Many years ago I went through one of the toughest battles ever, feeling lost in the darkness of my thoughts and feelings with nobody to turn to. It’s interesting, twice this past week, this time of my life came up in conversations. I discussed with my counselor but also listening and encouraging a friend the other night, who is experiencing total hopelessness in her life, wanting to die. Sadly, I knew exactly what she felt and heard the screams of her begging God to let her die.
Taking day by day but really just existing, it got so bad I remember feeling actually numb and not knowing how I got from home to work, vice versa, and dealt with life. I remember driving to work, knowing deep within that 
God was carrying me. He had to carry me. The Footprints in the Sand picture and the words that I have read many times, became real. One of those moments when you think or say, so that is what this feels like. Yes. He was carrying me and at times dragging or pushing me. Had it not been and had I not had my faith in Him, I do not know what I would have done.
Many in the church were present around me as I tried to go and worship but still, even in the midst, I felt invisible. I worked closely with the Pastor with typing and tending to his paperwork and correspondence, but even he did not discern, acknowledge or offer to see through my heavy heart or hear my silent screams. Alone in the dark for years not understanding or able to confide in others. I had been hurt so much by those that said they loved me and cared so how could I trust another.
Perhaps the walls surrounding me were so high, that I had built and rightfully so and normal, that they could not see or reach out to me. Still, if you cared enough, chip away at the wall to help me tear the walls down, as I needed freedom from the hell within. Desperate and hopeless, just as my friend.
Years progressed to more years and I felt I finally gave up. One last straw broke me. Isolation and depression attacked my very being. My life was between going to and from work and home to repeat the next day. Being an empty nester, I did not have to act as though I was fine because I was not. My husband was present in body only but nothing more, just keeping the legal form of our marriage license intact only.
Even though the dark days of this wilderness journey was horrendous for me, today I am much stronger in my faith. It was through those times and many nights curled up in my chair struggling to live through the emotional pain and mental torment, but I had to trust in the Lord. He said in His Word that He has a purpose and a plan for me, He would not leave or forsake me. I had to trust Him. Even when I was so angry with myself, others, my life and even God and then to express such anger to Him. My faith deepened even through my screams of anger at Him. He knew I was angry anyway, I had to be real with Him.
Wildernesses are not wasted by God.
As bad as it was, I know the trials that come now won’t last forever and hopefully not as long as the wilderness experience I had. Tomorrow will be better. No matter what comes, I must trust Him. You, too.
Know He loves you. He knows your name. He knows where you are. He knows all about you. Trust Him! ✝️
God does not waste any of our life experiences and promises that although, life might not feel good right now, he works all things for our benefit and for the purpose of transforming us into the image of his son, Jesus Christ (Rom 8:28-29). https://asistasjourney.com/2012/06/29/a-wilderness-experience-depression/
Wilderness Experience https://www.gotquestions.org/wilderness-experience.html
There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
My heart hurts. Dealing with questioning myself once again, the shame tore at me. Something must be wrong with me for her to basically invalidate me and minimize my feelings and feel the rejection deeply. The one that taught me different and encouraged me all those years and knows better. I feel totally confused. 
Shame
Just Pondering... 