A Mother’s Guilt

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Does it ever end? I really was a good mother, the best I knew to be but I feel I failed in so many areas, too. Don’t we all though? The ‘if only’ I had known or could do over sometimes rolls over in my mind, even though they are grown adults. I needed more time with them to do this or that, teach them things that I overlooked and so much more. Time runs out.

A mother of toddlers and as they grow, it is exhausting but the best reward in life ever. It is not an easy job being a parent. Today, I wonder how the parents are relating and dealing with what is before their own children and family, as the world seems to be spiraling down to a deep despair of ungodliness.

I remember the time when my boys were old enough and to the age of puberty and here comes Clinton having office sex with his staff attorney, being discussed on tv. I felt I was at a loss. Now all the drag and pronouns and senseless behavior. It boggles my mind.

All I know to do is realize deep down and STOP the mental fight that I was a bad mom and did not do enough. My sons are doing quite well, but I know also I failed them in many ways. We learn. They learn. We all learned. Our parents did not do everything right either, I know mine did not. They did the best they could at the time. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself. To dwell in the depths of despair is useless and causes the rabbit hole of mental anguish to deepen.

What I can do today, from this point forward and each day is to be a better mom. To be me and know that they have a path to walk and to keep my eyes on the Lord, knowing and truly believing that He has prepared a path for them. They get to choose and make decisions. I have been out of the picture for a long while now, but I will always be a landing pad for them, if needed. They know that and they know, too, that I love them.

The guilt comes to all of us parents. It is the point of stopping the guilt and acknowledging that our prayers have been heard and that the Lord knows their name and He knows exactly where they are in life. Sometimes, we want to help the Lord. Just stop and let Him show them the way and that they be open enough to recognize the way. I did my job and probably you have, too, or are in the midst. Just because they are adults, they are still our children. Our way is not their way. We let go again and again. Let God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/verses-to-pray-over-your-children.html

A Loss Within

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Our family is once again hit with dementia lurking, as my mother-in-law is exhibiting signs more and more.

In her though, I have to hope it was an onset with her welcoming and God allowing it to come, as she dealt with a man full of control and emotional along with verbal abuse, for years. This protected her.

This sweet lady endured so much while we had to keep our distance from the same man. While he exhibited issues, something clicked in 2018 and made it worse. They both aged twenty years, as I compared photos within a fourteen-month span. Still, we had to hold our distance, making minimal visits to observe, with excuses to get in the door.

Now, speed forward, he passed away this year and that in itself was a horrid situation. How terrible to say, but a relief although so sad.

While she is in our care now, she has improved so much, those twenty years after helping her in hygienic ways, she looks younger and happier. Memory of him is long gone, for the better.

How long we get to enjoy this sweet lady is unknown but she will never be abused. Hopefully, her dementia will not worsen but usually it does. We will cross that bridge as it comes.

I ordered a book called, A 36-Hour Day. The reviews have been great from others in this role. Some advice we are already doing, not knowing, which gives me hope that we have been doing the right things to help her.

We are learning as we go. Slow but steady steps. We have crossed big hurdles until the next one to get here where we are today. Now we are smooth sailing and making great strides.

Thankful that we have the means of doing what we are accomplishing and hope and pray to continue.

Everything that happened during the COVID19, was not all bad. It allows her son to work from home still, caring for her in her own home and surroundings.

I have the best mother-in-law. She has the best daughter-in-law. That’s what I tell her and we both laugh. I’m the only daughter-in-law. Truth!

Blessed.

Exodus 20:12
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

The Clouds

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

As a child, my best friend and I would take a break from playing and lay in the grass, looking at the clouds. Laughing and pointing to shapes we saw, trying to convince the other of what and where. See? I still remember this so clearly, fifty plus years later. Clouds are majestic in their own way. I still do this, seeing shapes and smiling.

Today, as I sat on my exit ramp going home, I look up at the clouds. This is a daily thing with me. They look so soft, knowing they are not soft at all. The shapes and uniqueness is mesmerizing.

Oftentimes though, I have sat in the car, on the same exit ramp, as life stops for a moment to reflect. Tears form of memories of grief flood my heart.

It was after my mom died in 1996, I would be in the same place thinking how beautiful the sky and clouds were from my standpoint but realizing the beauty my mom saw from her now heavenly standpoint.

The exit ramp was my quiet moment, waiting for the traffic light to turn, between work and home cooking supper for a hungry family back then. It was my period of grieving. Those moments still come and go, as today, I see the clouds and remember my mom.

Life. It’s how we see and deal with what is around us and the remarkable way we cope with loss. It’s okay to grieve, you must.

May the clouds you see in life be beautiful. The dark clouds come but don’t last. Look at the clouds and let your mind get lost and relax feeling peace within.

Psalm 147:8 He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills

Job 35:5 Look at the heavens, and see; and behold the clouds, which are higher than you.