Today, I embarked on a new journey in my life. I have never done this before but I am taking a step forward. We sing a song in church that says if you take one step, He will take two. Well, I need that from the Lord as I don’t know what to do. I feel like life is heading in all sorts of directions and I feel lost, standing at a fork in the road.
I arranged a getaway for four nights, just me. I need to know me and I need the Lord to speak to me through His Word. He is my Father. He is my Husband. I need Him.
As I searched for a location to go and be alone, I narrowed it down to two places. For days I agonized over which 
way to go. I stood in my office before leaving with my arms outstretched asking if I am to go north or south. My final decision was to go north.
In my final decision and knowing more of the location, a private apartment of a family, I did my due diligence and researched them. Odds are, they did me, too, although I did need to go through some hoops to be verified that I am a decent person, no serial killer.
I told my counselor that I would not be surprised if the owner is an attorney, as I would love to pick his brain. To find out, he is a preacher. Even better. No doubt in my mind that is why I was drawn to this location. I would not be surprised to have time to talk and be encouraged from him or his wife. That’s God. The Lord is so good. 
So as I prepared to travel north and get settled in alone, I have to be honest, it was somewhat hard to do. Why do I want to leave the comfort of my own home, almost wanting to forget this trip and take a loss. With that battle in my mind, something will come of this trip and I pray it does.
I will find my place to focus on the Lord, in my writing and reading with no distractions of dust, dirty dishes or laundry pulling me away.
My beautiful view.
“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Luke 5:16
There have been so many years to where I was stuck in a depressed state of mind, body and spirit in my life that I did not see a way through the dark pit of despair.
within myself of my life here on out. I saw no hope.
him that I am in accelerated counseling, and we both laughed. Funny but true. I have lost too much in my life and I need to regain my years back, as my age is adding up to numbers that I find I shake my head at in shock. I want more in life and I know the Lord has more for me.
So many things have happened in this last year moreso that I cannot help but see the Hand of God at work. While it was rough and I took a nosedive last fall/winter, I was being pulled through with my nose to the grind in the medical class, while most times falling apart in an emotional chaos afterward. Another approach was with the acceleration with counseling this year that was put in place to keep me focused. Most importantly, trusting the Lord that He surely has a purpose and a plan for my life. There is light at the end of this tunnel and I am going through.
You, too, have a choice. Unsure where you are, whether spinning your wheels or stuck in the mud, as I have been there. Decide you want more. Take care of you. If you need counseling to figure life out, get counseling. If your energy level is depleted, go see your doctor and get blood work. It might be that you are low in iron or off in other areas within your body. If depressed, get an anti-depressant for a bit to get over the hump. Go for a walk, if just for fifteen minutes or stand outside (then you can say… you are Outstanding) and look around and breathe. It is a start. Nobody can do this for you. You have to make a choice that you want more and that you are important enough. You Are!
Recently, I was with friends at a large event. I had a counseling session beforehand, and I was telling her about going that evening, of my anxiousness and some background tidbits. I remembered and told her that the speaker that night at the event, was a former pastor of a local church. When I visited the church years ago, never meeting him before, he came over to me and prayed but then he said that my life is like a blank slate (canvas). What did that mean? I believed it was good as I was on a new journey to find me again. It had to be good — a prayer and a comment like that and in church, right?
find me and make the life that I want and desire. This is a good thing. At the time he said what he did, it was the beginning of my counseling sessions with my former counselor, now five years ago. I was and I am still trying to find me, my self-esteem that was lost, the confidence forgotten and voice that was silenced. It felt good to know that the blank slate back then is now starting to show some life and happiness.
mall groups with church bible studies and to be more sociable was a joy, as for years I avoided crowds, people for that matter. While it was not always easy, I did it in small steps. Plus, I was determined to fight through the rough, emotional sessions of counseling, many times wanting to quit but I would always go back the next week, knowing deep down that this was God’s Will in my life. I had to fight through many times and still, as the enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I don’t think she would let me quit anyway, thankfully.
Today, as I look back and questioned the comment that I am a blank slate, I do see it as a positive and the lines on the canvas are connecting, as there is joy exhibited and felt within and the color of beauty being expressed in and around me. Hopefully, in my writings, the creative side I lost, too. I am enjoying where I am at this point in my life, because I feel alive. I want more. There is only One that make this all fall together and give me more, the desires of my heart, as I look to Him.
Just Pondering... 