Hope – Page 51 – Just Pondering…

Counselor —— 2 —— Counselor

November 6, 2018January 25, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The title probably looks like one counselor talking to another counselor.

It’s that I am trying to make a decision to move onto another counselor. I do not really want to but feel I need some assistance to get over the last one. How crazy it is that I need one to get over the last one. Will this be a vicious cycle? Lord, I hope not.

Due to a medical leave of absence, my last one left her

practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever. It ended way too quick. Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned. I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong. Perhaps I pushed her over the edge. Yikes! I certainly hope not.

Being in her position, it can take its toll on ones own emotional well being. Knowing that the extensive training required, her own counseling, regulating self-care herself, she is only human. I don’t think I could listen to heartache after heartache and not be affected.

With this change, many emotions are on the table along with the many tears that have fallen. The lost child within me searches and feels so unstable at times. I know it is happening but I freeze in despair. I had a moment yesterday that just about pulled me under.

So many times through the years, we discussed recognizing the symptoms of how my body feels and reacts and that my breathing almost stops. I used to hate when she would ask me questions, of what I was feeling, where I felt it in my body, etc., and at times thank me for breathing. Whew!

No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR. While this is funny, it is not. This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting. I just never realized how much so. It’s been an interesting ride.

I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:

*Notice what I am telling myself (usually negative).

*What emotions am I having (usually fear).

*What are my bodily actions, in breathing and posture (usually slower breathing as I am slumping down, crossing arms as in closing in).

*What are my bodily sensations (usually tightness in my throat, tense shoulders, I freeze in fear).

I do all that. Always did that and still but I recognize it more today, because of her and consistently asking me, of which now I am thankful and miss her aggravating me.

It’s necessary to change the pattern. Sometimes just taking a step in one direction or another will offset the freeze mode. Yesterday, I froze in fear at the office of what am I going to do? I recognized it and proceeded to work, I got through it. Not long after, I realized I got through that panic, fear, freezing craziness. Yay me!

The negative thought pattern, necessary to change it around. Just like the thoughts that I have had that I probably caused her to leave, knowing full well that I don’t have that power and it was not her choice but her own body and wisdom to step aside for self care. That stops the negative thinking in that scenario but I have more that I struggle with. The neurons within our brain are affected as we change the pattern. Trust me, I need new neurons. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

It’s amazing how our body reacts to our emotions and fear will cause havoc.

Never having somebody in my life to fully understand me and explain all this, I missed out. So for me to feel the attachment issue magnified and abandonment at this point, it is normal I believe. She was a lifeline to me.

Day by day I am slowly grasping my wits about this relationship and the loss. I will be forever grateful of her.

Giving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.

I was almost dead in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Life just about destroyed me and I did not care for years until I knew deep down, I needed help or I would die. The search was on with prayer, just as I am now but today better, but continuous help in my healing.

So counselor 2 counselor I will attempt. I just hope that the Lord puts the right one in my pathway as this one. I have to trust Him with that and be patient.

With this new counselor, if he/she starts with the questions of what emotion do you have, where do you feel this in your body and so on, I just might … smile.

I was truly blessed with my counselor.

Walk!

November 5, 2018November 6, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

While taking a break from studying since mid-terms, which I feel I did not do well on, I know myself well enough that my thoughts go downhill. I beat myself up and feel as though everything, everybody and life is against me. Whoa is me! I’m sure I am not the only one that hits this wall. It’s tormenting.

With everything else, the class is just one more heap of coal on my head burying me with defeat.

11E34DD4-73DA-47BD-B0BF-7EF9828BAB9E Today, in between cleaning and laundry, I would check out Pinterest, an enjoyable addiction I have. Different times, this one post would come before me. That is one to walk, if just for ten minutes. Of course, the rebellious, stubborn attitude within me, says NO! I don’t want to walk, I want to stay inside my four walls and avoid life outside. Isolation. Just having an adult hissy fit, for two days, feeling like a child.

Knowing today was a beautiful day, I finally gave in. If just ten minutes. Usually, my friend and I walk together two or more miles a day, weather permitting, but she is out of town. So, who cares if I do or if I don’t?

Off I go with my earbuds and sunglasses, as it was a beautiful day indeed. I try to listen to Christian messages or music when alone and I chose Joyce Meyer today. The first message was good but the second was for me.

I love when this happens. The message is, ‘Overcoming Worry and Anxiety.’ He is with me. Say that! Say that, or think that when all hell is breaking apart inside. He does knows where we are and most importantly, He knows where we are going. We can rest In Him. I Am because I Am and we can trust Him. Believing this, lessens the load on our mind with anxiety and worry. I know it’s true! Even when I don’t want to.

Will I fail and mess up again? Probably so but that’s what is good about God, He has enough mercy and grace to see me through again. The walk did help my outlook so I am glad I pushed myself while moaning and groaning within, throwing my hissy fit.

You know what? He knows me and He knows my hissy fits. He knows why I am experiencing what I am and He sees the tears that fall. He is with me!

Where Am I Going?

November 2, 2018November 2, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEF I’m unsure what lies ahead. Truly, do any of us know? Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists. I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days. Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away. How mean that it is of Him to do! While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times. He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2C With that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is. Isn’t that contradiction? Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care. A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for. Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on. Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

As I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take. What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way. This time in waiting is painful and lonely. At times, I feel anger rise up. All of these emotions are normal. With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’