Anxiety

I’M A PRO

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have noticed that as I get closer to some big events in my life, as in this coming week, I tend to dread, I do anything other than what I need to do, I would do just about anything else. What is worse, I can totally shut down and waste my time with doing nothing. I feel overwhelmed.

I am a BIG PROcrastinator.

Of course, I tell myself I will start soon. Sounds good. I would rather not but I so want this task OVER. This time next week, if I pass, it will all be over. I know to study. I know I should bury my head in my book and endless amount of notes. I know, too, I would rather bury my head in the sand or under a soft blanket and watch Hallmark movies.

I really do hate this character flaw in me. It is like I am throwing an inside, emotional turmoil of a tantrum. As I walked from the kitchen with that much needed, additional cup of coffee today, I realized I was doing it again. Ugh! Still, I don’t want to do it, but I must. I am dreading this coming Friday. I have a busy week ahead, which is overwhelming enough and this weekend would be perfect time to study. I have but could have done more. I have procrastinated for this long-awaited test, thinking once I had a set date and time, I’d hustle and study until I know this information inside and out. What am I doing now? I am writing this blog, which is much more fun. Do you procrastinate?

GO FIGURE…. People often procrastinate because they’re afraid of failing at the tasks that they need to complete. … Furthermore, certain personality traits, such as low self-esteem and low self-confidence, are associated with an increased fear of failure, which makes people who have these traits more likely to procrastinate.

This test will give me a certificate, being a National Certified Phlebotomist. While I want, I don’t really, it is just an accomplishment for me. It is not that I will end my present job but it all came about, like a God-thing; feeling as though I needed this in my back pocket, just in case. One thing about it, if the bottom drops out in our economy, the medical field will always be in need of a Phlebotomist.

I just hope and pray, along in this procrastination, that my brain cells activate and can recall all the information needed to pass this dreaded test. Since starting this class, which as crazy as it was, it was an accelerated class back in 2018. What was I thinking, as I sat among all those young people and questioned what am I doing. It came at a time though, I felt it was to keep my mind occupied due to a loss in my life. I was a mess emotionally but managed to conquer this endeavor, which was not easy and working a full-time job.

The way this all started, was quite exciting but not understanding why. Lord, what are you doing in my life? This was a constant question.

Looking back, as my classes were starting, it was also when my counselor closed her office and that just about put me over the edge and my emotions were all over the place. If you have followed me for long and read my blogs, I share often about her and this incident. Finals for this class was right before Thanksgiving of which I canceled at our home, with our family. Struggling to be thankful and happy plus focus, was more than I could handle. Now feeling anger with it all. Lord, what are you doing in my life?

The process of this chain of events was an up and down battle. Here I am, my last and final step and I am dragging my feet, but kicking and screaming on the way. Still, I ask, Lord, what are you doing in my life?

I know there must be a purpose. One day I will look back and see the path I have been on and read my writing here. Hopefully, smile and perhaps say, Lord, I do see what you have been doing in my life.

This week though, I will be saying, Lord I need your help for whatever you are doing in my life. I have to trust the process and the timing, as I have done in so many areas and years in my life.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded.

Be Still… and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have a plan and a purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11

Photo from barbraveling.com

45 Bible Verses for Procrastination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/procrastination

https://escapethewilderness.com/god-what-are-you-doing-with-my-life/

I now must study. First, I need to ….. just kidding.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

Of which I am doing. 😜

Fear!!! I posted this blog. I removed this blog. If you are reading, I re-posted this blog. That has been my week of the ups and downs and ins and outs with this test, many medical tests and my emotions. Good News…. I passed my phlebotomy test. The others, I will find out soon enough, probably another pill and another test.

An Unexpected Place

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I am sure I am not alone and this has happened with you or someone you know. It is going to a doctor, whether a new one or just a visit, perhaps routine or having an issue. It always calls for blood work, another pill or a test that may require more tests. It’s like a spinning wheel that you cannot get off.

Exactly where I have been the past two months and today was a long day of tests. Thank God they are over. The last two CT scans were nothing. It was the first one that took an effort to plan and get to the hospital out of my area for this test. Being on the road at 6 a.m. was not something I would want to do daily. I realized there are a lot of people on the road this early, as the traffic was backed up in several places. Why aren’t they at home drinking coffee and leaving later, and out of my way?

A new hospital to me but probably better than most that I am familiar with, as it was easy to get in, park and find my department. As I looked around from my seat at the registration desk, I saw a room and figured I would be placed in one for my procedure. Nope, I was led to a big room of many reclining chairs and IV pumps. As I entered, I felt my body just stop but my mind thinking I don’t like this. Fear hit. The thoughts of knowing each empty chair, had held many people with the same fear I felt, some hopeful and some hopeless as this is their chance to keep living. I was the first to be in this empty room as the Nurse handled my records and soon starte my IV.

One by one, the chairs filled from those older than me, the same age and then a young girl, maybe mid- twenties came in with her beanie hat on, knowing there was no hair underneath it. What I did like was that most patients had a support person beside them, which shocked me due to this Covid19 restrictions. Even though, it made me happy they had one by their side to talk to or just be there. Only two of us had nobody with us.

I was okay with this, being alone, until the injection was administered slowly. I could feel the medicine injected hit me and the heat although it was cold settle right below my rib cage. Oh my, I don’t like this either. Unsure what I expected but not that feeling. Each slow push, this sensation would return. The Nurse was very attentive, as she knew the first push was an eye-opening experience for me. Here I am in a room full of others, but in this time period of her finishing my injection, nobody else mattered. I had to deal with myself. I think I finally disconnected from it all especially when the man next to me was nauseous, as I was. He had a different procedure but we both were struggling. The thought of, ‘Oh Mr. please do not get sick because I will be right behind you.’ Not a good turn of events for the Nurses or others, if so. Mentally, I had to disengage and just be still. At this point, if this did not lessen, wondering if I could even drive home, or if I would faint upon standing due to the shock.

After an hour or so, I did feel back to normal, knowing I don’t want to deal with this sensation or a room as such ever again. It was then I looked over at the young girl, with a life ahead of her that may or may not be and knowing, too, she has been through way much more than I did in those few hours. It’s those I want to take their place, as I’m old. The filled seats, the IV pumps beeping, hearing the drips of the one next to me, the aroma of medical plastic, antiseptics used and that once warm blanket now room temperature on each of our bodies, was pretty surreal.

This is what many people deal with often. No doubt their first time walking in this big room of chairs with or without people, I am sure they did not like it either and fear struck them. Thankfully the medical technology has improved so much to have this available. Many will walk in, walk out and return. Many will walk in and walk out and not return. Hopefully, for the good.

I really liked the hospital and the people. I had a great Nurse but they were all awesome with the patients and working well together. If anything, this stopped me to realize a little more of what others go through when getting chemo, dialysis, platelets, infusions, etc. To have more empathy of the patients and a deeper appreciation of the Nurses. I watched both today as an outsider looking in, from my chair in the corner, of an unexpected place.

Depressed Dreamers

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

What a week it has been. Well, this month, too. Let’s not forget this whole year. Whew!

This year has been an introvert’s dream and noticed life is good, with less chaos around them. The extrovert is more nervous than previously, not knowing what to do with the down time. I am in the mix but more introvert. I feel there is always something to do, improve, clean, etc., but I also enjoy the downtime, naps and writing. This year, we have all had to adapt.

This week and past month especially, I have heard many mention, of course, the Presidential election. It is in process and soon we will all know the final decision. This blog is not to express my choice of candidate or yours, just the observation I have had and found interesting. Odds are, you have also.

My mom used to say when in such events, and that is somebody will win and somebody will lose. Usually from her, it was in regard to my athletic ability, of which I had none or no interest. Looking at it though in this way, it takes away the pain of being a loser. Here we are with the big boys. One will win and one will lose.

No matter what side in this election, one side will be happy and one side will be sad, angry and depressed; perhaps feel fear over the future. No matter, one will win and one will lose.

In this year of 2020, a time that will go down in history with the Covid19 and the Presidential election, many predictions have been made. I am sure we all have had a thought of predicting ourselves of the outcome, whether spoken or not or that desire of such to come into fruition. Time will tell.

Here is where I find all of this to be of interest. In the months getting closer to November 3rd, I know many that are glued and watch television and listen to those that have had a dream of the outcome or shared their predictions. These are those that have deep faith and hear from God. While I understand faith and have faith, I do believe that God can and does speak to us or felt in our spirit, which I have experienced myself in my own life. I do believe that dreams can be spiritual dreams, too. I do know also that everyone that has a dream can be just that, a dream.

My friend was so convinced that this one man was the real deal and then another and that continued through many Christians that heard from the Lord. I found her to be in confusion and the anxiety building. My advice was to turn off the media. It was her husband that added fire to the chaos between them and tossing which one to believe or all of them.

Now this week, both of them are definitely confused and doubting the prophets. It is not doubting God, it is those wanting to be God. In this, I have heard prophesies and have seen healing before my very eyes. God is not an author of confusion. Those that had dreams and professed how this election would go, but didn’t. I wonder if they are also doubting themselves and also God. It is easy to feel confused and disappointed in man, yourself and God.

“My heart is not full of faith. So many prophets have said Trump would win. Did they all miss hearing God?” In this, with her mentioning the many names of those that they listened to and their faith was placed. Her text continues on with many questions and doubts. “I still can’t wrap my mind around what is happening. How did so many highly, reputable prophets miss God?” This is one friend that will dip into a state of depression and feel the doom and gloom and it is the end of the world. How many others will?

This is not only one but many to experience this possible outcome. I may not like it and you may not like it but one thing about it, this is no surprise to God. Many will be shaken. Many will question their own faith, as my friend, and doubt all those that had a dream and predictions, with faith being lifted. Many voices were heard and believed. Could this be where Satan wants Christians, pulling away from their faith? Could this be where we fight the good fight of faith, to remain true to God and His Word even in the face of opposition, oppression and adversity. We each have a choice.

In the end and whatever the final count in this situation with what the election will be, one will win and one will lose.

Our position at that point is to pray for our President. Most importantly, to keep our trust in God.