Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.
Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.
Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 
immediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging. I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use. Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.
While her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw. I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.
Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.
While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.
Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good. If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why. I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 
away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.
I am waiting for the open door, to walk through to freedom in life, as there is more for me and I await patiently because it is happening, I feel it. I want to rush through it but I continue to stand, knowing the Lord’s Timing is always right on time. I wait.
Smile, you are on camera.
This past weekend, I was at a great ladies conference and while no large camera was rolling, I saw many cell phones out and being used more and more as the conference continued. It was like, monkey see monkey do.
platform of those to be on camera, close shots, etc., but the congregation in worship and prayer, it is not the place. To cover the whole service from the back of the sanctuary is sufficient and still allows a freedom.
The ugly cry.
Just Pondering... 