I am at a point in my life where I am being pushed forward into the unknown somewhat, wondering if can I do it. Questioning myself and God of how this situation 
had all come about so perfectly but the doubt hovering over me with what if I fail? The balancing act with many encouraging me and those that I have shared my hesitation with, their encouragement that will support me either way. At times, that did not help, still feeling at a loss as to what to do. In the past few weeks, a part of me desiring that somebody would say, just do it, taking my hand and leading me, helping me and conquer this fear. I’m scared, okay terrified.
I am sure I am not alone when trying to make a big decision, allowing faith to manifest but fear lurking around every corner. We all have to make decisions in life with jobs, marriage, education, purchases, etc. Adulting is hard, even at my age.
As I was being encouraged by a lawyer friend yesterday to go forward and expressing my fear and hesitation, I asked him if he experienced this when going to law school. Without hesitation, he said he was terrified. Today, he is one of the finest lawyers I know. His position just did not happen overnight, as he had to face fear head on. Just his words of, ‘I was terrified’ brought comfort, knowing what I am feeling is normal. Sometimes knowing normal is not just a dryer setting, can take pressure off of an anxious mind. I realized that when with my former counselor, a lot of what I thought and felt was quite normal. It is the shame-based thoughts that keep us bound by thinking we are not normal, something is wrong with us.
Dealing with the weight of this matter on my mind and 
making a final decision this week, I felt encouraged upon waking. I have dreams and sometimes they are so real, just like this morning. Sitting quietly in a church service but next to a side wall not in a pew, my pastor came over to me. He took my hands and held them, looking at me and just said, ‘You know He is with you.’ How encouraging! Yes, it was a dream a spiritual dream, but I do believe and know that God can speak to us in them. Perhaps because our mind is quiet and He can get our (my) attention.
I
n my quiet time this morning, of course, with coffee nearby and before I start my day cleaning and enjoying my home, I was reading scripture. Just so happened, guess what I turned to and read first? Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” How awesome it is to know that God’s Words are LIFE words soothing our soul, that brings calmness to our spirit and giving power and joy to our day. He is with me. He is with you. We just have to quiet our minds, whether sleeping and in a dream to be reminded or in the moment acknowledging Him as we go about our busy, chaotic lives. That’s God. Trust Him.
I admit, I am angry over an situation but more confused, but I know anger is there. What I do know, is that it is not worth me blasting forth with words that will cause damage. I do have a heart and I do care. Once words are released, they cannot be taken back.
As I even write, I could put words of anger that could hurt another but I do not want to do that. Where will that get me? Nowhere but regret doing so. My heart hurts but I know One that knows me better than anybody. I feel the emotions, acknowledge and pray that the Lord will help me through it all. He will.
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying 
desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
Just Pondering... 