Life – Page 9 – Just Pondering…

Sanded Away

May 9, 2020May 9, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

CC3C711B-941B-4991-A1F2-D2D29F0438F8

A task I have been wanting to do for years but never enough time or desire to really attempt, I did. With this quarantine, I have had my ups and downs, but I am starting to enjoy being home. Working one day a week is not that bad, but I know once we are back in full swing, I will most likely be working overtime, so for now, I am enjoying my time, completing jobs on my to-do list and let’s not forget about those naps.

So the past two weeks or so, I have taken my solid oak kitchen table top and two oak end tables out to the driveway and garage to sand, in between other projects. I tend to start many projects at a time, so I have a mess in many rooms. I get bored with one, work on another or allow time for paint to dry, etc. Oftentimes wondering if I will get it all back together, but I do. I actually enjoy working with wood, remodeling, decorating, recovering chair cushions and all that HGTV has to offer. Just give me a sledgehammer or a tool, they do not intimidate me.

As I am sanding this much used and abused table, enjoying the breeze as it scoots the dust out away from me, I think of all the memories this old table has held. Thinking back of when we got it and the hutch to match, back in 1991. Where did the time go? My parents bought this for us, as a gift in our first home.

I remember going to the furniture store to pick it out, knowing it would last for a lifetime; and thirty-one years later, it has many more years to go and will after I am dead and gone. I love oak or any solid wood furniture. I know if my son and daughter-in-law get this later on, she will paint it, all of my work covered in a color. The girl loves to paint wood furniture but I guess it won’t matter to me, so paint on!

The dinners, holidays, the birthday parties, games, puzzles, crafts, and if my husband wasn’t caught, he used it as a work bench, which I frowned upon. Seriously? No! I think he is scared of me and if so, my job is complete.

Memories of the past brings a smile, as memories are priceless as I enjoyed the time sanding. One table down and two end tables to go. The end tables were my parent’s tables, which I inherited. I picked them out when we went shopping for furniture many, many years ago so I did good and they have been great tables.

As I sand, take a step back to see if I need to sand more, I think, we all have areas in our lives that need to be sanded to make the rough edges smooth or buff the dull, lifelessness away for something new. Sometimes not a pleasant experience. Or perhaps we know ourselves well enough that we are aware of areas that need attention and to prepare in order to meet goals in life. It’s the end result that matters, of what we make of the rough edges and areas that need attention.

In those times of sanding and buffing, hopefully we learn a lesson of what not to do, usually, or how to make better. If I could redo my life, of course, with what I know now, I definitely would change some things, a lot of things. What I have is today, to make my tomorrows better.

In myself, I started years ago, probably 2008, attempting but knocked down time and time again. In 2010, I made the decision to have weight-loss surgery to help my self-esteem and confidence come alive, which helped but I kept getting snagged in some rough places. Finally, in 2014, enough was enough and the buffing began in my life with counseling. This was not always comfortable but worth the end result of what I can see come about and hope for. I’m getting there!

Why did it take me so long to understand and why I do the things I do, think, feel? Now it is like I don’t have a lot of time left in life to enjoy, as my age increases, but I will to the best of my ability to reach toward the goals and trust the Lord through it all. as I have done. 80F6F564-6467-479B-9638-CDA147FC2414

Had it not been for this period of counseling, I really don’t know where I would be right now, except maybe isolated and severely depressed or perhaps not even here writing this blog. At times I am just in awe of the changes around me and within me and look forward to what is ahead. I have hope where there was none.

Sometimes we have to go through the sanding and the buffing to enjoy the beauty of a finished product. Hopefully saying, it was worth it all.

My finished product:

How Much More?

April 25, 2020April 25, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

FA3EDD37-A828-498D-9050-EBFC2A44D6D8

When it rains, it pours! We have all heard that saying through the years and most likely experienced such by saying reluctantly, and maybe in anger. Just how much more?

We are all experiencing this pandemic worldwide and it has affected each of us in some way or another.

Many students have waited a lifetime to enjoy their senior year and to graduate, walking proudly to receive the diploma as well as the parents reaching this milestone, only to be non-existent. A sense of grief occurs for all, as there will be no prom, no senior skip day, no final anything, everything disappeared. 3F3B820A-958F-4EB7-B1DC-6382BD257460

The fog within the mind remains, questioning the present and future. On top of that, for many work has ceased, now to remain at home so the normalcy of the daily grind comes to a halt. The fog becomes even more dense, grasping just what is happening and trying to make sense of it all. Still, the hope of we will get through this remains and keeps us moving forward, making the best of the situations being dealt.

It is when on top of all of this, how can it get any worse, right? Sadly it can, in many ways and for many people.

The icing on the cake for my sweet friend was when she was diagnosed with breast cancer recently. Now the anger comes, and rightfully so. At times afraid to even think or say, how much more? How can it get any worse? Knowing faith will need to step in and bring peace to carry her through this whole ordeal. No doubt the thoughts linger in wondering what is in store and what the future holds. All the while being supportive with her family during this time, and with her oldest daughter being a senior that will graduate although there will be no ceremony. Basically, here is your diploma and we wish you the best in life.

Lost in the fog and trying to find a way out but the visibility is impossible, while reaching to find clarity and the light of day. Confusion with it all. How much more?

This is indeed what my dear friend, my co-worker is experiencing. My heart aches for her and the family being hit from one side to another. Questioning myself, how much more can this family withstand? I am even angry at times for her, feeling the grief, the confusion, uncertainties and wanting to reach in the fog to drag her out.

While I am dealing with the pandemic and my work situation right now, too, I get frustrated and feel anxiety kick in, which is normal for everyone right now. To have hope, and we all need hope, knowing we will all get through this, and we will.

My anxiousness lessens in this when I place myself in my friend’s shoes, knowing my troubles are nothing compared, and I need to support her through this. In life, there is always somebody, and we have all said or thought, that has it worse off than we do. In that, you keep moving forward, knowing you can get through this. Many others have it worse than my friend, so that keeps her moving forward, knowing she can get through this, too. We need to have and feel the hope in life, in order to push through, as we will all get through this. Hold on to the hope within!

3E995FB0-4EF4-4919-8522-1126D12AC309

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

C-PTSD – 1

April 24, 2020April 25, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

EEBD8895-CD9B-42A5-84C6-A4D5AD5515CF

Chapter One

I have my book in hand, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, as I work through it and share my thoughts and parts of my life. Just maybe it will be helpful to another reading my blog, or just for me.

Since we are all confined due to the quarantine, I decided to not do the Telehealth offered by my one counselor. Perhaps that is part of the anxiety of what I will be reading and understanding of myself in this book. When offered twice for the Telehealth, I froze and tensed up, basically freaking out within. Thanks but no thanks, I will get through this, which probably is another sign.

I tend to open a new book, skip through and find a chapter or information I was searching and become content with and in understanding. I then put it on the shelf, over and over again, majority of my books not read but I got what I needed, at the time. My books are mostly self-help and informative ones, as this book is, in order to understand and to be a better me. I have no time or interest in reading other books, such as romance, fiction, etc., which totally bore me.

This book, came to my attention from a counselor reading and discussing on Facebook. In her quarantine, she decided to read through this book each week online and discuss further. So, this has been like counseling for me as it feels personal. I believe I need this right now.

First page, a person wrote in her comments, which intrigued me to read page by page. The comment by ‘DM’ was “I found myself. I found myself in your words. It’s as if you had unzipped me, stepped inside my traumatized inner self, meandered around a bit, come back outside, and wrote about what you discovered inside of me. For the first time in my life….. and I am in my fifties now….. I don’t feel defective…. or crazy…. or “weird”…. or even unlovable.” Wow!

With that comment and what I have heard from the counselor on the Facebook page, I feel I am going to learn some things about C-PTSD, plus about myself. C0E8C49D-07EA-4C0F-B909-814C438A34B2

I felt somewhat overwhelmed with the Table of Contents, as a lot will be covered within the book. I found it somewhat funny that Mr. Walker even suggests skipping around in the book to where you need to be. He already knows me so well, but I am going to try my best and go chapter by chapter.

The book he writes is to help the reader ‘create a map that you can follow to heal the wounds that come from not enough childhood love.’ Just that, I thought back to when my former counselor had me do a timeline from my childhood to adulthood. A timeline can be done in many ways, I myself used an excel spreadsheet, just find one that you like. Often, I wondered if she read this book. 9E66D2F6-D2DA-41D0-8647-E11405258942 At times, when reading, I wanted to contact her. My goodness, I just got through Chapter One, but to express and say, ‘Look, look at this, this is what we had discussed so many times through the years.’ There is an excitement within me and an anticipation to read more but there is also a fear that I will have to face some issues that have been hidden. As the quote goes, If the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I want more in life, as too many years have been wasted due to circumstances, some in and some out of my control.

I am one that will mark up my books, even my Bible, as I go with underlines, arrows, stars and if a highlighter is near, I will add color to the areas that speak to me. So far, it is marked up quite a bit. Again, Wow!

I am on a journey, and I have been. At times knowing and feeling an anticipation and at other times the negative thoughts will seep in to take any hope away.

C-PTSD is a more severe form of PTSD of five common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety. C-PTSD is a learned, not your DNA, of a failure in developmental tasks. What is learned, can be unlearned. So there is hope!

In your early years of life, it can come from growing up in a severely abusive and/or neglectful family. Traumatizing abuse and abandonment can occur on verbal, emotional, spiritual or physical levels with sexual abuse especially traumatizing.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feelings being an abused/abandoned child (fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression). All triggering the fight/flight instincts. F644D5D8-2771-483F-B9A0-ED96A09B92FD

Toxic shame affects the self-esteem with an overwhelming sense that s/he is loathsome, ugly, stupid or fatally flawed. Toxic shame can also be created by constant parental neglect and rejection. It inhibits us from seeking comfort, often isolating. Being stuck in the negative view of yourself is probably causing emotional flashbacks.

Suicidal ideation is common, a depressed thinking or fantasizing about wanting to die, ranging from active to passive suicidality. Passive is more common with C-PTSD and typically a flashback to our early childhood when abandonment was so profound.

In this book, it was noted that C-PTSD is often misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, many labeled with bipolar, narcissistic, codependent, autistic spectrum and borderline disorders. C-PTSD is not recognized in the DSM manual used by mental health professionals.

The Four F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn, are each mentioned and how they come into play with C-PTSD, in this chapter.

This chapter was jammed pack with information that I could relate to and so many times we discussed within my counseling sessions. While reading, knowing some information already but having it in writing before my eyes, underlining and often writing ‘Me’ was mind-boggling. It took me a few days to get my thoughts in this blog because it was so much to take in and having to re-examine areas I’d rather forget.

As I journal through this book in my blog, if any of it resonates with you or if you know someone that it would, I would recommend the purchase of this book.

I am unsure how I found the counselor reading this book, EB368285-54BD-4F32-9A32-86E0B836EE99 but I don’t think it was by coincidence. Just as I was in counseling years ago and my journey moving forward, there was and is a part of me at times when I wanted to just stop. It was too hard.

The Four F’s mentioned, I always tend to fall in the ‘freeze’ mode, and I have felt this come into play already, which is no surprise to me. So if C-PTSD is learned of what was not provided by my parents, as in my case, I can now unlearn by myself with my willingness to walk through this further, by reading this book, continuing with my counselors once the quarantine is lifted and be thankful I had a major jumpstart with my former counselor.

93501EF2-0AC5-4470-B5BF-E2A0903E05BC