I was sent an old photo today from my oldest son, eleven years ago, his last year of college. One of those pop up photos on Facebook, of the four of us.

Eleven years ago! It seems like so much longer. Unsure if that is a good statement or not. What I did see was my family, but much more. The boys have matured so much and so much has happened in those eleven years. Thankfully, mostly good.

What I glanced at and tried not to go deep in thought, was me in this photo. Here I am writing about it. Sadness. I was desperate for help and clarity in my life. Depression knocking at my door daily. My boys were growing up, one in college. The other one lost in his own decisions about life and direction. His so-called friends did not help matters and I had to be the bully mom to stand up through some ordeals.

In me, I saw the heaviest of weight on my body, the sadness in my eyes, even though the mask worn was happy to those in my path to see only the best.

There was so much wrong in my situation, and even in this photo but I shut down from sharing. Tackling the lack of trust and actually who would believe me. I was stuck in a performance in life to portray a happy family life and marriage. I was dying.

How many around us can be in the same situation, alone and physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually dying? Odds are, the percentage is higher than you would think.

I always heard, Everything that glitters, is not gold. While I did not have a glittering life, I knew the fragments were there but definitely hidden. Still, I/we were blessed.

Eleven years later, I’m not the same. I had to hold on tight in many instances and stick to some tough love with my boys. I am happy I survived for them. I am a survivor!

There are situations in life, you have to decide whether to hold on or let go. Sometimes, both.

Psalm 139

Lord, you have examined me
and know all about me.
² You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts before I think them.
³ You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
⁴ Lord, even before I say a word,
you already know it.
⁵ You are all around me—in front and in back—
and have put your hand on me.
⁶ Your knowledge is amazing to me;
it is more than I can understand.

⁷ Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
    Where can I run from you?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
    If I lie down in the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I rise with the sun in the east
    and settle in the west beyond the sea,
¹⁰ even there you would guide me.
    With your right hand you would hold me.

¹¹ I could say, “The darkness will hide me.
    Let the light around me turn into night.”
¹² But even the darkness is not dark to you.
    The night is as light as the day;
    darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made my whole being;
    you formed me in my mother’s body.
¹⁴ I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
    What you have done is wonderful.
    I know this very well.
¹⁵ You saw my bones being formed
    as I took shape in my mother’s body.
When I was put together there,
¹⁶ you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me
    were written in your book
    before I was one day old.

¹⁷ God, your thoughts are precious to me.
    They are so many!
¹⁸ If I could count them,
    they would be more than all the grains of sand.
When I wake up,
    I am still with you.

¹⁹ God, I wish you would kill the wicked!
Get away from me, you murderers!
²⁰ They say evil things about you.
Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly.
²¹ Lord, I hate those who hate you;
I hate those who rise up against you.
²² I feel only hate for them;
they are my enemies.

²³ God, examine me and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any bad thing in me.
Lead me on the road to everlasting life.