Today as I go about life on my day off cleaning and doing the mundane things keeping a house, my many breaks tend to leave me researching for whatever is before me. It’s finding out information and learning. Google has become my best friend at times, always there, 24/7.
Even today, my mind is bogged down with questions. I need advice and direction. What would be nice is to talk 
to my former counselor and to get her perspective but that door has closed. I’m left to search and ponder the unknown until there is an answer or peace in knowing what I think is okay and doing. Time!
It is good to stretch your brain to learn but it becomes lonely when there is nobody you can turn to that will understand or validate the chaos within. While yes, ‘nobody’ is a big field to say, but there are some things that I would rather not discuss with many and at times proven to be the case.
Searching. It comes down to and to be reminded that we are to seek God and He will give us truth, answers and faith. He is there 24/7. He wants us to search and know Him.
Lord, I need direction, I need answers and most of all, I need You. It’s as simple as that, and peace in the unknown comes as we put our trust in Him.
We will always be searching for this or that in life but it is when we trust Him, peace will come and that He will give us what we need, at the time we need. God’s Timing!
Here I am alone in my office and no desire to finish my work that can really wait until tomorrow, so I write for a bit. The quietness in the office space far from everyone in the building, hearing the HVAC motors on the roof above me makes me feel as I am on an airplane ready for take off. Anytime now, the flight attendant will be at my door offering up those yummy cookies. Hey, I can dream. Dream to take off in flight to somewhere exciting and yes those cookies. 
Tick tock tick tock, as I have two hours left to maintain this status until I can leave.
Oh Lord, I need you. I need your loving arms to hold me. Only You know me like no other. Give me strength to keep moving forward and be kind to others and to share your love and your mercy and grace. My focus needs to be on you, as you know my name and where I am when I do not even know myself.
On Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church in anticipation, as I truly love my late church service, I felt time was moving so slow. What was I doing so different than other mornings, as each time I looked at the clock, it only moved minutes from the last observance.
In all that, I found my memories, thoughts and emotions were being affected. My heart becoming heavy and fighting back tears due to grief felt. Aware of the sadness, as I found my seat, I tried to immerse myself in the worship once the music began. I tried and did but it was a battle.
It was then when I felt light hearted and a refreshing come over me. It was when I put my eyes, my thoughts and worship toward Him. I could feel joy.
Just Pondering... 