I cannot make that word large or ugly enough to express of how much it has affected my life.
To keep shame hidden and unaware, is a weight I have carried and many carry daily and throughout their lifetime. The thoughts that come that we are not good enough for this or that, the negative that has infiltrated our minds from childhood and through life is somewhat disabling.
It was not until a few years ago that I understood shame and it’s effects upon my life. Still, this morning as I am looking and researching many websites about shame did I realize that I was triggered just a few weeks ago of something that put me in a downward spiral of anger, unworthiness and sadness. While I managed and coped, I realized today that was shame again heaped upon me. Not understanding the situation and why somebody that was dear to me would ignore me basically. I took that as I am unworthy, they have lied to me all this time and I am a nobody. While I identified I was angry, it was not until writing this blog did I recognize shame. Disappointment and all the emotions became alive with this situation, I became stuck. It’s shame, yet again. Shame, it’s time to go! Thankfully, through this period, I had my counselors to allow me to talk and work through it all. Just to recognize shame, it cannot stay.
Shame wants us to hide and be all negative about ourselves that we will not fully succeed in life. It’s a great ploy of the enemy because he knows that if we had the confidence and compassion toward ourselves, as we do others, we can make an impact. As a Christian, the enemy does not want that at all. Keep him or her quiet and all is well. Becoming aware of shame and how it has tormented me, I will speak out and go forward. It may knock me for a loop, as it did recently, but I will bounce back.
To understand and to put a word with the feelings is enlightening. Why I never knew of shame really before in life is unbeknownst to me. Perhaps it wasn’t the time.
Shame is feeling sorry about who you are as a person. And toxic shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person all the time – it is pervasive. What is Toxic Shame? (The Little-Known Mental Illness) LonerWolf by https://lonerwolf.com/toxic-shame/
First, identify what shame feels like in your body. How do you embody shame? For many people, shame feels and looks closed down. We tend to embody “closed down” by hunching our shoulders or looking down, anything we can do to hide. We might clench our jaw, hold our hands as fists, or harden our gaze. The longer we hold these closed down expressions or “poses,” the longer we embody, feel, and think shame. How to Overcome the Weight of Shame by https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-weight-of-shame/
👉🏻 Be aware!
For more information about shame, Brene Brown is awesome! https://brenebrown.com/
There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
My heart hurts. Dealing with questioning myself once again, the shame tore at me. Something must be wrong with me for her to basically invalidate me and minimize my feelings and feel the rejection deeply. The one that taught me different and encouraged me all those years and knows better. I feel totally confused. 
Shame
Just Pondering... 