I cannot make that word large or ugly enough to express of how much it has affected my life.
To keep shame hidden and unaware, is a weight I have carried and many carry daily and throughout their lifetime. The thoughts that come that we are not good enough for this or that, the negative that has infiltrated our minds from childhood and through life is somewhat disabling.
It was not until a few years ago that I understood shame and it’s effects upon my life. Still, this morning as I am looking and researching many websites about shame did I realize that I was triggered just a few weeks ago of something that put me in a downward spiral of anger, unworthiness and sadness. While I managed and coped, I realized today that was shame again heaped upon me. Not understanding the situation and why somebody that was dear to me would ignore me basically. I took that as I am unworthy, they have lied to me all this time and I am a nobody. While I identified I was angry, it was not until writing this blog did I recognize shame. Disappointment and all the emotions became alive with this situation, I became stuck. It’s shame, yet again. Shame, it’s time to go! Thankfully, through this period, I had my counselors to allow me to talk and work through it all. Just to recognize shame, it cannot stay.
Shame wants us to hide and be all negative about ourselves that we will not fully succeed in life. It’s a great ploy of the enemy because he knows that if we had the confidence and compassion toward ourselves, as we do others, we can make an impact. As a Christian, the enemy does not want that at all. Keep him or her quiet and all is well. Becoming aware of shame and how it has tormented me, I will speak out and go forward. It may knock me for a loop, as it did recently, but I will bounce back.
To understand and to put a word with the feelings is enlightening. Why I never knew of shame really before in life is unbeknownst to me. Perhaps it wasn’t the time.
Shame is feeling sorry about who you are as a person. And toxic shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person all the time – it is pervasive. What is Toxic Shame? (The Little-Known Mental Illness) LonerWolf by https://lonerwolf.com/toxic-shame/
First, identify what shame feels like in your body. How do you embody shame? For many people, shame feels and looks closed down. We tend to embody “closed down” by hunching our shoulders or looking down, anything we can do to hide. We might clench our jaw, hold our hands as fists, or harden our gaze. The longer we hold these closed down expressions or “poses,” the longer we embody, feel, and think shame. How to Overcome the Weight of Shame by https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-weight-of-shame/
👉🏻 Be aware!
For more information about shame, Brene Brown is awesome! https://brenebrown.com/
Recently, I was with friends at a large event. I had a counseling session beforehand, and I was telling her about going that evening, of my anxiousness and some background tidbits. I remembered and told her that the speaker that night at the event, was a former pastor of a local church. When I visited the church years ago, never meeting him before, he came over to me and prayed but then he said that my life is like a blank slate (canvas). What did that mean? I believed it was good as I was on a new journey to find me again. It had to be good — a prayer and a comment like that and in church, right?
find me and make the life that I want and desire. This is a good thing. At the time he said what he did, it was the beginning of my counseling sessions with my former counselor, now five years ago. I was and I am still trying to find me, my self-esteem that was lost, the confidence forgotten and voice that was silenced. It felt good to know that the blank slate back then is now starting to show some life and happiness.
mall groups with church bible studies and to be more sociable was a joy, as for years I avoided crowds, people for that matter. While it was not always easy, I did it in small steps. Plus, I was determined to fight through the rough, emotional sessions of counseling, many times wanting to quit but I would always go back the next week, knowing deep down that this was God’s Will in my life. I had to fight through many times and still, as the enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I don’t think she would let me quit anyway, thankfully.
Today, as I look back and questioned the comment that I am a blank slate, I do see it as a positive and the lines on the canvas are connecting, as there is joy exhibited and felt within and the color of beauty being expressed in and around me. Hopefully, in my writings, the creative side I lost, too. I am enjoying where I am at this point in my life, because I feel alive. I want more. There is only One that make this all fall together and give me more, the desires of my heart, as I look to Him.
I have noticed this week and now that it is the weekend, I had a sink of dirty dishes and even a pile of clothes on the end of my bed. I told myself each time that I would hang the clothing item up when I got home from work, which did not happen.
If you have dirty dishes, piles of clothes, laundry, etc., just start somewhere. Organize your bedroom, a bathroom closet, etc. If you do not or have not used something in a year, get rid of it (give away, donate or pitch). Something! Just start. It will help you feel somewhat productive even if overwhelmed.
sentence. Make plans to search out a counselor. With that and when you do and go, please give him or her a chance, as one or two visits won’t do it. They, too, are getting familiar and comfortable with you as you are them. Of course, after a month or so, if it is not a good fit, there are others, don’t stop. Perhaps go see your family doctor and know there is nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. The stigma of mental health needs to stop and be recognized — moreso today, than ever.
Sadly, with all that I wrote and recommended, many in my church family would be appalled, stating I did not have enough faith. Sad! I do have faith, enough to know when I need help and that the Lord will lead and direct me to the right counselor(s), which He did. I have come a long way and still a long way to go. It has not always been easy but I am allowing Him to heal the broken places in my heart and life with a counselor’s help. I’m a better person and a Christian with faith renewed because of my decision to get help years ago.
Just Pondering... 