This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.
There was an excitement just months prior of me enrolling in a medical class, which was a big step for this old girl. I finally felt empowered enough to move forward after many years of feeling hopeless. Counseling for years was helping me cope and understand myself plus my faith knowing I could do this and my dreams and desires were coming alive. Wonderful. Life was good.
It was in September though as classes started and my counselor of almost four years decided to close her office due to medical issues, of course, unexpectedly. While I understood and was concerned, I could not help but feel abandoned by her. My heart was hurting and my emotions were everywhere.
I would work full-time, go to class in the evenings and when I left, I sat in my car and cried, the grief was too much. This class was too much. My life was too much. 
How can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.
Through all of this turmoil within, I also knew I had to put a Thanksgiving dinner together for my husband’s family and our own, although my oldest son, now married would be with his wife’s family several states away. The month of November was one with my nose in the medical book, studying for finals the week before Thanksgiving, my house not ready and no desire to go forward, just managing the best I could. My surprise was to get a 94 on my final, which shocked me completely. The joy of the results disappeared soon after, as I was still falling apart within and now no counselor to counsel me, left totally in the dark. Now the anger was more prevalent due to it all.
Being so overwhelmed and grieving, I cancelled Thanksgiving. I did. I was done.
Thanksgiving Day was lonely in my home, just like any other day. My youngest son, living an hour away, decided to stay at his home. I offered for him, me and his father to go out and eat but he had no interest. Loneliness all around with depression raining down on each of us.
Finally, it was late that night when I spoke to my son, instead of texting. In the voice, a lot can be heard and discerned. I knew he was sad over no Thanksgiving. He probably thought that since his older brother was not present, he was not worth it. Still, that thought brings 
sadness all over me. I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again. He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.
In our telephone call, with my motherly instinct, thank God, I told him to get ready as I am coming down to his house. It was dark and late but off I went to be with him, I apologized and told him I will never do that again. We went to eat, get groceries, do all of his laundry and went bowling at midnight. We both had fun and I put a pot of chili in his crock pot to enjoy the next few days. In the end, he received my undivided attention and his mother’s love. He needed me and I needed him.
This year we will have the family in for Thanksgiving and if I get the house clean, fine and if not, fine. I learned my lesson.
“Thanksgiving is the holiday where people come together. At least, that’s what most of us are conditioned to believe. While Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most inclusive and unifying holiday on the calendar — particularly for families — it also has the potential to generate the most loneliness.”
Holiday Depression, it happens!
https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1
Self-Care During the Holidays, it’s needed!
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-self-care-during-the-holidays/
Just yesterday I was in my twenties, thirties, forties and, of course, fifties. Now, the BIG 60. How did that happen so quickly? I also often wonder how I and/or we have made it to our 30th anniversary. Wow! 30 years!
As I was busy with toddlers and caring for my aging parents, things changed in those years. My parents passed within two years of one another, then dealing with the estate and family issues. Sadly, my marriage died, too. Alone within and being private while wearing a mask of us all being a happy Christian family. Taking this all upon me, as it was all my fault, accepting the lies and rumors being spread that I am a bad person, etc., was weighing heavy upon me.
thankfully not a large space. While scrubbing, I remember thinking I am just like the fairytale we have all read, Cinderella. As for much of the forties, I do not remember, as I lost myself in those years. My focus was on my children and my energy went to them, otherwise depression was overtaking me.
Today, I embarked on a new journey in my life. I have never done this before but I am taking a step forward. We sing a song in church that says if you take one step, He will take two. Well, I need that from the Lord as I don’t know what to do. I feel like life is heading in all sorts of directions and I feel lost, standing at a fork in the road.
I arranged a getaway for four nights, just me. I need to know me and I need the Lord to speak to me through His Word. He is my Father. He is my Husband. I need Him.
way to go. I stood in my office before leaving with my arms outstretched asking if I am to go north or south. My final decision was to go north.
I told my counselor that I would not be surprised if the owner is an attorney, as I would love to pick his brain. To find out, he is a preacher. Even better. No doubt in my mind that is why I was drawn to this location. I would not be surprised to have time to talk and be encouraged from him or his wife. That’s God. The Lord is so good. 
Just Pondering... 