WTH Am I Doing?

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159What in the world was I thinking?  Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week.  The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness.  Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am.  What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan.  Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me.  Where am I?  Where am I going?   AD9DE022-3DFE-4FB5-B067-AC15BDF77943

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me.   Where is my counselor?  Why did she have to leave?   Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down.  My support has been taken from me.  With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all.  A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer.  Now, nothing!  Gone.  I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often.  Who am I?  What is this purpose?  When will this pain be over?  Where will tomorrow take me?  Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come.  Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand.  We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period.   Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

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