Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

Look Beyond the Glass

BFBD7697-F9C9-4C2A-81F2-089A9358A0F1Oftentimes we are held back by what we cannot see in front of us.  Fear is one major drawback that comes into play.  Many other areas pull in the same force, as hopelessness, tiredness, etc., just no get up and go.  We all run into this at some point in life, if not often.  Pushing through what is necessary and helpful whether it be within yourself or a friend.  Come on, let’s go!

Today, I was reminded of this incident by my friend that I walk with and we still laugh over it.

The morning hours when we start walking, it is still dark, somewhat scary, but we push through to daylight, usually a forty-five minute walk before work.   Through the night, it rained and humidity levels were higher.  As with most nowadays, the air conditioner runs within the homes so condensation builds up and fogs the windows.

As we make quick contact with one another as to being ready or not, I get a text saying it is too foggy out, still remembering it is dark.   I, myself, like fog so I did not see an issue.  I look out my bedroom window and it seems fine.  In that time, my friend texts back and reports that it was her window that was fogged up.

Upon being picked up that morning by her through the darkness and ‘apparent fog’ we immediately start laughing.  We still joke about fog. 19DE7B78-404C-49CB-A180-3C85B7DD5895

So as I remembered the fog incident today, seeing it at a distance in our walk, I could not help but to think we sometimes feel we walk in a fog, our brain is in a fog state, not knowing what to do in a situation, feeling stuck, etc.  We all go through this at some point in our lives, overwhelmed with what is before us.

It is when we look to the Lord and pray for His wisdom and direction that our peace will come.   We have to trust Him and be patient.  We have to look beyond the glass that is fogged up realizing He has a purpose and a plan for you, me, all of us.

Trust Him!

Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”