I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.
No doubt, at certain times or in joking, the lyrics of that song were sung and maybe deep down wishing it to be true. I know I have, many times.
Remembering a time while talking to my counselor yesterday, there was a time I did take a jet plane and flew out west to visit a friend. I needed time away and was desperate to get out of my life, an escape. It was probably the worst time of my life, feeling lost and numb and wanting to walk away from everything and everybody. Trusting few as my trust in others was growing smaller and smaller. How could I open up to a pastor or church leadership when the preaching and so forth was on faith, trust God, your joy is in the Lord, etc. Why be subjected to more pressure of not having enough faith and be disillusioned even further of my church family that seemed as distant and trustworthy as my own family. Where do I go?
Thankfully, through these years, I knew enough and was strong enough in my Christian walk to know that the Lord was my only hope. I have always heard through many sermons that we must know the Bible enough to grasp hold to the words as if we did not have a Bible to reference. Plus, we cannot depend upon others to walk this Christian way for us. I was learning that well through this dark, lonely wilderness. I had nobody. At times I felt invisible and walking through a maze blindly.
Since that time, I have managed and all by the Grace of God. When I felt so alone, I knew deep down that He knew my name and He knew where I was and I had to say those words aloud so many times in desperation, “Lord, you know my name and you know where I am.” It has been hard at times and still feeling my way through the maze of chaos and confusion but the end is in sight, I know it is. There is joy and then there is fear and sometimes they seem to slap one another within my mind.
I am at a point again to escape but this time to settle some things and get a new perspective, alone. Just me and God. A sweet friend said the other day that she did this at a pivotal point in her life, just her and God hashing it out. That is exactly where I am. To escape as there has to be more and I need His direction.
Life can be overwhelming and we can be consumed with hopelessness in situations. If you make no changes in your circumstances, nothing will change. We have to make a decision to want more. I seriously started with this change back in 2014. It seems like forever ago but there was a lot to sift through and I do not regret the time spent, financial aspect or the emotions expressed. I am not the same person I was when I walked in my counselor’s office the first day, back in September, 2014. I had to and you have to make a decision to start taking care of YOU. Nobody will do this for you.
Sometimes we have to escape to find ourselves. It’s okay!
“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove. I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah. I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest” (Psalm 55:6-8).
https://stillnessofthemorning.wordpress.com/tag/psalm-556-8/
I have noticed this week and now that it is the weekend, I had a sink of dirty dishes and even a pile of clothes on the end of my bed. I told myself each time that I would hang the clothing item up when I got home from work, which did not happen.
If you have dirty dishes, piles of clothes, laundry, etc., just start somewhere. Organize your bedroom, a bathroom closet, etc. If you do not or have not used something in a year, get rid of it (give away, donate or pitch). Something! Just start. It will help you feel somewhat productive even if overwhelmed.
sentence. Make plans to search out a counselor. With that and when you do and go, please give him or her a chance, as one or two visits won’t do it. They, too, are getting familiar and comfortable with you as you are them. Of course, after a month or so, if it is not a good fit, there are others, don’t stop. Perhaps go see your family doctor and know there is nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. The stigma of mental health needs to stop and be recognized — moreso today, than ever.
Sadly, with all that I wrote and recommended, many in my church family would be appalled, stating I did not have enough faith. Sad! I do have faith, enough to know when I need help and that the Lord will lead and direct me to the right counselor(s), which He did. I have come a long way and still a long way to go. It has not always been easy but I am allowing Him to heal the broken places in my heart and life with a counselor’s help. I’m a better person and a Christian with faith renewed because of my decision to get help years ago.
tending to the cares of everyone around us, our own feelings and thoughts evaporate and soon zap us leading us to ask that one question… Who am I?
Even this week, being with a dear friend, she said it, too, as her plate has been filled for months, if not years caring for others and putting herself on the back burner. It happens. Hopefully, some normalcy will come, I pray, as she settles back into her home and daily life.
Today, I can truly say and feel that the heavy rain is gone, dark clouds have disappeared, I see the rainbow and the blue skies are opening up to me like never before. Obstacles are being removed. While I still have many areas to tend to and always will because life will never be without storms, but I could sing, I can see clearly now. There is hope for me (for you).
Just Pondering... 