Anger

Forgive? Forget?

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

When years have passed and a lot of bitter waters flowed within a family, there comes a time to block a relationship and go the other way. One of the best moves I have ever done and actually the first time, to block a member of my own family from the hatred messages received. There was peace. To block one is very powerful and freeing. Why didn’t I do that sooner? I allowed a lot of unnecessary stress and tears before hitting the option, to block or not to block. Block.

It was their choice to cut family ties years before and pretend I was dead, actually they wished I was, no doubt. After going through years of this, I welcomed this divide.

To my surprise, I had a message awaiting me, which surprised me as I blocked her. Apparently, a new profile requesting friendship on Facebook allows this to happen but all I could say or think was, “I’m Good.” I am. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet. Whatever is said or done, that is on them. I will not allow myself to be harassed or stressed anymore. A decision to be a ‘friend’ on Facebook and then to send a message of, “Let Bygones Be Bygones” still, “I’m Good” with no reply. It’s best to leave well enough alone.

So epiphany came to mind.

Epiphany is an “Aha!” moment. As a literary device, epiphany (pronounced ih-pif–uh-nee) is the moment when a character is suddenly struck with a life-changing realization which changes the rest of the story. Often, an epiphany begins with a small, everyday occurrence or experience.

The movie, "Monster-In-Law" of a daughter-in-law (Charlie) to-be speaks to an upcoming mother-in-law on the wedding day after being so manipulative and jealous of the couple's relationship and trying to stop the wedding in however way she could. Finally saying the marriage could go forward. Charlie says, "What, am I supposed to believe that you've had some epiphany? That all of the sudden everything is going to be different?"

Actually, a “Come to Jesus’ moment is another way to think of this epiphany when it happens after years of being gossiped and lied about for years to those I know. Hopefully, those listening to the non-stop lies and gossip, they realized just what the one speaking really is and sees them for that. I cannot concern myself with what was or is said or believed. I did for a long time, but I had to let it go.

As much as it deeply hurt, I wanted to go behind them to fight my case, as there are always two sides to a story. I could also smear their reputation just as well but it is not worth my time or energy. In time, all I could and can do is to wait and let God fight my battles. In time, those that heard all the talk will understand, as they definitely felt the need to be heard in order to feel bigger and better. Some need that drama. I don’t have to say a word or defend my position.

My place was to remain in peace within myself, process the hurt and pain as I could but in the end, to forgive. Forgiveness is for me.

You Can Forgive Someone, But That Doesn’t Mean They Need To Stay In Your Life. But forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to keep that person in your life.

In a word – absolutely! Forgiveness is the foundation that must be laid in order to journey toward healing. When we forgive someone, instant healing doesn’t come (especially when the hurt causes deep emotional wounds).

I am sure we have all dealt with situations in life that we needed forgiveness for ourselves or for others. The same holds true with unforgiveness, we may hold toward others or they may hold toward us. Not an easy situation most times but we are faced with it in life. At times, we have to even forgive ourselves and that is even hard. Sometimes we have to forgive by faith.

Do we forgive? Can we forget?

Do we not forgive? Do we not forget?

Do we forget? Do we not forgive?

Forgiveness may not happen overnight, as there will probably be a lot of emotional baggage and let’s not forget anger.

This past week, I have had to re-examine this situation in our family. There has been a lot of water under the bridge over the years. As requested, let’s let bygones be bygones. I’m good with that and we continue to go our separate ways.

I’m good and I do wish them well.

I’M A PRO

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have noticed that as I get closer to some big events in my life, as in this coming week, I tend to dread, I do anything other than what I need to do, I would do just about anything else. What is worse, I can totally shut down and waste my time with doing nothing. I feel overwhelmed.

I am a BIG PROcrastinator.

Of course, I tell myself I will start soon. Sounds good. I would rather not but I so want this task OVER. This time next week, if I pass, it will all be over. I know to study. I know I should bury my head in my book and endless amount of notes. I know, too, I would rather bury my head in the sand or under a soft blanket and watch Hallmark movies.

I really do hate this character flaw in me. It is like I am throwing an inside, emotional turmoil of a tantrum. As I walked from the kitchen with that much needed, additional cup of coffee today, I realized I was doing it again. Ugh! Still, I don’t want to do it, but I must. I am dreading this coming Friday. I have a busy week ahead, which is overwhelming enough and this weekend would be perfect time to study. I have but could have done more. I have procrastinated for this long-awaited test, thinking once I had a set date and time, I’d hustle and study until I know this information inside and out. What am I doing now? I am writing this blog, which is much more fun. Do you procrastinate?

GO FIGURE…. People often procrastinate because they’re afraid of failing at the tasks that they need to complete. … Furthermore, certain personality traits, such as low self-esteem and low self-confidence, are associated with an increased fear of failure, which makes people who have these traits more likely to procrastinate.

This test will give me a certificate, being a National Certified Phlebotomist. While I want, I don’t really, it is just an accomplishment for me. It is not that I will end my present job but it all came about, like a God-thing; feeling as though I needed this in my back pocket, just in case. One thing about it, if the bottom drops out in our economy, the medical field will always be in need of a Phlebotomist.

I just hope and pray, along in this procrastination, that my brain cells activate and can recall all the information needed to pass this dreaded test. Since starting this class, which as crazy as it was, it was an accelerated class back in 2018. What was I thinking, as I sat among all those young people and questioned what am I doing. It came at a time though, I felt it was to keep my mind occupied due to a loss in my life. I was a mess emotionally but managed to conquer this endeavor, which was not easy and working a full-time job.

The way this all started, was quite exciting but not understanding why. Lord, what are you doing in my life? This was a constant question.

Looking back, as my classes were starting, it was also when my counselor closed her office and that just about put me over the edge and my emotions were all over the place. If you have followed me for long and read my blogs, I share often about her and this incident. Finals for this class was right before Thanksgiving of which I canceled at our home, with our family. Struggling to be thankful and happy plus focus, was more than I could handle. Now feeling anger with it all. Lord, what are you doing in my life?

The process of this chain of events was an up and down battle. Here I am, my last and final step and I am dragging my feet, but kicking and screaming on the way. Still, I ask, Lord, what are you doing in my life?

I know there must be a purpose. One day I will look back and see the path I have been on and read my writing here. Hopefully, smile and perhaps say, Lord, I do see what you have been doing in my life.

This week though, I will be saying, Lord I need your help for whatever you are doing in my life. I have to trust the process and the timing, as I have done in so many areas and years in my life.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded.

Be Still… and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have a plan and a purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11

Photo from barbraveling.com

45 Bible Verses for Procrastination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/procrastination

https://escapethewilderness.com/god-what-are-you-doing-with-my-life/

I now must study. First, I need to ….. just kidding.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

Of which I am doing. 😜

Fear!!! I posted this blog. I removed this blog. If you are reading, I re-posted this blog. That has been my week of the ups and downs and ins and outs with this test, many medical tests and my emotions. Good News…. I passed my phlebotomy test. The others, I will find out soon enough, probably another pill and another test.

A Hugless Year

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

As we are nearing the end of 2020, a year we will never forget, and cannot wait for this all to be over, we cope and keep moving forward.

The holidays are nearing but apprehension is also. Do we meet or don’t we, is the question. Do we have less people or keep it the same and take our chances, is also a question. Trying to buy food and the right amount comes into play, although the grocery store shelves may take care of that decision for us.

I do plan to have just my two sons, daughter-in-law and her parents, that is it. Normally, I would have all of my husband’s family in. While I love them, I am looking forward to a smaller crowd around my table, not tables. I normally would make part of my living room area look like a small cafe with four tables. It works and is nice but so nice not to do, too. Maybe next year. We will take food over to his elderly parents, so they are not in the midst of many. It will all work out and I think everyone understands the circumstances, even though we do not like what is happening.

The holidays are a time of laughter and for me, hugs to and from my sons, especially. I so miss them this year, more than ever. I know that my son and his wife are being very selective due to this virus. I feel my other son is also although he might be enjoying the slower pace of life. He is at the age, that he is busy and the selfish, sad side of me, thinking he is too busy for his mom. I do remember being his age and I was too busy for my parents. Perhaps that old saying, what goes around, comes around. Be Still is my motto. I know that he knows I am here, which was proven in a previous blog, So Far Away.

My oldest son was up last month to drop their dog off for me to watch. Upon arriving and leaving, NO hug. How hard this was for me while trying to keep it together as he pulled out of our driveway to go home, which was emotional. I found myself angry at this virus. I have done so well but this was just so odd to feel as though he was afraid to hug me, protecting me but I also needed to protect him. A blog is floating around in my writings, called, The Bubble.

So I am trying to prepare myself that I will probably not get hugs on Thanksgiving. I said I am trying, that is all I can do. If it was just the chance of hugging and only I would be a risk, then hug me. I will take my chances. Now that we know that nobody is exempt, no matter what age, precaution is warranted. Still, I will try to get through this but knowing I will fall apart when they leave. In that, too, I am preparing for and know that it is okay. I am a mom, moms need hugs.

If this pandemic would have been years earlier, I am unsure how I would have managed. I really don’t think as well as I have, I know so. Thank God in my counseling sessions with my former counselor, we discussed often the need I had for hugs, especially from a few mother figures in my life. While I knew I dealt with this, I never really understood why. Typical thinking of that I did not receive hugs from my mom, that is all. The yearning for the lost love was present within me.

This counselor dug deep within me to pull out the rejection, abandonment and shame, just to name a few. These sessions were not always easy to process but enough that I grasped the whys in my life. To walk in her office for help due to my marriage issues and while we did so, she then stopped and said, “Now let’s deal with you.” I will never forget that day. This was not at all what I was expecting, but she was wise enough to almost see the depths of my soul, it felt like. With no hesitation we continued and in those many, many sessions over the years, layer by layer, she peeled back my hurts. These sessions were not always pleasant.

Abandonment, a major part was exposed. Why did I not know this?To feel abandonment is cruel, almost a torment, screaming quietly, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME, to deaf ears around me. As I sat across from her, so many times, I felt she heard my silent screams but making me say, Please Hug Me. This was so hard but became somewhat easier, as I learned to trust her more. Had it not been for her understanding and hugs at times, I don’t know if I would be capable of handling this year.

While she was not a motherly figure to me, as both of us being around the same age with her younger in fact, but I could project that on her at the times. Project, I believe is the right term. No matter, it was helpful, even though painful to pull up those thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So in doing so, years ago, acknowledging the whys within me of those hugs I desperately needed from many, I no longer yearn for now. It is like an escape from jail. Freedom. Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs and really miss receiving and giving, as we all do probably. Right now, it is frowned upon due to the virus. I’m okay with that, until it comes to my sons. I want to hug my sons. I need their hugs, too.

With less visits, they are busy in life, as I am also, but we are all in a different place in life, and I understand. I cannot help but feel that tug of abandonment. Abandonment, even from my own sons. I know though, I cannot linger in that place of feeling abandoned. I feel it, I acknowledge it and I release it. It throws a heavy punch in my gut but it does not stay. They both know I love them and I know they love me.

Will I hug my boys on Thanksgiving upon arriving or leaving and in between when possible? I don’t know. While my oldest is more precautious, my youngest is a hugger so this might be hard for him and I but we will get through this. Often I wonder if I ran into my former counselor in public, who said we could talk and I could have a hug, if that would even happen now. This virus is the pits. If not, I know and I know that she knows I will have to deal with the gut-punch and the emotions, but mostly that I will get back up and continue in this hugless year.

So how are you dealing with less hugs and less togetherness with friends and family this year?

🍂 Before I forget, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. 🍂