Fear – Page 18 – Just Pondering…

Winds Are Blowing

March 12, 2019March 10, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625 As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives. With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all. So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are. Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me. I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him. I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do. As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour.

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Walls Up, Walls Down

March 2, 2019March 2, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Which is it?

There were many discussions through the past four years of discussing my life with my recent counselor of having my walls up. For what I dealt with in life, rightfully so. Was it right for each person in my life? No. Why take a chance until trust is built and still no guarantee hurt won’t come again.

9C514E57-818D-418E-80A8-7C1F2F882E9F As we discussed the walls, I recognized I did just that. Odds are, if everyone was honest, walls are present in many if not all lives. How could there not be? Life dishes out crap at times in situations and words said to us. It hurts.

35EB0068-1190-434F-AAFE-6FC114CD6268 Then, there are others that will talk about having your walls up as a good thing. Talk about confusion. Between my real-life conversation (walls down) and then hearing this (walls up), I could understand them both. With that, I felt I had dyslexia, unsure which is right.

Depending upon the situation, they both are.

In my years as a client, we discussed a lot and this counselor knows some deep, soul wrenching parts of me that only God knows. My walls were down. I needed and also wanted help to understand me and she had the knowledge and expertise to do so. I trusted her, I had to. Would I do it again? Yes. Probably now, moreso; wish I had more time with her. Now that our time is over, I did feel anger for doing so but if it had not been, I would not be where I am today. Today, I am grateful. Walls down. God is doing a work within me.

Walking with a new friend recently, she probed into my life a little more than I liked of my marriage and depression from it. Pretty bold of her, I thought. Using my words carefully, I gave her enough to calm the curiousity within her. I was not comfortable in that situation and there will be a wall and general conversation from this point forward. Walls up.

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Even last night with several of the church ladies for a small group, I knew of them only in passing. This class is for healing of hurts and abuses. While I know what is said there, stays there, I could not be transparent. My walls were up and I knew it, although I could encourage them and recognize their pain.

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me, and I had to question my walls. I recognized and felt when they were up. Right or wrong, they were there. While they can protect, they can hinder. Just knowing the difference.

No matter if my walls are up, down. half way or sometimes made of steel, the Lord knows my heart. He knows my every emotion and fear that entangles my life of being hurt yet once again.

I owe no one fullness of me, unless I choose. We have that choice. Like me or not, I may not you or trust. God has given us discernment and we have a right to use it.

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Am I Right to Write?

February 18, 2019February 18, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence. After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted. Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion. I miss talking to her.

While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that. The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to. The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant. I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time. Today included.

There is a risk of being hurt. Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her. Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read. I never want to bother anybody. Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him. I won’t.

It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing. If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good. Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth. Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right? It comes down to fear, yet again in me.

Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt. I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie. She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself. Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing. Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this. Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning. Still, tears will fall. A part of my life is gone. Will it return and will it ever be the same? Probably not.

Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome? Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.