Author: ponderingmissylou

Are You a Lifeline?

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

 

A690CD34-394F-46E1-98C2-9B10834C049FIf you are reading this and in a position of helping others, THANK YOU.4BB561D0-8720-4E56-BE64-44501EBB811F

I cannot imagine the whole education timetable and training involved that goes behind your degrees but what I have researched, out of curiosity, I am totally amazed.

Knowing from my own personal experience with my counselor the past four years, I am and have been so thankful with what light she has shed upon my life and to help me understand the confusion, pain and chaos within that I did not understand.   Adult problems are childhood issues, a quote I have heard many times.  True.

I cannot imagine where I would be if it had not been for her.  I will never be able to thank her enough, or God for leading me to her at a time when I had no hope.

Being under her care, I have been taught, I have learned, I have done my own research and healing has taken place in my life. I am not the same person as I was when I walked through her door the very first time, thankfully.  While I still have much to learn, grow and heal, I know it is a process.  I give myself grace.

So, perhaps you feel overwhelmed and exhausted at times from listening to your clients, session after session of their visible and hidden pain, calming their fears, giving them ways to work through areas at hand and the list can go on and on and understandably so, but your own self-care is warranted and not to be overlooked.  Through each session with each client, know that you just might be their only lifeline.

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Am I Right to Write?

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment
34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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Different Wavelengths

ponderingmissylou3 Comments

Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up.   Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.

Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship.  No matter what it is.  Yes, sex, too.5A5CABA9-2B4C-47F8-A06A-26138023EB11

I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife.    Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.

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Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face.  Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact.  This is how it happens.  Never ending.  So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.

Is this typical with other Asperger couples?  Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad.  I want more in life and fun.  Just no connection.

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