Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.
Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.
Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 
immediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging. I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use. Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.
While her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw. I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.
Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.
While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.
Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good. If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why. I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 
away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.
many years ago, I can still see her and hear her talk and help me understand what shame was and the unworthiness I had felt throughout my life that I had expressed to her. Simple words, yet I never connected them to make sense and tie it all together of how they affected me. Shame carries a boatload of issues.
With me not understanding at first and for a bit honestly, I probably was looking at her as a deer in the headlights. Then to say and ask me if I felt I was unlovable. Again, I never put a word (or words) to my feelings. These are just a few examples. Everything was starting to click. It was not her putting thoughts and words into my head of such but unraveling the chaos within and turning on a light for me to see and understand why my childhood and adult years that I have always questioned. Am I loved? Am I special to anyone? Does anyone really 
love me? The BIG one was crying and screaming within, Please Hug Me! Even with that, I could not understand why.
Life goes on and still in the back of my mind, I often wondered what is wrong with me. It’s me, all me and I am a nobody basically. Oftentimes questioning why was I even born and in that I felt like an oops baby and no doubt I was, coming seven years after my sister. Existence in a chaotic world in my chaotic mind. My mind screaming, please hug me over and over again yearning for love, a mother’s love.
marriage and that shame latched onto me like a bloodsucking insect, they both have said and found it interesting that as a child and even in this marriage, the same, I just existed with no love. Yes. I just exist, again wondering if anyone really loved me. To second guess love is never good; as you doubt them, you doubt yourself and you doubt anyone expressing love, afraid also that it is not real. A wall of protection is built to keep me safe from the hurt although it hurts me more because of the isolation I placed myself in. Abandonment is all around.
understood, too, caused me to doubt her words and she knew that, but I could be open with her and ask. My mind screaming, PLEASE HUG ME, became evident to her as my eyes was a telltale sign and of my shallow breathing in panic felt. We were able to walk through those moments in session together. Priceless! Somebody understood me, finally. Someone cared enough for me to make sense and unravel years of chaos I felt. Many times before leaving, receiving a hug from her. Some question whether a counselor should hug a client. In my case, YES, as she was wise enough to know, feel my hurt and lack of love within me. Thank God she took the time to help me understand myself and why I struggled. Today, I do not yearn for those motherly hugs I so missed and craved all of my life. Understanding, brings healing.
Knowing that God loved me throughout life, I even doubted Him, which is a normal response of such neglect. My relationship with Him has deepened through all of this, knowing He does in fact love me. He is my Father. He is my Husband. He is my ALL and I know without a doubt that I can trust Him to fill the void of love and move through daily life not searching or yearning for love. 
LIFE! JOY! PEACE! He handpicked that counselor just for me, I have no doubt, because even in my older years, He still has a plan and a purpose for me.
He knew me in my childhood, in my adult years and now, today. He wants more for me than to yearn for love and to just exist, but to know deep down that I am loved by Him, if nobody else.
This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.
How can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.
sadness all over me. I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again. He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.
Just Pondering... 