The memories and thoughts that surfaced in a conversation between my counselor and I were some I would have rather forgotten. Still, they are part of my journey and knowing they always will be. As I squinched my eyes, shaking my head somewhat of trying to remember but not wanting to remember also, all the while. Regrets of those days being young and stupid. Odds are, we all have those remembrances and regrets. Please tell me I am not alone.
Some of these thoughts and memories spoken in our conversation were like thirty-five years ago or more. Of course, some were not even touched upon thankfully but my mind did and a dread was felt within at the time in session, afterward on my drive home and as I write.
In those thoughts and the heaped-up guilt and shame made their appearances to me. Guilt and shame love me and would love to swallow me up whole, spit me out and do it again. Satan has a way of making one feel so unworthy and so underserving of God’s Love. The lies thrown at me were like darts to a dartboard for a bit of being a no-good-for nothing person on the face of this earth and I should be ashamed of what I did back then, I am not a Christian as I profess, no wonder my family disliked me and well, you get the picture.
Thankfully, I knew enough of his tactics and how the game goes of making me want to crawl back into the hole of despair and depression. I do have a few years under my belt of this mental torment plus years of counseling in how to counteract the negative, which I did.
I am stronger today in all areas, as I chose to be in order to move forward. I was stuck way too long dealing with the belief of the unworthiness. Exactly, where the enemy wants me, and even you.
Yes, I did some things I regret and am sorry I did and hate that I did, but I did. Life! Forgiveness of others involved is important but also forgiving ourselves is a must. We learn from such incidents and situations hopefully and in my case, I did. Not a life I 
wanted to live but in those years I learned that it was not really living, it was running. Running from God. I knew better and I knew He had His Hand upon me from childhood. Even though I was not taught of God’s Love at home, apparently the Vacation Bible School teaching each summer stuck with me plus the many Christians in my path to lead and direct me. So thankful and blessed.
We are all non-deserving of God’s Love but He gives it freely. He gave His all, His life for us to live. So in that, I know that I am worthy and I am worthy of His Love, you also. It took me a very long time to accept that deep within.
Yes, the past memories and thoughts that were mentioned caused some turmoil within but it also brought me to a place of praise. I am not there anymore and I have been forgiven. Trust Him.
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19.
As I sat and talked with my counselor the other night, we covered a lot of ground, as I try to understand myself and as she is trying to understand me. Counseling has been good for me the past five years. I am not the same person that I was when I first walked into my former counselor’s office. It has been a safe place to share anything and everything, not be judged, ridiculed or made to feel less than, adding to shame.
talking, laughing and drinking beer. I had this one Barbie doll that I probably picked out to buy that reminded me of her, with short dark hair. We all know, Barbie dolls are perfect.
before you go over a hill. I was always alert of my surroundings when going down this main highway because of that, as I would see a light in her kitchen window. To me, that light brought a calmness because I knew she was there. Was she? I do not know for sure but the light helped me to cope in my life at that time. Silly but I did that.
somewhat. While having her as a teacher one year, she was out several times for medical reasons. I missed her, I was concerned about her and could not wait for her to return. The class sang this goofy song a boy wrote when she returned, I remember still to this day, as if it was just last week. Sigh of relief, she was back.
of driving and stopping at traffic lights as I made my way toward the office.
It was in the winter that year especially, that his distance from home I found more depressing for me. Those Christmas songs that start way too early did not help matters. The song, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” was the worst, or perhaps it was and is the best. I could not get through it without crying and even remembering that still while sitting at a stop light, I felt those tears well up ready to flow down my face.
did express to his father that I was not happy of his decision and they all heard me. How could they not know that? I think they heard my heart drop. I was just done. In my mind screaming, just everybody go home, as I want to fall apart and now anger was becoming a part of my emotional turmoil.
neither of my sons at home, there was a void on Christmas.
a slap of shame was hitting me on one cheek and then the other and back again to make me crawl back into my hole of despair, feeling like a loser. NO, I WILL NOT!!!
It felt great to know that I could acknowledge the shame and how I felt slapped from one traffic light to another. Once I grasped what was happening, turning these negative thoughts around. I was told and taught in counseling many times as we discussed such scenarios, the rewiring our brain, etc. All of which sounded far-fetched, honestly for a long time, but I got it and I did it.
Just Pondering... 