In all my years, I have felt and have had to be like a Wonder Woman. With that, a take-charge person, to make sure things get started, get done, figure out and manage or complete whatever it might be. For the most part, I’m glad for all that, I’m a better person and employee.
Being the youngest in my family though, I also had the responsibility to make some medical decisions with my parents and my brother. The pressure, doubting myself and my decisions plus the guilt that attacked my mind could knock one down and it did. Did I make the right decision of not having a procedure done, knowing my Mom was dying? Did I not act soon enough to get my Dad medical attention, which ended in a feeding tube because of a stroke? As to my brother, I was able to get his doctor to sign off on his death certificate causing no autopsy, due to his many medical conditions, surmising a heart attack. Major stuff. Not to forget the financial decisions with estates, putting up with family members not happy with their inheritance. Apparently, the Lord thought I could handle it all and I did.
Then in my own home, I tend to all the financial decisions and upkeep because my husband does not want to, has no interest and it falls on me. Pressure has been pushed on all sides, at times. Thankfully, I am and was able to handle it, and still can hold my own because I am supposed to be Wonder Woman.
Sadly, you can only do that so much for so long until your body, mind and spirit is exhausted and depleted.
Through it all, I am still here and in the last five years taking better care of me. Moving forward. Just sharing part of my life and I am sure many reading this can identify with it. Somebody has to do it.
Still, I deal with an area that zaps me. Drained immediately.
We all pretty much have heard of Superman and how Kryptonite takes his energy. I feel that is exactly what happens.
While my marriage is not the best, it is not the worst, but existence, and right now it works. Perhaps it is the Aspergers part in him or is it me or both? I have to retreat to gain energy to be involved in social settings with him and that is just not normal for a marriage. Being reminded yet again recently, I can be home alone all day enjoying my time, while cleaning, singing, dancing, just feeling a freedom but the moment he enters the door, I fall into a tired state and any motivation to continue is gone. This is not normal and it throws me for a loop each time. Zapped of energy.
I swear the man carries Kryptonite in his pockets and I must be like Superman because all power and energy drains from me. Why is that?
I do know and I made a choice, especially in the last five years, with the help of a counselor, that I am caring for me nowadays and getting stronger with counseling, taking care of medical issues, exercising, massages, manicures, traveling, being with friends and active in church services and activities.
I have to or he controls my power.
One day, I will leap tall buildings.
The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind. It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her. I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.
wiping the tears as they flow. That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat. Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.
Give yourself grace through these times, if you experience. We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives. It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing. Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain. Preaching to myself, right here. Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward. The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it. With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long. My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right. It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it. We’ve got this! One day at a time.
So much to say and to interject but I keep getting interrupted. Seriously! What gives? Am I not important? Are my comments not of importance? Sometimes I feel invisible and not seen or heard.
listen to me as I am not finished talking. I just move on and forget my information or story, who cares, is my attitude. Maybe I am boring but still she doesn’t know me truly but this has been my life. Nobody really knows me. Perhaps this is why I like to write.
Most importantly… He knows my voice and He knows your voice.
Just Pondering... 