I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.
No doubt, at certain times or in joking, the lyrics of that song were sung and maybe deep down wishing it to be true. I know I have, many times.
Remembering a time while talking to my counselor yesterday, there was a time I did take a jet plane and flew out west to visit a friend. I needed time away and was desperate to get out of my life, an escape. It was probably the worst time of my life, feeling lost and numb and wanting to walk away from everything and everybody. Trusting few as my trust in others was growing smaller and smaller. How could I open up to a pastor or church leadership when the preaching and so forth was on faith, trust God, your joy is in the Lord, etc. Why be subjected to more pressure of not having enough faith and be disillusioned even further of my church family that seemed as distant and trustworthy as my own family. Where do I go?
Thankfully, through these years, I knew enough and was strong enough in my Christian walk to know that the Lord was my only hope. I have always heard through many sermons that we must know the Bible enough to grasp hold to the words as if we did not have a Bible to reference. Plus, we cannot depend upon others to walk this Christian way for us. I was learning that well through this dark, lonely wilderness. I had nobody. At times I felt invisible and walking through a maze blindly.
Since that time, I have managed and all by the Grace of God. When I felt so alone, I knew deep down that He knew my name and He knew where I was and I had to say those words aloud so many times in desperation, “Lord, you know my name and you know where I am.” It has been hard at times and still feeling my way through the maze of chaos and confusion but the end is in sight, I know it is. There is joy and then there is fear and sometimes they seem to slap one another within my mind.
I am at a point again to escape but this time to settle some things and get a new perspective, alone. Just me and God. A sweet friend said the other day that she did this at a pivotal point in her life, just her and God hashing it out. That is exactly where I am. To escape as there has to be more and I need His direction.
Life can be overwhelming and we can be consumed with hopelessness in situations. If you make no changes in your circumstances, nothing will change. We have to make a decision to want more. I seriously started with this change back in 2014. It seems like forever ago but there was a lot to sift through and I do not regret the time spent, financial aspect or the emotions expressed. I am not the same person I was when I walked in my counselor’s office the first day, back in September, 2014. I had to and you have to make a decision to start taking care of YOU. Nobody will do this for you.
Sometimes we have to escape to find ourselves. It’s okay!
“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove. I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah. I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest” (Psalm 55:6-8).
https://stillnessofthemorning.wordpress.com/tag/psalm-556-8/
There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
Just Pondering... 