Parents – Page 4 – Just Pondering…

You Are Just Like……

January 22, 2021January 22, 2021ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Stress and worry over this virus can cause such a panic, even if you do everything possible to prevent it from attacking. Nowadays, do we even know how to trace back to whomever, as many have not taken the necessary precautions and still feel like they are immune. I don’t want to believe it is real but it is. I have had way too many people I know in the hospital dealing with it and some as far as hours of being put on the ventilator.

This past week, I had a co-worker succumb to the virus. He was in an induced coma for a month, vitals were good, then a tracheotomy and days later a heart issue appeared. No doubt that is what made the final breath. A friend in Florida, the same.

Knowing I have A-Fib, my chances are high but we never know how it might affect others, even in good health. What an evil virus, it is.

This past weekend, I had plans to go hang curtains at my son’s new house, but it just never worked out. Everything fell into place but walking in the door. I found myself frustrated but I can only do so much. I went home, somewhat aggravated at my son and the whole situation.

Little did I know until two days later, he was asleep due to a fever. As a mom, my inner screams were let me in, let me take care of you son. All the precautions somewhat go by the wayside. It did not happen. Looking back, I was prevented from entering his home and plans were diminished, which I hope to think was the Lord protecting me.

Still, now knowing details, but my son was sick. To know now that he was sick and I could not get to him, I feel like a mom failure. Is it failure though or protective? If he would call today saying, ‘mom I need you.’ I’m there. I would take my chances. In that though, he is young and will get well, I’m old and could die. I know that he would feel guilty. What to do and what not to do.

We have stayed in contact and his older brother, just ten minutes away from him where I am an hour away, knows to check on him also. It definitely gives this mom some relief and less worry. I know when I am sick, I do not think to look up information or feel up to taking medication, ask for help, etc.

Knowing how I am, I guess others are the same, I don’t know. Just let me be. I have sent him locations near him to get the Covid19 test. Last night, I sent Urgent Care locations to go get an X-ray, shot, meds. Thankfully, an Amazon delivery arrives today with an oximeter, etc. Over the days of him dealing with this alone, I can tell him some things to do to help prevent pneumonia, which he gets easy, stay hydrated best with room temperature water, etc. All I can do and have done is give him direction and the tools to get through this. Will he?

This morning, I send a gif of a chest X-ray to remind him to go, trying to make a point but perhaps a smile of him thinking, ‘Oh mom!’ Please Go! Will he? Again, I can only do so much. While thinking and praying for him, which is good, it is my constant worry that I need to do more, be there, I need to help him, mom can make it better. No, I need to continuously pray but not worry and stay in peace. I need the Lord to touch my son and help and heal him. My son needs to call on the Lord himself. I have done and given without trying to be overbearing mom, I hope. He has to choose, he knows I want him to go get checked out to prevent pneumonia. Will he?

In life, besides this fever, he knows right from wrong. He is independent and a smart kid, but he is also very hardheaded. I will say stubborn also. Sometimes he pushes my buttons and causes me more gray hair. It is at these times, I sometimes think or say jokingly (not in a bad way as we both have good and bad qualities), ‘You are just like…. your father.’ I stop and realize and say more seriously, ‘You are just like…..me.’

He will and I will get through this and many other situations in life, as we have in the past. As our independent, hardheaded and stubbornness collides, I’ll still say he is like…. his father although I know the truth, he is more and just like me.

I love this child, both my children, and I pray for both, of course, but he keeps my prayer life active, as I told my sister the other night. She also has two sons and understands. The worry comes but it is when we put our trust and faith in the Lord to watch over our children, to protect them, lead and direct, where we cannot do them justice, as He can. We have to let go and let God.

The Bubble

October 19, 2020October 19, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Saturday was an experience that must end and end soon. This virus that is among all of us, nobody is exempt. Safety precautions all around us in many forms. Most adapting to the new normal right now and some throw caution to the wind. I am not here to debate but we are all dealing with a mess.

It has been three months since visiting with my sons and my daughter-in-law. Life gets busy along with the distance between our homes. Working with two in my office, one diagnosed with cancer and another having surgery, I felt I had to keep distant from many outside elements to protect them along with staying healthy myself while keeping our office moving. Limiting exposure but yet living. Is this living really? My oldest son and his wife are teachers. My youngest lives with others and the one tenant has had Corona parties at the house they are renting all together. The exposure increases and tracing would almost be impossible. My limitations of visiting and also them limiting exposure to visit is void.

Exception was on Saturday, as I had the opportunity to watch my grand-dog for the day. Upon dropping him off, no hug from my son. A general greeting and conversation. Distance of six feet was danced around like a bubble around him. Was he protecting himself or was he protecting his father and I. It was just an odd picture as I watched this all play out.

The dog was a treat to enjoy and change up the same old ordinary Saturday. Soon it was time to leave later that evening as the three of us sat in the living room, still distanced. No matter, it was a joy to hear and talk to my adult son.

Then it was time to leave. The bubble was so evident and like a brick wall. Standing at the car, by this time I would normally have had at least two hugs and one more for the road with I Love You echoing. Standing there, I did feel like he felt the loss of a hug, too. I’m his mom.

The emotions within and then the thoughts that he is afraid to hug me, protecting his mom. Although I am the same, wanting to protect him. The battle within and holding back from that embrace of my son. As he was walking further toward the car door, I said I miss your visits, the hugs and I just hate this. Hearing him say, ‘I know Mom.’ I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I hate this virus. Enough!

Does he hear the words I Love You deep enough within him from his mom, repeated once again before leaving our driveway, as I walk back into my safe place, alone in my home.

My son was so close but yet so far away in the six feet distancing. This should not be between a mom and her child(ren). Perhaps the roles have already reversed, he/they are protecting and taking care of me.

That is a whole other blog, as this makes me feel old, just thinking of it.

As we all walk through this, I hope and I pray that our health remains strong through this pandemic. I hope and pray that also for you and your family/friends, too.

We will get through this!

Hand Me Down

May 7, 2020May 9, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

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Through the years I have encouraged many to have pictures taken of their hand upon their loved ones hand and even vice versa. It will be a treasure the rest of your life, at the ending of theirs.

While I have encouraged many, I did not do it myself. The cell phones we have today with cameras were not as popular or even available back in 1996, although not for certain, knowing I did not have one.

My hands now are my mother’s hands. I never realized this until my niece grabbed my hands at the dinner table, many years ago and was in awe saying, “You have Grandma’s hands.” I do and even her swollen, aching knuckles she complained about of which I don’t care for, but thankfully just two on each hand and that is enough.

As Mother’s Day approaches this weekend, I tend to get somewhat melancholy. Wondering will my boys remember me, do they think I was a good enough mother, etc. On the other side, being a daughter, I found this date to be awkward.

My mother will always be my mom, of course, but all throughout my childhood to adulthood, we never had the mother-daughter relationship. I found myself yearning for motherly love from other mother figures and felt free to share my thoughts, touch their hand and hug. Never understanding why I felt guarded with my own mother. I know she loved me, I was her daughter. I loved her, she was my mother. It was just the acceptance of love that existed but not freely shown or spoken. What a disappointment in life.

As a family, there were many fun times, mostly with beer, at our house with many around, when I was a child. Later, it became less people in our house, as my siblings moved on with their lives. I was a late baby so I am still home. Due to work of both parents back then, the house was quiet, more seriousness, sometimes verbal bickering and I sensed jealousy, which became the norm. On top of this, I watched my dad drink heavily and then it flipped-flopped, like overnight, and mom took over the role of an alcoholic.

Understanding and realizing what I endured, I am an adult child of alcoholics with childhood emotional neglect. It all makes sense even though, so sad. Reading lately about Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), a book by Pete Walker, that can be thrown in the mix, too. In research, I have found that each of these intertwine. Since 2014, my eyes have been opened to so many things of my past and present, hopefully in recognizing and changing of my future.

My mom passed away in January, 1996. My marriage was unsettled, feeling it was all my fault. I was dealing with our young children, watching other children, tending to my father four times a day with a feeding tube, his house, our house, finances, life insurance with mom, etc., all the way down to taking out the garbage. There was no time to grieve.

It was when I stood in the grocery store, in the aisle with greeting cards and looked at Mother’s Day cards knowing I did not need to get one that year. Through the years, I would read and put back many cards as they read of the closeness and the mushy stuff between a mother and a daughter, which I never had. I just needed one to be straightforward, Happy Mother’s Day, signing my name possibly noted, with love. Standing there looking at the cards, I could not get out of the store quick enough, the grief and sadness of it all took me by surprise that day. Still, each time as I stand in the card aisle looking for just the right card to give to someone, I always remember that moment. Those silly Hallmark cards, they get me all the time. Sometimes thinking that the intercom will come on announcing, cleanup in the card aisle, a lady is crying a river.

The love was present, just knowing, and I was taken care of in the physical sense with clean clothes, nice house, etc. The outside looked fine and I learned early on how to wear and adjust my mask to appear happy, when the inside of me there was always a little girl crying out for love and attention.

While in 2014, walking in the counselor’s office about a different matter, which we discussed and I understood, it was when she said, “Now, let’s deal with you.”

While this was a surprise to me, it was not to the Lord. I have no doubt that He prepared this counselor for this time and place in my life. All through my life, I yearned for motherly hugs, never knowing why and it bothered me. It made me feel like I could not show love or receive love from my own mother (family), always coming up with the ‘what is wrong with me’ mentality. Shame had taken hold of me early on as a child, building year by year, basically stomping me down over and over of the unworthiness and feeling unlovable.

Today, meaning this time in my life, understanding the ramifications of areas mentioned, it helps me to know the whys and not question, to notice the shame as it tries to attach itself to me. I never thought I would ever get over the screams within for the hugs needed, but I have. At times wondering if I had put walls up, so that I would not be hurt again of not needing those motherly hugs, but it was and has been different. Understanding brings healing to the broken places within that the Lord knew I needed mending, and she helped me to find clarity.

Thankfully, the counselor knew me well enough in those four years, that she could probably hear the screams within or see in my eyes, oftentimes me saying in reluctance and embarrassment, Please Hug Me!

I love not having the deep yearning for love and acceptance of others. I can leave one that was or is like a mother figure, or perhaps maybe we do hug, but not feel the deep torment of the love and care needed in the loneliness felt, as I walk away. To accept myself, to care, to love, to know and that I am lovable, there is a freedom and a healing that I have never, ever experienced. 549D22D1-1FC2-4533-9AB0-889B7B9E4E9F

Mother’s Day brings many emotions for my own mom, those fill-in mothers in my life and for myself, as a mom.

Happy mother's day - brush calligraphy greeting. Vector illustration. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you as a mom. If you are a son or a daughter, and your mother is living, you need to contact her. If she has passed, you can still whisper or say, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Mom’s everywhere need to know they are not forgotten on this day.

This has been an emotional blog for me to write, as I have missed out on so many levels of love. Even though, the tears flow and I stop to mourn the loss between words, there is a joy within, as I am not the same person. As I look at my hands, my mother’s hands, they can hug that little girl within and bring comfort to the lack of love known so well, with the screams silenced, and healing to my mending heart day by day.

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