Just Forget Me

As I drove home from work the other day, thinking and praying, I was praying about a matter in my own life. As I went around the bend in the road, I started praying for my son. While he is getting through some issues, my heart remains heavy for him. I am his mother so he has my full heart.687B8AD4-B9DF-430E-9EDC-1B2EDA59250A

In my car I tend to pray a lot as I drive, tears flow and I feel the Spirit of God fall on me.  Now don’t tell anyone, but I tend to sing well in my car, too. I am sure many do the same as I do. Right? It’s me and the Lord. So many times through the years and had it not been for those driving moments, I may not be here. He heard my cries, saw my tears and He never left me.

As I was starting to pray for my son, I just stopped and said, ‘Lord just forget me right now, don’t take up your time with me, as I will make it through but please put Your Mighty Hand upon my child and help him.’  In just a sweet moment after saying that request, the words ‘I will not forget you’ rushed through my mind, my spirit.  I smiled. I questioned, as that was me, which is normal but that is exactly how caring He is. Confidence in knowing He will not forget me.0FBA556F-ACD2-40CD-9E73-5B963F592813

Through the years, too many times, those sweet moments carried me through and my faith increased.

Perhaps you are going through something right now that seems impossible or overwhelming or for a loved one, like me.  Please know that the Lord sees you, hears you, knows your heart and sees your tears. Trust Him and allow His Peace to flow through you.

 

3D22EC84-FD16-4AE4-B4B1-5A9D09F2C38B

The Singing Stops

E4A8B0EB-0790-4BE7-88F1-FC5DC2C6B87BTonight as I am home alone and in my kitchen cleaning as I am getting ready to leave town for the weekend, I sing and there is joy. Joy, not just because I am leaving for a few days but not inhibited or embarrassed. Nobody is here to hear or see me. Typical of my life. I feel freedom when alone.

D3B9CFB2-506A-4139-B618-E2B2065945E5Remembering tonight though, mostly my Mom through my own singing. As a small child, I would hear her sing, whistle or hum as she cleaned and smelling the freshness of our home. I always enjoyed that, as there was peace 29EE2683-4E8C-4D69-9090-14B575152DD3and happiness and it was felt. As a child, I would swing on my old metal swing set in the back, side yard with my neighboring girlfriend and we would sing as loud as possible. Nothing held us back, no embarrassment or care in the world. Happy times.

Crazy enough, not long after, I remember thinking that there is no more singing in our home. Of course, I did not know why not or reasons behind that thought but I knew enough that things changed. It was like a switch turned off the happiness to unhappiness. Children do notice and sense things. They may not understand the dynamics but are aware, I feel.

Just as in my own life and marriage, I am singing tonight because he is not home. Once he walks in the door, I become quiet once again and the doldrums return. Sad.

I know in my own situation, I have been made to feel stupid and ugly or have the eyes look at me with no expression of joy and complete blankness, no joy or delight to spark in return. Perhaps the Aspergers in play or rude behavior in action, I do not know. It happened the other day, in fact, and literally made me cringe. I determined that day, I would not let that pull me down.

Don’t worry, I have been patient and I am but I am also working to get myself healthy enough in many ways. Thank God for my counselors past and present. Most importantly, the Lord knows my name and where I am. In my hope and anticipation, He knows where I am going.

Knowing the singing stopped in my childhood, the same in my children’s lives in our home. I feel so bad about that for them and can get downright sad and feel guilty to allow it to happen but it did. I have no doubt they felt the unhappiness in our home turn off just as I did. I stayed for them and while some say it is best to go ahead and divorce, not in my case, as the outcome would not be what it was. I pushed through and made our home as stable as possible. Having them, pushed me to remain in my right mind although many days I questioned it.

10C5E00A-03B8-4D2E-AFD7-D5D7023BEA10It is my hope that one day they will call me blessed.

My parents are deceased. Tonight as I had all of this on my mind, I would love to talk to Mom and ask her just why her singing stopped. No doubt, my Dad did or said something to cause that divide. Just as my husband did. Probably not the same but enough to break her heart as it did mine. Living as husband and wife and the love stops, you just exist.5A13D819-183F-4F63-84E6-D29E0DE2891B

With this or in any situation, marriage or others, we have a choice of how to handle it all. My parents chose alcohol to deal with life. Sadly, that pushed this young little girl to figure out life for herself. One thing I did learn through that ordeal, is that I did not want alcohol to rule my life or be present in our home. Still, without alcohol, my children had to deal with some matters I am sure on their own, but I was there for them loved them with hugs and all the support I could muster up while struggling within.

So many wives stay in relationships due to financial reasons. My friend and I call this the BOAT (Because Others Are There). Many around you and me, in relationships, are struggling but wear a mask making it all appear good. Sad again.

All I can say is that I/we have to depend upon the Lord. He knows how my marriage issues affected them and that He keep watch on them. Just like He kept watch over me from my parent’s marriage issues.

Thankfully, I am moving forward and becoming healthier in all areas and feel life and joy within that I haven’t for so many years. Happiness replacing unhappiness. I will sing a new song of praise.

A9506B0B-F80F-4786-9C7F-95C4F50E2D19

Knock, Knock

223454F7-CE60-42DB-AF8F-45F74A35061FI stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be.  As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here!  I knew something was not right.

E2938424-E21B-4B9E-8694-356CF263FC05How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.

In life we mess up, we fail, our walk is not perfect, disappointment in ourselves and others, etc.  In those times, we want to hide and keep the door shut to those around us and ignore life or what happens in our world.  The point of depression and isolation can come and knock us for a loop and unsure how to get out of this tailspin.

While I understand his predicament, I also have been there many times.  In all of this, the guilt will hit me and the enemy is quick to accuse me that it is my fault. My fault because he is like me, I was and am a terrible mother and fill in the 60C181D6-80B5-4E82-84D4-4F3F62CB2E8Bblanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often.  Lies and fear must go.

My former counselor calls that rewiring your brain, too. We need to flip our thoughts to the positive. In my case with my son and the lies, etc., it is putting Satan in his place and acknowledging that the Lord is in control of this situation. Until next time and I’ll do the same. Back off!  A spiritual warfare on my behalf and definitely for my son.

Just like God, He will not give up on you, me, us. He will patiently stand at the door and knock; awaiting for the door to open and for us to acknowledge Him.  The love of a mother for her child is deep but He loves us so much more.

1BD2ADD3-56C8-40E2-96D3-E3543E5513DEMy present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate.  I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking.  The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:  if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”  He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay.  I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.

How great it is that He will never leave nor forsake us.  He awaits to hear us call upon Him.  He loves me.  He loves you. ❤️

Despondent

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.3946f751-ac17-4c3c-912b-e2fc8617dc1c-580-0000001b98a7d097

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself.  I understand the wall and isolation.  I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues.  I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed.  I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be.  Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he?  I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through.  Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

7b6aaf90-4632-44de-bd55-9b67a0b23f7d-580-0000001d0b6490c9

 

The Battle

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be.  Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him.  A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again.  As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder.  He needed his mom just as much.  As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

315095BC-9F72-4024-8A48-CD9E920035EBI just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully.  But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy.  It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away.  We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him.  Of course, that is not normal.   I have to keep my faith in God.  So hard to do at times.

8D782D20-0D7B-4D01-8C88-7246E6D05AC2

Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times.  God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

5F96671E-FD72-43F9-9232-BDCB2FD7134COf what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this.  I cannot do it for him.  We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process.  That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him.  I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding.  We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

 

It’s So Me!

D2B8CE0C-1924-4D86-B084-6D5067FE9EDCYears have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?

All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.

12B44691-6594-4EBF-B36E-FCE619490429I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.A0F98A0E-CD4B-458A-B0E0-54464EB25C71

Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize.  I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape.  I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal.  I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her.  I hid the best I could.  I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.

While this video is funny, it is sad.  They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral.  It will always be out there to haunt them.

It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job.   I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed.  Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks.  So that meant missing practice.  Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine.  In my thinking, my devotion of that for her.  Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off.  Today, when I hear that song, I cringe.  I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl.  In my case, no confidence at all.  I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.

Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago.  I let it hinder me.  Realizing shame was to blame.  Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.

Who cares.  No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget.  Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.

I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.

Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.

 

To watch the video, click on the link below.  I promise you, laughter will occur.

Dancing 5-Year-Old Steals Show At Pre-School Graduation And The Video Has Made Millions Smile

Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!