What’s wrong with me? Ever ask that of yourself? 
Today, I did. It’s been a long time, I realized, since I have asked that and I did not miss it.
I thought I would try to listen to my former counselor’s video today while working on a project at work. One of the best counselors out there, and I am thankful to have had her in my life. Even after today, an emotional ride.
Even though I made it through the video, once it was over my throat was tight of anxiety, I felt sad and immediately went to the question that I have been able to ward off, which is ‘What is wrong with me?’ Sadness hit me hard with that and all the negative thoughts of unworthiness, unlovable, etc.
If I wasn’t in my office and having the auditor in the next room, I do believe I could have cried a river. Tears still leaked out my eyes but a big gush was in there, I was about to burst, an emotional breakdown. 
So many sessions over the four years together, and we have discussed this matter so often, but I apparently still get triggered. Understanding my childhood of emotional neglect, shame, abandonment, etc., of which my blogs express at times, I will always be triggered. It’s how I handle it.
Perhaps just the fact of hearing her voice, as we are no longer counselor/client due to her health issues, my own grieving with this loss but I also felt hurt by her. I just don’t understand the whys that linger in my mind and my heart. I will probably never know the answers to the whys. How can this be? Why?
My heart hurts. Dealing with questioning myself once again, the shame tore at me. Something must be wrong with me for her to basically invalidate me and minimize my feelings and feel the rejection deeply. The one that taught me different and encouraged me all those years and knows better. I feel totally confused. 
My whole being shut down holding my breath in the emotional turmoil, as I do and have done in life. Experiencing this once again, is almost debilitating. I’ve done so well. Today, not so much. Perhaps this is a lesson that I need to remember where I have come from and how I have grown through the years. I do remember it well, and I don’t like it.
Changing my mindset will come, maybe not today though and tomorrow is questionable. The rewiring of my brain, also taught by her, by reversing the thought pattern of knowing there is nothing wrong with me. I am pushing through. I have come a long way. I am blessed. I am lovable. I am worthy. A whole lot of ‘I Am’ statements will be said and will be in front of me to read. Most importantly, the Lord knows my heart, He knows my name and He knows exactly where I am. My focus is and has to be on Him.
It will all come together and the positive side will surface once again within me, but as I feel the pain and acknowledge the hurt, I have to hope that healing will come.
What’s wrong with me? I just have a big heart and I care. There is nothing wrong with that.
So if you have ever been in this place of hurt, let down, disappointed, even angered of a situation or relationship, you understand me. It’s all normal. Most importantly is that the Lord loves me, sees me and I have to trust Him. Same goes for you. Trust Him.
Shame informs you of an internal state of inadequacy, dishonor, or regret. As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted.
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying 
desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
I have a sweet friend that I met in Sunday school, sitting next to me, many years ago and we have been friends since that morning. While we lived miles apart, we managed to meet several times a year to shop and soon developed our routine of favorite stores, etc. On my birthday about a year or two ago, we met and she had a gift for me, a beautiful bracelet of friendship. Soon, she and husband moved further away, in another state. In that last shopping trip together, I gave her a friendship bracelet. This move was good for them but we both missed our girl-time together so we decided to meet half way for a few days to shop back in the spring. What fun it was to get away and enjoy hours talking, laughing, sharing and at times crying. True, best friends. In that time together going from shop to shop, we found bracelets and sure enough we bought the same.
from her husband. I was lost in the emotional turmoil and nobody to turn to due to shock and shame, thinking maybe it was all my fault. I felt hopeless, ugly, unworthy and whatever negative word you want to throw in this mess I was in and dealing with.
It was a stretchy soft-color bracelet and I thought how pretty it was and happy I bought it. It was when I put it on to go to church one day, I guess I felt good that day. I put it on, then I realized I felt different. I felt pretty. In shock with that feeling, I took it off, as I noticed a difference in me. I put the bracelet back on and wore it all the time, thereafter. It helped me to feel pretty when I did not feel pretty at all. It gave me a sense of hope in myself when I had rather disappeared in life.
It was just a month or so ago, I bought myself a new watch, I slipped on a bracelet with it and again the feeling came, I felt pretty but also knowing I am worthy to wear this bracelet. Isn’t it interesting that just a cheap or any other bracelet can change the thoughts and feelings by wearing it?
Life issues, marriage, relationships, etc., can take all hope from us at times but knowing the One who gives hope is what matters. I gave up on everyone and even God through those years although knowing deep down, he was there for me. He was all I had but I even doubted Him..
that I did. He knew that I would question Him. He knew I was and felt hopeless and that I was angry. He knew where I was and what I was going through.
Just Pondering... 