Healing – Page 13 – Just Pondering…

Are You a Lifeline?

February 19, 2019February 20, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

If you are reading this and in a position of helping others, THANK YOU.

I cannot imagine the whole education timetable and training involved that goes behind your degrees but what I have researched, out of curiosity, I am totally amazed.

Knowing from my own personal experience with my counselor the past four years, I am and have been so thankful with what light she has shed upon my life and to help me understand the confusion, pain and chaos within that I did not understand. Adult problems are childhood issues, a quote I have heard many times. True.

I cannot imagine where I would be if it had not been for her. I will never be able to thank her enough, or God for leading me to her at a time when I had no hope.

Being under her care, I have been taught, I have learned, I have done my own research and healing has taken place in my life. I am not the same person as I was when I walked through her door the very first time, thankfully. While I still have much to learn, grow and heal, I know it is a process. I give myself grace.

So, perhaps you feel overwhelmed and exhausted at times from listening to your clients, session after session of their visible and hidden pain, calming their fears, giving them ways to work through areas at hand and the list can go on and on and understandably so, but your own self-care is warranted and not to be overlooked. Through each session with each client, know that you just might be their only lifeline.

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Am I Right to Write?

February 18, 2019February 18, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence. After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted. Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion. I miss talking to her.

While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that. The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to. The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant. I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time. Today included.

There is a risk of being hurt. Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her. Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read. I never want to bother anybody. Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him. I won’t.

It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing. If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good. Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth. Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right? It comes down to fear, yet again in me.

Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt. I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie. She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself. Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing. Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this. Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning. Still, tears will fall. A part of my life is gone. Will it return and will it ever be the same? Probably not.

Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome? Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.

Etched In My Brain

February 13, 2019February 13, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

So many instances in my life and I am sure of yours, there are moments that are like they happened yesterday. You can feel what you felt at the moment, see the place you were at the atmosphere around you and remember the words said, as if was all frozen in time.

I was thinking of this comment made to me months ago, while driving to work this morning, I did just that. The words said meant the world to me and re-living that moment, hearing them, knowing where I was, seeing the surroundings and feeling the gasp within as I heard the words on the other end of the telephone. I did the same this morning, I gasped as in being frozen because I remembered everything exactly as it was said, my posture, etc., because I did not want to forget and I haven’t.

While pondering this moment in time, I thought of other verbal comments made to me throughout my lifetime and, of course, some of those words were not as kind and forgiving, but I do freeze as if the words are being etched in my brain forever.

The words, “I care for you and I love you” were said on that day and I believe in all sincerity. I have had to repeat them over and over to myself since because of the sadness and grief feeling I have experienced since that day. Just dwelling on them this morning and recalling the memory, I am thankful I can remember the details. It has helped me cope with the separation in our relationship.

What we say to others just might be the spark of hope they need to hold on to, as these words are for me. Without saying, and as I previously mentioned, this can also include negative but let’s focus on the positive and lift up others. Let others know you care. We never know what the next person whether friend, family or a complete stranger is going through. Sadly, it just might be the last time you see them or associate with them and this lasting memory will be etched in their brain, as these words in mine and bring hope.