I cannot make that word large or ugly enough to express of how much it has affected my life.
To keep shame hidden and unaware, is a weight I have carried and many carry daily and throughout their lifetime. The thoughts that come that we are not good enough for this or that, the negative that has infiltrated our minds from childhood and through life is somewhat disabling.
It was not until a few years ago that I understood shame and it’s effects upon my life. Still, this morning as I am looking and researching many websites about shame did I realize that I was triggered just a few weeks ago of something that put me in a downward spiral of anger, unworthiness and sadness. While I managed and coped, I realized today that was shame again heaped upon me. Not understanding the situation and why somebody that was dear to me would ignore me basically. I took that as I am unworthy, they have lied to me all this time and I am a nobody. While I identified I was angry, it was not until writing this blog did I recognize shame. Disappointment and all the emotions became alive with this situation, I became stuck. It’s shame, yet again. Shame, it’s time to go! Thankfully, through this period, I had my counselors to allow me to talk and work through it all. Just to recognize shame, it cannot stay.
Shame wants us to hide and be all negative about ourselves that we will not fully succeed in life. It’s a great ploy of the enemy because he knows that if we had the confidence and compassion toward ourselves, as we do others, we can make an impact. As a Christian, the enemy does not want that at all. Keep him or her quiet and all is well. Becoming aware of shame and how it has tormented me, I will speak out and go forward. It may knock me for a loop, as it did recently, but I will bounce back.
To understand and to put a word with the feelings is enlightening. Why I never knew of shame really before in life is unbeknownst to me. Perhaps it wasn’t the time.
Shame is feeling sorry about who you are as a person. And toxic shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person all the time – it is pervasive. What is Toxic Shame? (The Little-Known Mental Illness) LonerWolf by https://lonerwolf.com/toxic-shame/
First, identify what shame feels like in your body. How do you embody shame? For many people, shame feels and looks closed down. We tend to embody “closed down” by hunching our shoulders or looking down, anything we can do to hide. We might clench our jaw, hold our hands as fists, or harden our gaze. The longer we hold these closed down expressions or “poses,” the longer we embody, feel, and think shame. How to Overcome the Weight of Shame by https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-weight-of-shame/
👉🏻 Be aware!
For more information about shame, Brene Brown is awesome! https://brenebrown.com/
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying 
desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and 
lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
Just Pondering... 