Discouragement – Page 21 – Just Pondering…

Where Am I Going?

November 2, 2018November 2, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEF I’m unsure what lies ahead. Truly, do any of us know? Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists. I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days. Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away. How mean that it is of Him to do! While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times. He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2C With that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is. Isn’t that contradiction? Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care. A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for. Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on. Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

As I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take. What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way. This time in waiting is painful and lonely. At times, I feel anger rise up. All of these emotions are normal. With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’

WTH Am I Doing?

November 2, 2018November 3, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159 What in the world was I thinking? Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week. The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness. Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am. What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan. Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me. Where am I? Where am I going?

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me. Where is my counselor? Why did she have to leave? Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down. My support has been taken from me. With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all. A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer. Now, nothing! Gone. I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often. Who am I? What is this purpose? When will this pain be over? Where will tomorrow take me? Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come. Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand. We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period. Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

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Now What?

October 8, 2018April 21, 2022ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

What do I do? Where do I go?

Today, after four years of weekly counseling visits, sometimes two, of course minus vacation weeks by my counselor or sickness of either one of us, has ended. It has been long, hard, insightful and an investment that I would do all over again.

It was meant to be that I found her at the time in my life. I was going down and going fast. The Lord directed my steps and used her to help me. Forever, I will be grateful.

Now, I am faced moreso after basically an exit telephone call due to some health issues for her. I’m lost! The abandonment and attachment that has been with me as a child, which has been a part of our client/counselor relationship, knowingly and us working through, but no more. What do I do?

The thought of starting and being encouraged from her to find another, I feel a dread within. It’s exhausting to break in another counselor. I don’t want to rehearse my past. Is it possible to highlight but move forward in healing or will the new one want to know all the good, bad and the ugly to bring me back to where I am today? Then, what if they leave? Abandoned yet again.

Its crazy to know I need a new counselor to deal with my last counselor but the grieving process is overwhelming at times. While some may not understand, realize that this woman has been a part of my life for four years. We both invested in one another. Things we have discussed, only God knows besides her. That’s huge!

I felt closer to her than my own siblings. While they love me, they don’t know me. Never did. I truly have been blessed but now I walk blindly trying to know what to do. Lord, put another Christian Counselor, as you did before, in my path so I can continue on my journey and heal from the hurts within.

My heart will forever be thankful but for the time being, it hurts.