Recently, I was with friends at a large event. I had a counseling session beforehand, and I was telling her about going that evening, of my anxiousness and some background tidbits. I remembered and told her that the speaker that night at the event, was a former pastor of a local church. When I visited the church years ago, never meeting him before, he came over to me and prayed but then he said that my life is like a blank slate (canvas). What did that mean? I believed it was good as I was on a new journey to find me again. It had to be good — a prayer and a comment like that and in church, right?
For years, I have tossed that around, questioning. Did that mean that my thoughts all through the years, that I am a nobody, after all was correct? I’m blank. Nothing going on upstairs, I am stupid? Trust me, the thoughts and ideas popped in my head of both positive and negative, always causing doubt in myself, others and everything.
When I mentioned this to my counselor and to keep a positive spin of his comment, I just felt like I was able to 
find me and make the life that I want and desire. This is a good thing. At the time he said what he did, it was the beginning of my counseling sessions with my former counselor, now five years ago. I was and I am still trying to find me, my self-esteem that was lost, the confidence forgotten and voice that was silenced. It felt good to know that the blank slate back then is now starting to show some life and happiness.
Back then, too, years before counseling, I was at a point of deep despair, hopelessness and just existing in life. I knew I had to reach out for help and did so by going to a Christian Counselor, one that I felt I was led to by God, after many months of prayer and research. I did not just Google search for the first counselor that popped up in my area, I did my due diligence. My desire to get back into church became alive again. To attend s
mall groups with church bible studies and to be more sociable was a joy, as for years I avoided crowds, people for that matter. While it was not always easy, I did it in small steps. Plus, I was determined to fight through the rough, emotional sessions of counseling, many times wanting to quit but I would always go back the next week, knowing deep down that this was God’s Will in my life. I had to fight through many times and still, as the enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I don’t think she would let me quit anyway, thankfully.
Today, as I look back and questioned the comment that I am a blank slate, I do see it as a positive and the lines on the canvas are connecting, as there is joy exhibited and felt within and the color of beauty being expressed in and around me. Hopefully, in my writings, the creative side I lost, too. I am enjoying where I am at this point in my life, because I feel alive. I want more. There is only One that make this all fall together and give me more, the desires of my heart, as I look to Him.
Whats on your canvas? No matter what you may be going through, you can make changes, too. The Lord wants to hear us call on Him and praise Him in the small and big areas within our lives. Trust Him.
Eleanor Roosevelt writes, “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Each new day gives you a clean slate, a new start, new available strength, more grace (because His grace never runs out), and abundant love and hope.
https://www.jubileeonlinechurch.org/build-on-your-clean-slate/
I have noticed this week and now that it is the weekend, I had a sink of dirty dishes and even a pile of clothes on the end of my bed. I told myself each time that I would hang the clothing item up when I got home from work, which did not happen.
If you have dirty dishes, piles of clothes, laundry, etc., just start somewhere. Organize your bedroom, a bathroom closet, etc. If you do not or have not used something in a year, get rid of it (give away, donate or pitch). Something! Just start. It will help you feel somewhat productive even if overwhelmed.
sentence. Make plans to search out a counselor. With that and when you do and go, please give him or her a chance, as one or two visits won’t do it. They, too, are getting familiar and comfortable with you as you are them. Of course, after a month or so, if it is not a good fit, there are others, don’t stop. Perhaps go see your family doctor and know there is nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. The stigma of mental health needs to stop and be recognized — moreso today, than ever.
Sadly, with all that I wrote and recommended, many in my church family would be appalled, stating I did not have enough faith. Sad! I do have faith, enough to know when I need help and that the Lord will lead and direct me to the right counselor(s), which He did. I have come a long way and still a long way to go. It has not always been easy but I am allowing Him to heal the broken places in my heart and life with a counselor’s help. I’m a better person and a Christian with faith renewed because of my decision to get help years ago.
There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
Just Pondering... 