Heartache – Page 13 – Just Pondering…

Am I Right to Write?

February 18, 2019February 18, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence. After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted. Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion. I miss talking to her.

While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that. The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to. The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant. I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time. Today included.

There is a risk of being hurt. Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her. Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read. I never want to bother anybody. Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him. I won’t.

It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing. If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good. Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth. Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right? It comes down to fear, yet again in me.

Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt. I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie. She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself. Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing. Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this. Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning. Still, tears will fall. A part of my life is gone. Will it return and will it ever be the same? Probably not.

Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome? Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.

Seasons of Life

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change. I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.

Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me. I felt dead. It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.

While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other. So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up. Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to. Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life. I had no energy to make it happen.

As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too. As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one. My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone. It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.

Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.

While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that. At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited. Thank God I am not where I was!

My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again. Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful. I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.

No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us. In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes. Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

But I Need You!

January 14, 2019January 15, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Today. I need you! Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart. You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over. I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand. Anger at her and anger at God. Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience. Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the sadness over it all and memories. Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor. Seriously? That’s the reason I feel it. So now what? I wanted to laugh and to cry. Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice. My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed. Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person. Help me. I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same. Whether it be me, you or others. His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me. I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc. I need you to trust Me. I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it! I need You, Lord Jesus.

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