fear of arena seats, weight gain, depression, just to name a few. Plus, 
turning it around with weight loss, hours and years of counseling, pushing myself out of my comfort zones, involved in church, groups, etc., walking in 5K marathons, but most of all acknowledging and knowing that I AM WORTHY and that God loves ME no matter. I never could grasp those words and now I do not want to let go of them.
Do I still dread the arena seats? Honestly, I don’t dread as much but I do dislike. I may fit somewhat better now but going down memory triggers a depressive state within for a period, memories I would rather forget.
We all go through situations in life. Oftentimes, our pain and experience is to help others… to go through. We do go THROUGH! Don’t give up. Trust Him!
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
Some days, don’t you just want to scream and really say what you want? Restraint is required many times. Right? Thoughts of saying what I want runs rampant all the while biting my tongue or afterward wishing I said this or that as I replayed the situation over and over in my mind.
It drives me absolutely insane. Just this past weekend, while walking, I had some major pain in my right leg. This happened recently, too, when walking a 5K. I did not know what was happening and 
even wondered if I was having a stroke. While trying to remain calm while in pain, I flexed my right arm, twisted my mouth, talked just to see if I could and made sense. Everything seemed fine, it was just my whole right leg. I thought I would not make it to the finish line. Just let me sit down on the bridge and come get me is about what I wanted to say to my friend I was walking with, as the pain was beyond what I thought I could cope with. I had to mentally focus on the finish line while physically I wanted to give up. We were not as close as I wanted to be but I made it. I was so happy to cross the finish line, somewhat limping. Maybe it was just stress built up from what I just endured the two weeks prior and my whole leg got the blunt of the pain. I never had this pain before when walking, ever.
where my hand landed on my leg, just resting, which was on my shin bone area, as I continued to talk. He proceeded telling me where ‘my pain’ was at, since my hand was there. No! I tried to explain further that the pain was not my shin bone (shin splints), but I found myself frustrated with him discounting my pain. Usually when I get to this point, I will reply with never mind and move on, I quit trying to explain myself.
are, I will not bring up the pain in my leg from walking again, unless he asks. I was triggered, which made me shut down, having no voice. I recognized it instead of holding that grudge and being mad for hours or days. This was something that I dealt with all my life. I do have a voice and instead of shutting down, I should have just expressed that he was not hearing me, actually I do try and tried in this situation, but I have learned there is no use. So to him, I was grouchy.
As I sat and talked with my counselor the other night, we covered a lot of ground, as I try to understand myself and as she is trying to understand me. Counseling has been good for me the past five years. I am not the same person that I was when I first walked into my former counselor’s office. It has been a safe place to share anything and everything, not be judged, ridiculed or made to feel less than, adding to shame.
talking, laughing and drinking beer. I had this one Barbie doll that I probably picked out to buy that reminded me of her, with short dark hair. We all know, Barbie dolls are perfect.
before you go over a hill. I was always alert of my surroundings when going down this main highway because of that, as I would see a light in her kitchen window. To me, that light brought a calmness because I knew she was there. Was she? I do not know for sure but the light helped me to cope in my life at that time. Silly but I did that.
somewhat. While having her as a teacher one year, she was out several times for medical reasons. I missed her, I was concerned about her and could not wait for her to return. The class sang this goofy song a boy wrote when she returned, I remember still to this day, as if it was just last week. Sigh of relief, she was back.
Just Pondering... 