Due to many weeks of building construction and using a side door to get to my counseling session, now many months ago, it was exciting to watch the progress and new facelift of the building be revealed. I enjoy renovations.
It was during this construction and after my counseling sessions, my counselor would walk me to the side door, which was nice of her to do although uncomfortable. Knowing that she had to unlock the door to let me out and re-lock once out, I got that. Plus, I liked that she was secure in a now empty building.
For whatever reason though, each time we walked through the hallway to the exit and usually I am tagging behind her a couple of steps, I felt a sense of dread.
Our session was over, so just random everyday talk while walking was awkward. I could talk to her about my life, what my weekend plans were, etc., but hers could muddy the water as her personal life is off limits unless she opened up, which was rare and I understand that, too. Once when on the walk to the door, passing the main office, she said the office secretary was a friend. I get that, I do, but just another part of me not accepted to be in her life as a friend, because I am a client, rejection hit my heart.
I would love to be friends with her but I need her expertise in counseling. Still the walk to the exit of dread, knowing she is her friend, I am not, my emotions of sadness and even jealousy smacked me around for a bit.
Oh the dreaded walk. After the second time, I knew I could not do that again. To have a few extra minutes with her was nice but not either. It is like a kick of her foot on my backside of saying get out when at the door. Odds are a childhood feeling and my adult life of not being wanted and triggered. Imagine that!
The one good thing was the last words I heard her say to me at our last session. As we were ending our session, at the door to once again do the walk, I stopped and asked her to not walk me out. Give me a couple of minutes and then lock the door. My explanation to her was that I felt like she was throwing me out to the wolves. That is how I felt and I could not take that again. Her reply was, hesitating but then with a smile and feeling pleased I feel was, ‘you are taking care of you.’ We parted ways never to see each other again.
As much as I miss her and our sessions, that was a good parting of ways. I am glad that the moment was etched in my brain of this ending. I am taking care of me and will continue. I feel the Lord is healing broken places within me, and I want.
Even though situations in life can throw us through some memories to trigger the feelings within us and make us feel unwanted, rejected, bring sadness, and whatever else, it is then that we must know that the Lord will never throw us out to the wolves. He loves us.