Emotions

Wrapped In Love

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment
GRIEVING ON SPECIAL DAYS & HOLIDAYS » Penny J. Kendall

The holiday season is already emotional at times missing loved ones who have passed, those we cannot see or hug right now due to the pandemic and just the cherished memories that bring the tears that seem like they will not end.

Today, as I was working and minding my own business, I remembered that I had to make a run up to another office to pick up paperwork. As I walk in, the administrative assistant was wearing this pretty, red and cozy sweater. I loved it and told her so. It made me stop and look at it closely and see the weaving of the yarn and admire the red color. I love sweaters and this was one that caught my attention.

Bereavement Gifts - Memorial Cardinal Stepping Stone | St. Jude Shop

As I was getting my paperwork, I overheard her tell the other assistant that it was her mother’s sweater. It was about two months ago that her mother passed away quickly from Cancer and she was the only child to deal with the grief and what memories remain today and through all of the tomorrows. I was so thrilled to hear that it was her mom’s sweater and the thought came, she is wrapped in her mom’s love as she wears it now.

My paperwork is now in my hands and I quietly and quickly leave the office as they remain talking. Normally, I would stop and talk and all that as women do, as I enjoy and have a wonderful work family. I could not talk. I could not leave quick enough and hoping that they would not stop my feet from moving out the door. The tears were falling quicker than I could control as I entered the elevator hoping I would not run into anybody.

Winter Cardinal | Christmas Card | Cardthartic .com

How interesting that such a thing can cause such a flow of emotions. A pretty red, cozy sweater was all it took. Again, the holidays don’t help and knowing next month will be twenty-five years since my own mother passed away of Cancer, also quickly. It all comes back seeing the same sweater that is not one you see often and knowing I buried my mom in her pretty red, cozy sweater (somewhat similar to that shown). The weaving of the yarn, the gentle black yarn mixed in just enough to add to the unique detail and knowing just how soft, it indeed brought back memories of yesterday.

VTG Bramble Lane Red Small Duster Cardigan Sweater Knit Long Sleeve Open Front

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” 
Author unknown

To observe attentively is to remember distinctly. Edgar Allan Poe

Recalling the past can awaken an emotional response. Remembering an event, a situation, or a person can evoke a shiver of excitement, the heat of anger, or the anguish of grief. … Most emotional memories are the result of cued recall. A certain date may trigger an emotional memory such as in the anniversary of a loss.

https://www.mygriefassist.com.au/inspiration-resources/quotes/

https://www.verywellhealth.com/getting-through-the-holidays-1132547

legend of the cardinal - Google Search | Christmas bird, Christmas poems, Christmas fun

I’M A PRO

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have noticed that as I get closer to some big events in my life, as in this coming week, I tend to dread, I do anything other than what I need to do, I would do just about anything else. What is worse, I can totally shut down and waste my time with doing nothing. I feel overwhelmed.

I am a BIG PROcrastinator.

Of course, I tell myself I will start soon. Sounds good. I would rather not but I so want this task OVER. This time next week, if I pass, it will all be over. I know to study. I know I should bury my head in my book and endless amount of notes. I know, too, I would rather bury my head in the sand or under a soft blanket and watch Hallmark movies.

I really do hate this character flaw in me. It is like I am throwing an inside, emotional turmoil of a tantrum. As I walked from the kitchen with that much needed, additional cup of coffee today, I realized I was doing it again. Ugh! Still, I don’t want to do it, but I must. I am dreading this coming Friday. I have a busy week ahead, which is overwhelming enough and this weekend would be perfect time to study. I have but could have done more. I have procrastinated for this long-awaited test, thinking once I had a set date and time, I’d hustle and study until I know this information inside and out. What am I doing now? I am writing this blog, which is much more fun. Do you procrastinate?

GO FIGURE…. People often procrastinate because they’re afraid of failing at the tasks that they need to complete. … Furthermore, certain personality traits, such as low self-esteem and low self-confidence, are associated with an increased fear of failure, which makes people who have these traits more likely to procrastinate.

This test will give me a certificate, being a National Certified Phlebotomist. While I want, I don’t really, it is just an accomplishment for me. It is not that I will end my present job but it all came about, like a God-thing; feeling as though I needed this in my back pocket, just in case. One thing about it, if the bottom drops out in our economy, the medical field will always be in need of a Phlebotomist.

I just hope and pray, along in this procrastination, that my brain cells activate and can recall all the information needed to pass this dreaded test. Since starting this class, which as crazy as it was, it was an accelerated class back in 2018. What was I thinking, as I sat among all those young people and questioned what am I doing. It came at a time though, I felt it was to keep my mind occupied due to a loss in my life. I was a mess emotionally but managed to conquer this endeavor, which was not easy and working a full-time job.

The way this all started, was quite exciting but not understanding why. Lord, what are you doing in my life? This was a constant question.

Looking back, as my classes were starting, it was also when my counselor closed her office and that just about put me over the edge and my emotions were all over the place. If you have followed me for long and read my blogs, I share often about her and this incident. Finals for this class was right before Thanksgiving of which I canceled at our home, with our family. Struggling to be thankful and happy plus focus, was more than I could handle. Now feeling anger with it all. Lord, what are you doing in my life?

The process of this chain of events was an up and down battle. Here I am, my last and final step and I am dragging my feet, but kicking and screaming on the way. Still, I ask, Lord, what are you doing in my life?

I know there must be a purpose. One day I will look back and see the path I have been on and read my writing here. Hopefully, smile and perhaps say, Lord, I do see what you have been doing in my life.

This week though, I will be saying, Lord I need your help for whatever you are doing in my life. I have to trust the process and the timing, as I have done in so many areas and years in my life.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded.

Be Still… and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have a plan and a purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11

Photo from barbraveling.com

45 Bible Verses for Procrastination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/procrastination

https://escapethewilderness.com/god-what-are-you-doing-with-my-life/

I now must study. First, I need to ….. just kidding.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

Of which I am doing. 😜

Fear!!! I posted this blog. I removed this blog. If you are reading, I re-posted this blog. That has been my week of the ups and downs and ins and outs with this test, many medical tests and my emotions. Good News…. I passed my phlebotomy test. The others, I will find out soon enough, probably another pill and another test.

A Good Heart, Dies

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

All week, I keep coming back to the comment that says, be worried when we don’t talk and I don’t share. It means I’m done!

I watch what is happening and the distance growing like wild fire. I am okay with it. I’m done! Perhaps he is done, too. Odds are, he is okay with it also. It’s over and coming to a close. The timing is right on time. One more big hurdle to overcome and the curtains close, no further acts to follow or hoops to jump through. I see it falling into place. Sadly, there is an excitement.

As I pondered this scenario and remembered back of all the years, certain comments, situations, etc., I felt sad but I realize that I needed to walk over some shards of glass to be tough enough to stand tall today. Painful years feeling alone in a relationship. Perhaps the Aspergers I just learned about and is as clear as day in him. A good man but it takes a desire to be a better man and husband. The wife is not to do it all, she wears thin and develops health issues. That is not fair, as I contemplate recently with my health, yet again. I am paying dearly and have while he walks with his head in the clouds and mine is near the burial ground. Lord, I want to live and be happy before I die, my mind rehearses over and over as tears seep out at times.

So many details or water under the bridge, as they say, but so little time or even interest to deal with the past. The one I remember this morning was when we were in our early marriage, I asked why he never said I was beautiful to him or I would have been happy with being pretty to him. The comment made and from him as a compliment, was that I had a good heart. While that is nice and true, the enemy had a hay day with me. Convinced and confirmed that I am not pretty and that I am ugly. An area I had always dealt with in life, he was the one to say it. If I would go back through my journals and many notes written of my thoughts and cries on paper, I would say that I gave up then. Not knowing how to deal with this. I am nothing but his wife and a mother to our children. Thank God, I had the children to love and recognize what real love was because I never knew before, in life. Neither one will ever have to doubt my love for them.

The quietness surrounds each of us, as there is no further communication, unless absolutely necessary. Many would be long gone, whether it be the wife or the husband, in most cases. Knowing him, he will not move unless I said to do so and made preparations to ease his journey. I stayed in order to get the help and healing within myself to move forward. Year after year of having a good heart, the heart weakens in many ways. It has taken years to get to this point and there is joy within that I had lost. A slow move but to a much better place. I have faith and I have hope. In God’s eyes, I am beautiful.

Psalm 139 says, God knitted us together in our mother’s womb (verse 13), carefully detailing our shape and outline and artistically forming our idiosyncrasies.

Psalm 139:14 says, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart

Why Should Men Worry When Their Woman Goes Silent

https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-your-relationship-is-dead.html/

https://biblereasons.com/womens-beauty/