Stepping Stones

I was recently told by my former counselor that she was just a stepping stone in my journey of healing. So true but so hard to grasp when my heart was breaking reading the truth. Fear of letting go and going forward is scary. img_0304

As I remember my past and each person involved in my life, just like yours, they were each stepping stones to where we are today. Each one, we learn from and grow while in some of those brought hurt and sadness and are stumbling blocks. Either way, through each, they pushed us forward.

I don’t like change and this last stone I was pushed off due to circumstances out of her control, which made me unsteady. Actually, they all do but with most recent ones, the distress is great.

ADB8E177-52DF-4509-B97B-FF79A7DD854DTo recognize and accept finally, it makes it easier to understand and go forward. Reminding yourself, you can do this and you do.

No matter of those before, they will always be a part of your life and testimony. I would not be where I am today had it not been for each person that was a stepping stone in my life. For that, I am thankful.

B1336C71-9397-4B79-8801-EB0B05C9D46DI am stepping onward, sometimes in faith believing, and moving forward. We have to in order to grow and heal.

The Lord has a plan for each of our lives and He will get us to where we need to be. Trust Him as you go about the stepping stones in life.

A0DC5E2E-86A6-41EF-B317-18017089E432

Always Searching

FBFDEB86-FA98-4CFA-8208-F85F595C43D4Today as I go about life on my day off cleaning and doing the mundane things keeping a house, my many breaks tend to leave me researching for whatever is before me.  It’s finding out information and learning.  Google has become my best friend at times, always there, 24/7.

Even today, my mind is bogged down with questions.  I need advice and direction.  What would be nice is to talk 9DC5C451-2B7E-4A64-A913-963B7FC39F29to my former counselor and to get her perspective but that door has closed.  I’m left to search and ponder the unknown until there is an answer or peace in knowing what I think is okay and doing.  Time!

It is good to stretch your brain to learn but it becomes lonely when there is nobody you can turn to that will understand or validate the chaos within.  While yes, ‘nobody’ is a big field to say,  but there are some things that I would rather not discuss with many and at times proven to be the case.

AA7BA65A-E3D3-4208-A5C2-B3646A9FB7B0Searching.  It comes down to and to be reminded that we are to seek God and He will give us truth, answers and faith.  He is there 24/7.  He wants us to search and know Him.

Lord, I need direction, I need answers and most of all, I need You.  It’s as simple as that, and peace in the unknown comes as we put our trust in Him.

We will always be searching for this or that in life but it is when we trust Him, peace will come and that He will give us what we need, at the time we need.  God’s Timing!

F8BE6B21-B32A-422C-85F6-AD3EB2D9D611

FD275942-5AAC-4180-A880-25B526A44430

 

A Changing Heart

EA46BC12-7A8B-49FE-B638-1CA236B7E3B6On Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church in anticipation, as I truly love my late church service, I felt time was moving so slow.   What was I doing so different than other mornings, as each time I looked at the clock, it only moved minutes from the last observance.

As I drove toward church, with extra time, I went out of my way knowing the traffic from the earlier service would be chaotic due to a recent addition made so I drove around.  Time being available but also in hopes of passing someone that I had not seen for months.

07B036A7-ACE5-4A4C-9FC2-7045D831AEDDIn all that, I found my memories, thoughts and emotions were being affected. My heart becoming heavy and fighting back tears due to grief felt.  Aware of the sadness, as I found my seat, I tried to immerse myself in the worship once the music began.  I tried and did but it was a battle.

As I began to worship and realize that the Lord knows the hurt and grief within, I know He loves me, is healing broken pieces within me and has a plan for me.  He will not let this pain go to waste.

95CEFA90-2892-4F8B-83F6-46B49994BC3FIt was then when I felt light hearted and a refreshing come over me.  It was when I put my eyes, my thoughts and worship toward Him. I could feel joy.

To walk in heavy hearted and to leave light hearted, just within that time period was evidence and knowledge enough to know I am (we are) to look to Him and praise Him.   Acknowledge Him continuously in our daily lives, not just in church.  EDD028E1-1AED-4A58-89F9-3D7F31DF8F6B

People will let us down over and over, disappointments come and things in life just happens but perhaps and many times to push us toward Him.  A lesson learned and repeated but worth it.

2D7B2273-A557-420F-95F1-A62D5FE8BE31

Gently Woven

4156B4E3-9EAE-4A84-BFA9-DE9EAD041FD3There have been times in life, I have wanted to forget something that I did or happened because the thought either brought torment, insecurity, embarrassment, etc.  No doubt, you also.  Things happen in life.

Plus, there have been times I have wanted to forget somebody or several due to being hurt, etc.  The pain of remembering either/or was too great.

Giving thought to how to forget, I found myself Googling just that.  Believe it or not, Google comes through yet again.

As I read the information and the six to ten steps on how to forget someone, etc., I had to laugh at some and come to the realization that no matter what you do in following the steps and recommendations, you can truly not forget.  Our brain is so complex that a scent, sight or memory will be triggered.

06AB7B8F-F83B-4FF0-91BA-26F25A57817BAlthough the pain, as in my instance recently, I would like to forget in order to ease the pain, but in all honesty, I really do not want to forget.  I just want to get through the pain and I will.   Plus, I know that their life is woven into mine and always will be, and mine in theirs.

770B8D89-A272-41BF-B607-CF77AB91ED78So many facets of my life are connected that I do not want to forget how they all came about. To toss them aside, to delete and block out all of the resources received, learned and love shown, it would be impossible.  My life has been and was touched.

Given thought to another, someone that caused me great pain and years to require forgiveness and come to terms with the hatred they have toward me, still they are woven in my life and I am theirs, whether they like it or not.  They can try to shut me out of their lives but family is family and the blood is there.  Still woven, just not so tightly.

Believe it or not, your reading this, we are woven together.  There might be something down the road that will bring this to your remembrance by being with someone.  You have touched a life of someone or they have touched yours.  Woven.

C7F290DA-C949-404F-B93E-E3C4BE8739CD

No matter how or whom we come in contact with, we are gently woven with one another.  It’s pretty awesome to think of how we can or others affect one another.  Perhaps just a kind gesture or even a brief smile that made your day or a touch of somebody’s hand on your arm to encourage.

In life, we are woven to care and show God’s Love.

62F7E747-0ECE-4151-B7FC-477B8BFC6F4F

Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

A1AB2B61-01B4-4E68-8FA4-8996C8A13BFB

Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

B951AB74-E980-41C4-A786-88E0A20D0AFA

 

 

Another Dead Box?

7A0A61F6-70A2-4336-B5CD-7C83579C9A26While I am not a hoarder, I do keep things; each matter in their own box, somewhat organized and stored in the eaves of my attic.

Through the years of dealing with the estates of my parents and brother, they each have their own box of what I wanted and needed to keep after their passing.  Sadly, this is all that is left of their life, a dead box of memories, keepsakes and possessions.  There is guilt that comes of that but you cannot keep everything, you have to let go.  I had to.

I tend to keep my notes, journals, calendars, etc., and have since a child, never knowing why I held onto them. They have proved to come in handy and really do not take up much room, just a few storage boxes, of my own life.

With mine, I had to dig deep within them this last bout with my counselor, back to my childhood.  With that, I learned a lot of what I had lacked as a child and how it has and is affecting me today.  Sometimes, I thought it would be easier to keep my head in the sand just knowing something was not right than poking at it, which we did, but deep down I wanted to understand me.

Putting names with areas of emotional distress (attachment, abandonment, trauma, shame, childhood emotional neglect, just to name a few) opens up areas I never knew before.  They are all real and felt.

As my counseling ended recently, there is an overwhelming feeling of many of those emotions being triggered.  To the point of wanting to run and put my head in the sand.  Perhaps like a test.

B2A81AF4-884E-42BC-AC09-C84360FA0F85Realizing before, I felt this way or that way but to now understand, have a name for what I am experiencing or feeling, I am thinking it has been harder.  I am aware and the intensity of the pain has been quite disturbing at times.  As I was exhibiting this or that and to my dismay, I recognized what was happening.  It’s a new way for me, to recognize, express, name and grasp to hopefully heal in these areas.

So through the pain, just the feeling of the abandonment being more intense, I could grasp that is what it was.  It was safe for me to cry and to give myself time to grieve and I will for awhile.  I can say, too, that I am angry with the way it ended, as I feel it could have been handled differently, basically more respectful, especially her knowing me.  That’s rough to say but truth.  Now leaving me with several questions that may never have answers.  Feeling all of these emotions, naming them is good but not easy.  It’s normal to grieve a relationship lost.

As much as this situation hurt, I feel I am coming through it easier just knowing and realizing what is happening, how it is affecting me and what I am doing.  Being mindful.  Tears come and they are also normal.

536CF7B6-D31E-4899-8895-5AAB8B9390F1While I have a storage box full from our years of counseling of notes, etc., it sits untouched right now but still in my sight, not stored.  There was too much invested in my life through her.  Some but not all healing in me is complete to put this box aside and ignore.  I know in time, I will and can still go through the many notes, copies of research done, open up and remember our sessions and still grasp many golden nuggets to continue for growth and healing.

F5B28577-7295-4887-B8A9-1575BBD83E09Maybe I need to name this box a Treasure Chest instead of another dead box because of the time spent in the many hours of counseling over four years. Even through the pain now, I’m thankful and feel blessed to have had her in my life. Everything within that box has brought me to where I am today and I believe it was orchestrated by God.

Isolation Stops Here

63BADBC8-34A8-4B71-83EB-6A330D5AE5DDWhile being alone at times can be helpful in order to get re-charged, spend time with God, which is all normal but other times it can be detrimental.

Years ago, after several family estate issues I tended to and lies were said about me to many, I begin to believe the hurtful lies and question my own worth.  You can believe that the enemy took hold real quick.  I avoided life itself, a prison within my own home and within myself.  I was dying and actually that would have been a relief.  Satan wants nothing more than to kill, steal and destroy.  I knew that but no energy to fight.

I had a choice, to live or to die.  I’m still here!  It has not been easy and heartache and pain still hits.  I know the ones that are still lying and saying things about me to those that will listen.  I cannot control those situations.  Some thrive on drama and such.  Know them by their fruits, forgive and move on.  The Lord said He would fight my battles.  I have to trust Him.

Dealing with a situation recently, I wanted to crawl back into the dark pit of despair of isolation.  To not trust anyone, feeling sadness, anger, depression, etc.

While I canceled one social event because of being emotionally overwhelmed, I had another event today.  I came very close, a couple of times to do the same, but I pushed through.81519706-EA83-4A56-942B-4F914147BAA2

I never want isolation to control me ever again causing rejection, inferiority and every other evil plot that Satan can throw at me.

I have worked too long and hard through the last four years to drop back down to the depths of despair.35FFCE95-2B34-42F7-A7B8-5CE71FB049A8

Plus, I love the fact that even through this pull to remain within my four walls, the Lord has been gracious enough to open up His Word to me, reading various writings of exactly what I am dealing with, as if they were written just for me, which increased my faith and to remind me of His Love for me.  That’s God.

Push through the lies, push through the despair within and draw close to the Lord.  You may feel dead within and walking blindly.  Through the anguish, if all you can say is Jesus, He understands you and He knows.

(Personalize the following)9F84ED27-50EB-4647-A778-6CE4A1A3BD90

He knows your (my) name.

He knows where you are (I am).

He loves you (me).