Healing – Page 4 – Just Pondering…

Accelerate

October 20, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

3E25D218-716C-4109-83EC-BB9EA2750E57 There have been so many years to where I was stuck in a depressed state of mind, body and spirit in my life that I did not see a way through the dark pit of despair.

Walking aimlessly day to day from home to work and back again was my life. No goals, desires or dreams, total hopelessness. Wearing the mask of a smile while tending to the bandages wrapped around my broken and frail heart. Will there ever be more, I would ask so often within myself of my life here on out. I saw no hope.

Now it seems that this past year, everything has been accelerated, as in making up for lost time.

Last September, I took a medical class that was completed in eight weeks. Let me tell you, it was accelerated and more so for this old mind to grasp, but I passed with a 94.

Now I joke when I tell those that need to know, like a new doctor recently, that I am presently seeing two counselors a week. While they overlap in topics at times, one I feel is to get me through a loss through feelings of abandonment and where I lost ground somewhat and the other is to push me forward. So, I told him that I am in accelerated counseling, and we both laughed. Funny but true. I have lost too much in my life and I need to regain my years back, as my age is adding up to numbers that I find I shake my head at in shock. I want more in life and I know the Lord has more for me.

Part of my loss has been in my marriage, as I have mentioned in my writings at times. Recently, talking to a sweet, young girl in our office the other day when she dropped off paperwork for me, well basically listening as she spoke more to my assistant. I could not help but ache for her and encourage her before leaving. Here she is living with a guy for seven years, recently engaged of which I think pushed by her and understandably so, after seven years together. They are both miserable and she wants out but feels stuck, as she feels seven years will be wasted. Hopelessly feeling she has to start again. In my mind and my assistant’s mind, it is better to leave now before marriage, house and children. Run sweetheart run! Who knows but God what is in store for her but hopefully more than a sad, depressed and unhappy relationship whether married or not. Good news, she left.

So many things have happened in this last year moreso that I cannot help but see the Hand of God at work. While it was rough and I took a nosedive last fall/winter, I was being pulled through with my nose to the grind in the medical class, while most times falling apart in an emotional chaos afterward. Another approach was with the acceleration with counseling this year that was put in place to keep me focused. Most importantly, trusting the Lord that He surely has a purpose and a plan for my life. There is light at the end of this tunnel and I am going through. D2B58A4D-9428-4B02-898D-0BA474E1422B

We all need to make a choice of staying stuck or moving through. I was stuck for way too long, still am, but I want more. As they say, no hell or high water will stop me now. I have a goal, which is to move forward. Unsure what and where forward is right now but I know to keep going. I want the last course of my life to be fun, enjoyable knowing the Lord loves me and is with me.

You, too, have a choice. Unsure where you are, whether spinning your wheels or stuck in the mud, as I have been there. Decide you want more. Take care of you. If you need counseling to figure life out, get counseling. If your energy level is depleted, go see your doctor and get blood work. It might be that you are low in iron or off in other areas within your body. If depressed, get an anti-depressant for a bit to get over the hump. Go for a walk, if just for fifteen minutes or stand outside (then you can say… you are Outstanding) and look around and breathe. It is a start. Nobody can do this for you. You have to make a choice that you want more and that you are important enough. You Are!

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/god-can-restor-your-lost-years/

Escape Plan

October 18, 2019October 18, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

33D9F4A0-764B-49AD-9BCD-7CB884F1E342 I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.

No doubt, at certain times or in joking, the lyrics of that song were sung and maybe deep down wishing it to be true. I know I have, many times.

Remembering a time while talking to my counselor yesterday, there was a time I did take a jet plane and flew out west to visit a friend. I needed time away and was desperate to get out of my life, an escape. It was probably the worst time of my life, feeling lost and numb and wanting to walk away from everything and everybody. Trusting few as my trust in others was growing smaller and smaller. How could I open up to a pastor or church leadership when the preaching and so forth was on faith, trust God, your joy is in the Lord, etc. Why be subjected to more pressure of not having enough faith and be disillusioned even further of my church family that seemed as distant and trustworthy as my own family. Where do I go?

Thankfully, through these years, I knew enough and was strong enough in my Christian walk to know that the Lord was my only hope. I have always heard through many sermons that we must know the Bible enough to grasp hold to the words as if we did not have a Bible to reference. Plus, we cannot depend upon others to walk this Christian way for us. I was learning that well through this dark, lonely wilderness. I had nobody. At times I felt invisible and walking through a maze blindly.

Since that time, I have managed and all by the Grace of God. When I felt so alone, I knew deep down that He knew my name and He knew where I was and I had to say those words aloud so many times in desperation, “Lord, you know my name and you know where I am.” It has been hard at times and still feeling my way through the maze of chaos and confusion but the end is in sight, I know it is. There is joy and then there is fear and sometimes they seem to slap one another within my mind. 13578DBA-BF26-4992-B77D-DC5431BEBD1B

I am at a point again to escape but this time to settle some things and get a new perspective, alone. Just me and God. A sweet friend said the other day that she did this at a pivotal point in her life, just her and God hashing it out. That is exactly where I am. To escape as there has to be more and I need His direction.

Life can be overwhelming and we can be consumed with hopelessness in situations. If you make no changes in your circumstances, nothing will change. We have to make a decision to want more. I seriously started with this change back in 2014. It seems like forever ago but there was a lot to sift through and I do not regret the time spent, financial aspect or the emotions expressed. I am not the same person I was when I walked in my counselor’s office the first day, back in September, 2014. I had to and you have to make a decision to start taking care of YOU. Nobody will do this for you.

Sometimes we have to escape to find ourselves. It’s okay!

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“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me.Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove. I would fly away and be at rest;yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah. I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest” (Psalm 55:6-8).

https://stillnessofthemorning.wordpress.com/tag/psalm-556-8/

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Afraid of Me

September 24, 2019September 24, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Last night, as I sat down in our first class, which will be held one night a week for eight weeks, I was feeling apprehensive. I was feeling out of place, not for the purpose of the class but me wanting to withdraw. I like to keep my commitments but honestly I did not want to be there, at all. This was not a required class, but a volunteered one to sign up and go to and for all things, weight loss. No doubt, every lady in this classroom was feeling the same. Thinking and feeling, just another attempt of a losing battle, my weight.

Since I was not one-hundred percent of my desire to continue past this first night, I did not buy the booklet, which was recommended. Knowing how I am, I buy such things and that is it, they do not get used and finally thrown out. I was being persistent in my thoughts of I am not buying this book. Just that rebellious attitude, and not flipping through the booklet like others, I was an odd (wo)man out.

The lady who was leading this group is a very good speaker and she herself has lost the weight and kept it off, keeping the focus on the Lord and depending upon Him. This all makes sense and sounds easy enough but… when we fail and have those sweet treats and the calories build due to whatever we are dealing with or just boredom, then Satan beats us up with shame, failure and our loser mentality. Plus the fact, we failed God yet again, we did not keep Him first in our eating habits. Hopelessness comes. I hate when all that happens.

It was when she spoke about the next part, of how the Lord is with us and wants us to be with Him. To trust Him to pull back the layers of our emotions, which is why we normally eat. The emotional eating is big with me, as with many. Let me eat those cookies to ease the sadness. Maybe the cake and ice cream because I am upset and angry over a situation. Well, you know also that we need to celebrate our co-worker’s third marriage or whatever celebration it is for the day. No doubt, you know how it goes, especially if you also struggle with weight issues. The sadness, frustration, anger, etc., can overtake us to where we think it will all be better to eat. The Lord wants us to come to Him with our emotions, anything and everything, as He is always present. Acknowledge Him.

Since I have been in counseling the past five years and have dug my heels in and have come a long way, I know the emotional turmoil myself. Perhaps this is my next level to concentrate further. Not that I have not included the Lord, because I have, I have had to.

While that spoke to me on a deeper level, of peeling back the layers, it was when she said that Satan was afraid of you (me). That hit me big time. He has big plans for someone in this room and Satan does not want you to feel confident and grow in the Lord. I took that all personal and that is a good thing. I do have an excitement within and joy of what the Lord is doing in and with me but times come that this is crazy thinking. I think not. Like I mentioned, I have worked hard and pushed through a lot and some hell and I believe there is a new me about to happen and while Satan is afraid of me, I think I am afraid of me, too, in a good way. C07B393A-D629-4517-A2DC-0E726610DD35

I, of course, bought the book. What God has started, He will finish. I know there is a plan and a purpose for me.

What emotions are in your life that need the layers pulled back? Are you struggling with your weight, an addiction, etc. We tend to stuff our emotions down and not acknowledge, keep busy to ignore but what He wants is for you, me, all of us to come to Him and allow Him to be in the midst so we can heal from the pain.

Always know, He also has a plan and a purpose for you. Trust Him.

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