Childhood issues – Page 5 – Just Pondering…

Change on a Dime

February 22, 2019February 22, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say. This day was going so well. The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork. I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded. Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave. Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would. I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life. Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks. No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…

Am I Right to Write?

February 18, 2019February 18, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence. After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted. Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion. I miss talking to her.

While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that. The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to. The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant. I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time. Today included.

There is a risk of being hurt. Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her. Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read. I never want to bother anybody. Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him. I won’t.

It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing. If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good. Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth. Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right? It comes down to fear, yet again in me.

Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt. I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie. She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself. Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing. Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this. Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning. Still, tears will fall. A part of my life is gone. Will it return and will it ever be the same? Probably not.

Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome? Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.

But I Need You!

January 14, 2019January 15, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Today. I need you! Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart. You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over. I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand. Anger at her and anger at God. Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience. Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the sadness over it all and memories. Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor. Seriously? That’s the reason I feel it. So now what? I wanted to laugh and to cry. Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice. My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed. Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person. Help me. I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same. Whether it be me, you or others. His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me. I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc. I need you to trust Me. I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it! I need You, Lord Jesus.

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