My mind is overwhelmed somewhat in moments, as I toss a matter around in my head. So many thoughts but the ‘why’ questions remain slapping me with no understanding. Boggled with disappointment and uncertainties, trying to make sense of it all. Have you ever had that happen?
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
I am finding, too, it is not always about me. So many times before, I would have taken it all upon myself, feeling all the negative, believing the thoughts and trying to figure it out with the finger only pointing back at myself, as if it was my issue. Self-invalidation. I will not do that this time.
In this, I have nothing but yet I have so much to express but unsure how to do so. Time takes care of a lot of things that we may not understand. It is trusting the Lord through those moments of uncertainties and believing all things work to the good. Trust Him!