There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
To receive my trust, to know me, to hear me and to know I was loyal and then to crush my spirit, is like a knife in my back. Sadly, that knife has been there many times. I am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
As I was in counseling for years and still, trying to grasp the fact of this hurt, the betrayal, abandonment, rejection, distrust, lack of vulnerability, to name a few and realizing they were what I have dealt with in life. Now, understanding the areas that get triggered and while pain exists through it, I know it is not the end of the world. Thankfully, I can recognize and name the emotions felt. Like, yes I have been here before and this hurts. It helps when you know what you are dealing with whether that be in the emotions, as such, or even the one causing the pain. We may not understand what the other person is going through or the reason this or that happened but give grace and forgiveness, move on.
You would think that the ones that cared and loved you would not do such damage, but it happens. Shocking.
The question lingers… Who do you trust?
It is hard to be vulnerable knowing that just this can happen. You think you are in a safe place in a relationship but again, it happens.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
One thing I do know, is that the enemy wants nothing more to make us and help us believe the lies in order to stop our growth. The thoughts bombard our mind to just to stop it ALL. I felt this so strongly the last few weeks. I do not know who to trust or to be vulnerable with and share; so the thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
I know better though because I went down that road before for years. I recognize the enemy at work in my mind and my emotions. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and getting close to freedom in life and to feel joy. I want that in my life.
The knife in my back yet again is just that. What’s new? I made it before, I’ll make it again. At least I know how to walk through this with more coping skills than I had years ago and I see it as it is. The pain exists, tears come and go from the disappointment. Before, I would take it all upon myself, as there is something wrong with me or it is my fault, etc., but I am not taking the blunt of the negative feedback trickling in my thoughts.
Sadly, many get to this point as such or similar and consider the situation hopeless, too tired to work through the despair. Suicide is rampant among us all. Keep going, you will get through this. Today might be rough but tomorrow will be better.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
Any negative thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have, not to forget the anger that rises up in my attitude, I know I must forgive the one(s) that hurt me. I know, too, that I am to pray for them.
If you also are experiencing some pain or issues in life, trust Him. He knows your name and exactly where you are, too. Life will throw us some punches and knifes in the back but we need to keep moving forward. You’ve got this!
The Bible gives advice about trusting others after we’ve been hurt. Trusting God is the first, most important step. When we know that, no matter what men do to us, God will always be there, faithful and true and trustworthy, it is easier to handle betrayal or disappointments. Psalm 118:6 says, “The Lord is on my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
The second step after being hurt by trusting others is forgiveness. As Jesus told Peter, if a brother sins against you seventy-seven times a day and comes back asking for forgiveness, we should forgive (Matthew 18:21–22).