Emotions – Page 46 – Just Pondering…

So Done, So Stuck

April 13, 2019April 14, 2019ponderingmissylou3 Comments

B55D7BA5-C109-42D4-90E4-EBF70E1617E4 Tonight, when going out for a walk, I was reminded just how blah my marriage is and has been. Returning from my walk, him sitting on our porch reading his sci-if book, the same. No nothing! No joy, no expression, no emotion, no comment. Nothing. Like a living dead man. In his own little world. I realize I deal with Aspergers with him, which I learned about just over four years ago from my former counselor. To know that, helps knowing I am not crazy but living this way, can make one crazy. It is a sad, lonely life. For better or for worse, the wedding vows echo and will be told, while trusted ones that know my situation say, leave.

If you are wondering why I stay. Financially, I stay, as most wives do. Before and still, it’s because of the kids. Stuck.

To daydream of having a man to talk to and share that will understand, have empathy, to touch my face and wipe tears as they fall, to laugh and act like kids sometimes, to grab me and kiss or hug me for no reason at all but because he enjoys being with me, loves me and tells me so. Fun, I want fun and I need laughter whether in daily living, at an amusement park or in bed. Is this being unrealistic? Marriage or any relationship has its good and bad days but… every day, every year?

To daydream about walking out the door and never return has not come for awhile but tonight it did. Leave it all. Just get in my car and leave. He can have it all, the house, savings, full benefits, bills, etc. Realizing, I have spent too many years to help build what we have and I am entitled to fifty percent of everything, I won’t just leave. The thought of preparing to split everything fifty-fifty, sell our house, etc., I will have to do it and arrange all the details, as he won’t. Nothing! My body just aches of the thought of the burden I have carried and will carry to make this dream come alive. I’m tired. So, I sleep and another day comes of the same. Easier to dream of leaving it.

To daydream of just being free. I can breathe.

I have held on this far and I will continue. I have to trust that the Lord is allowing me to heal in areas to get strong within myself and one day, make my dream come true of having nothing of a marriage to having a life free of being and feeling drained. I am taking care of me in my own life spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. It has taken me years to be where I am. Life of joy and purpose is returning to me.

Lord, hear my cry, see my tears, read the words in my writing, I know you know my name, where I have been with this and where I am. I’m tired. There has to be more.

A great book if you or someone you know is dealing with Aspergers.

664f4e88-4904-4617-882f-c6bd7a128a14-15865-000003a53111bd92

Thrown Out to the Wolves

April 7, 2019April 7, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

2C082FB0-2E80-42E6-BB9B-CD20F2D371D6 Due to many weeks of building construction and using a side door to get to my counseling session, now many months ago, it was exciting to watch the progress and new facelift of the building be revealed. I enjoy renovations.

It was during this construction and after my counseling sessions, my counselor would walk me to the side door, which was nice of her to do although uncomfortable. Knowing that she had to unlock the door to let me out and re-lock once out, I got that. Plus, I liked that she was secure in a now empty building.

For whatever reason though, each time we walked through the hallway to the exit and usually I am tagging behind her a couple of steps, I felt a sense of dread.

Our session was over, so just random everyday talk while walking was awkward. I could talk to her about my life, what my weekend plans were, etc., but hers could muddy the water as her personal life is off limits unless she opened up, which was rare and I understand that, too. Once when on the walk to the door, passing the main office, she said the office secretary was a friend. I get that, I do, but just another part of me not accepted to be in her life as a friend, because I am a client, rejection hit my heart.

I would love to be friends with her but I need her expertise in counseling. Still the walk to the exit of dread, knowing she is her friend, I am not, my emotions of sadness and even jealousy smacked me around for a bit.

Oh the dreaded walk. After the second time, I knew I could not do that again. To have a few extra minutes with her was nice but not either. It is like a kick of her foot on my backside of saying get out when at the door. Odds are a childhood feeling and my adult life of not being wanted and triggered. Imagine that!

The one good thing was the last words I heard her say to me at our last session. As we were ending our session, at the door to once again do the walk, I stopped and asked her to not walk me out. Give me a couple of minutes and then lock the door. My explanation to her was that I felt like she was throwing me out to the wolves. That is how I felt and I could not take that again. Her reply was, hesitating but then with a smile and feeling pleased I feel was, ‘you are taking care of you.’ We parted ways never to see each other again.

As much as I miss her and our sessions, that was a good parting of ways. I am glad that the moment was etched in my brain of this ending. I am taking care of me and will continue. I feel the Lord is healing broken places within me, and I want.

Even though situations in life can throw us through some memories to trigger the feelings within us and make us feel unwanted, rejected, bring sadness, and whatever else, it is then that we must know that the Lord will never throw us out to the wolves. He loves us.

A4B38C24-4F3D-4626-950C-8A5B5EAAA29A

Do Not Cry!

March 31, 2019March 31, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

A6F81475-ECE3-4F9F-AE52-53929BA045B9 Is every family dysfunctional? I just do not understand sometimes. A lady I work with said once to me and we laughed as it hit home, too, but said, ‘If you look up the word dysfunction in the dictionary, a picture of my family is there.’

Each of us are unique and each family. We all have hang ups and quirks. Life.

I have been recognizing and understanding my own life and family dynamics moreso the last several years while in counseling, has been eye opening.

Just over a month ago now, my older sister and I were on our way to see a movie, just to have some fun hanging out. On the way, something happened that would change things in my life. Disappointment and sadness gripped my soul.

I normally contain my emotions with her, as that is one of the shameful things within our family. We must be able to be strong and controlled. No crying or sign of weakness. I could not. I could not continue the outing so I took her back home so I could just fall apart of which I did.

Still to this day, no contact from her calling to check on me. I find that interesting and even hurtful but then again understanding that concept of being strong and controlled, which she maintains and that I must, too. Just the get over it mentality. I cannot do that. Plus, I don’t want that. There is a time and place to be strong and controlled in our emotions, such as work, but she could clearly see I was at a real breaking point emotionally in my life.

That situation, which was major to me, but nothing to her. No empathy. What devastated me so much, that situation was to disappear and no longer affect me. It goes under the rug, never to be remembered or spoken. That’s been my life. To marry a man with the same concept of emotions, too. I have hid my tears way too long. Interesting, after writing this, I ran into her at the grocery store today. Strangers as sisters.

I am not the same person I was walking into my counselor’s door many years ago and drawing closer to the Lord in my relationship with Him. Thank God.

It’s okay to have emotions and to not feel shameful for having them. It is okay to cry, sometimes cry like a baby. What is not okay is to dismiss the emotions whether in yourself or others.

Just a few Bible verses on crying. Most importantly, even Jesus wept:

“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry” (Psalm 34:15).

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled … Jesus wept” (John 11:33, 35).

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

“Put my tears in Your bottle” (Psalm 56:8).