Isn’t it funny how things come about and make sense, perhaps years later, more like decades in my case?
As a small child, I was always told to sit down, be quiet and do not bother anybody or anything. I would go to work with my mom many times when she cleaned 
houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
The imposition came to mind when discussing abandonment with my counselor yesterday. I was an unwanted burden. We both know this has been an issue for me in life. One of those things yet again, I never had a word for of how I felt until my former counselor identified. So, that is what I felt and it all made sense, that was just in the last five years. Not easy to work through but at least I am not questioning the whys within me.
Abandonment, odds are came early for me, birth to eighteen months. Seems unreal and kind of crazy to even consider but makes sense to tie all the lose ends together. No maternal bonding as that was one of my questions wondering why our relationship was not like most mother-daughter connections. There was never a mushy greeting card to reflect what was not there, ever. Still she was my mom. One of those moments, all my life, to sit back and look at the situation but never understanding.
“If my own mother can’t love me, who can?” “Is there something wrong with me.”
Talking to him about this abandonment, I remembered mom’s words many times through the years the fact that right after having me, the day we came home from the hospital, she had to make Thanksgiving dinner. Back then, they kept mother and baby for days in the hospital, unlike today.
So, with a large family already, knowing I was the seventh child, seven years younger from my sister, other family members visiting, you know the general holiday gathering of family and friends, odds are I was tossed from one to another and that continued. Take care of 
your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
Partly, there is shock and working through for healing but then comes strength in knowing the facts. With all the comments, whether in joking, sarcasm and perhaps hatred of being in the way, it happened to me. I heard all of that and it affected me, more than I realized.
As I told my mom while sitting on her bed, while she was putting laundry away, and out of her way; it was when I was about seven or eight, I questioned if I was a mistake with no reply. I still remember that day, as if it was yesterday. I shrugged my shoulders probably knowing already or why would I even ask, but then said to her that perhaps I am here to take care of you and dad later in life. That actually took place, until their deaths. Out of the mouths of babes.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and 
lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
So many times in life, we are put down, ridiculed, etc., to where we do not know the who, what, when, where and whys in life. But God… It’s when you put your trust in Him and believe He has your life in His Hands, and trust Him and watch your faith grow, then the other does not matter as much.
I am no bother or imposition to God. He is there for me 24/7 as He is for you. Trust Him.
https://healingbrave.com/blogs/all/i-am-affirmations-healing-purpose-abundance
The other day, working and running from one appointment to another after leaving work early, in hopes that everyone needs to run on schedule as I had to. Three appointments, an hour each, everything worked perfectly. It was a good day, the stars all lined up, as they say.
dish although I have one on my desk that is open for guests to enjoy. I waited more, thinking the appointment my counselor was in would soon end and she would be rounding the corner to greet me. I waited, still. I wrote, texted, read, ate another mint and I could feel myself melt in the chair 
from tiredness of the early morning alarm and the busy day. I was now too tired to really talk, the clock was ticking away and I finally set my time that I would leave. I wrote a brief note and I left. I never do that either. Done. Goodbye.
counselor. Oh my gosh! The ‘OMG’ panic, fear and anger was missing. Whether I was too tired or was I just frustrated, I tried to figure out. Was it me? Did I forget or have the wrong day? Knowing this was an off day to meet due to a previous engagement, but we both agreed the week before and also confirmed in an e-mail days before. My mind tossed this and that as I drove away. Have I changed that much? Has there been a healing in this weak area of my life of fear of being left, rejected, forgotten? I even had to think of my relationship with her compared to my former counselor, is it me that I do not care enough for this counselor. I do care. There is a difference between them, of course, but that was not it either. This feeling of being forgotten before would not matter whom it was or situation.
the point that my time and that it is more valuable than being concerned with things I have no control over.
unsettledness was ever-so present. I counted down the days until her return. To help me and I shared with her, I installed a timer app on my phone, I still use it. My coping mechanism, as it keeps track so my mind can be somewhat at ease of not counting. With this, I can just look at the time, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, cry if I need to and move forward. Technology in this sense shows me I made it, some days were rough and have been, but I was and I am moving forward. It’s what works for you to bring calmness.
The pen she holds that just made notes about me in her file because of the connection between us.
How sad it is to consider that a little girl, now older woman still clings to such. What happened in that little girl’s life to hold on for dear life to such objects? Maybe one day, when the Lord feels the time is right, I will know exactly why and mostly, what happened to cause such a deep root to still rear its ugly head. Abandonment in love, emotional neglect was definitely evident.
photo, these were typical of me through life and sadly still. I know the three hundred and sixty-fifth day is approaching since our last session. My grieving is present still, I acknowledge that. Will I see her again for a session? No. It is just my coping skill to get through the loss, sadness and hopefully healing as I see this pattern and know I have made it and I will make it.
If you have dealt with loss and lack of love in childhood or as an adult, you will understand me. It’s real. It’s real hard, too. Through it, you have to learn to care for yourself, re-parent yourself, get in touch with your inner child and just love and appreciate yourself. Do I have all that together? No, but I do know now what I am dealing with and what I lacked and taking one day at a time.
Just Pondering... 