The roots of abandonment can go far and be buried in the depths of your soul, well mine anyway. While I know I am not alone, as I have read too much of others confessing the same. It just makes you feel alone, that nobody cares and the sadness can swallow one up in a gulp.
Today was no exception. I opened up an area that I just tend to scrape the surface but that scab fell off and I was in pain from the triggered effect. Oh my God, how much more do I need to deal with this pain in my life? Will it ever go away? Have I been pushing down all the emotions still, all along? Honestly, I know that answer. I do. It has been a lifelong trait that I fall into easier.
The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind. It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her. I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.
So many times, I would love to retreat and do the same, to allow my creativity to flow. My life experiences in snippets only show up here through my own emotional battles.
Recognizing my emotions and naming the loss and sadness that I was feeling was the easy part. Years ago, I did not know to do that so I have advanced in this turmoil, thanks to my counselor. It is how to move forward and heal from it, I find hard. So like Erica, I can wail, scream through my distress while 
wiping the tears as they flow. That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat. Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.
Praying, Lord I need you to love me through this loss, this pain.
Knowing, too, I was tired from a long weekend and then a long day at work. I needed a nap, which I took. It is self-care to do such and we all need that, too. It is not always laziness but to recharge what is depleted and my emotional tank was running on empty.
Give yourself grace through these times, if you experience. We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives. It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing. Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain. Preaching to myself, right here. Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward. The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it. With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long. My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right. It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it. We’ve got this! One day at a time.
This morning as I was walking with my walking buddy, we discussed how when we did not have two nickels to rub together, as they say, when young and starting out on our own, that someone helped us. Today, we have not forgotten the person or their kindness, not to mention the expense. Paying forward now is what we do and hopefully the trend continues.
parents still, which was fine then. Our telephone rang, I answered and it was a lady we know stating her rental house was available. Great, I’ll tell my bother and sister-in-law was my thought. As I walked up to the finished attic that served as my living room and bedroom, I kept hearing, ‘It’s for you.’ Each time, it was if I could turn around and see somebody standing and saying ‘It’s for you.’ A little spooky. Those words would not leave.
Okay, fine! I called the lady back and inquired about the small, shotgun-type house and, of course, her husband had the time to show it to me right then. So, I went to look at it. I picked it apart in my mind of what it needed, did not have and built my case to show the Lord it was not for me. No doubt, He knew I would try to prove Him wrong.
So much to say and to interject but I keep getting interrupted. Seriously! What gives? Am I not important? Are my comments not of importance? Sometimes I feel invisible and not seen or heard.
listen to me as I am not finished talking. I just move on and forget my information or story, who cares, is my attitude. Maybe I am boring but still she doesn’t know me truly but this has been my life. Nobody really knows me. Perhaps this is why I like to write.
Most importantly… He knows my voice and He knows your voice.
Just Pondering... 