I Am Worthy!
You Are Worthy!
It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.
At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.
So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.
I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.
Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.
The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord. Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.
I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.
When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.
His Love is forever and ever. It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.
Once upon a time…
Just today, I was reminded by the dumbfounded look I received when trying to mention a simple suggestion, not nagging, but found myself wanting to throw up my hands. I have had this look too many times through the years that makes me feel stupid. Either I am not verbalizing correctly or he is not understanding me. I give up, usually walking away with frustration and complaining under my breath. My voice remains quiet as we exist under one roof, yet again. Not 
worth losing my energy for such a draining moment that repeats each time. All I can guess is that this is just his Aspergers way of comprehending. Lord, give me strength.
Taking care of you also is very important. You matter!
Due to many weeks of building construction and using a side door to get to my counseling session, now many months ago, it was exciting to watch the progress and new facelift of the building be revealed. I enjoy renovations.
me at our last session. As we were ending our session, at the door to once again do the walk, I stopped and asked her to not walk me out. Give me a couple of minutes and then lock the door. My explanation to her was that I felt like she was throwing me out to the wolves. That is how I felt and I could not take that again. Her reply was, hesitating but then with a smile and feeling pleased I feel was, ‘you are taking care of you.’ We parted ways never to see each other again.
Just Pondering... 