Discouragement – Page 13 – Just Pondering…

Do Over

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylou2 Comments

I want a do over!

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Thats my temper tantrum for today. Well, at this moment. They can come an go at anytime although I know how to grin and bear it just as much. Life.

Life not what I expected. I always thought that once the empty nest came, focus on the marriage and time together would be fun and enjoyable.

Some say to leave, others know of that commitment made in a host of family and friends and above all, God. You know the one, for better, for worse. Hmmm…

While I have had a roof over my head and food on my table, etc., the Lord truly has provided. I have great children that are independent and successful. I have everything I need, right?

1C7F3826-D31B-4674-950E-32CF5D84EB99 My life is boredom, only to be recognized and commented on by my counselor that all I do is go to work and go home (church services) and repeat. How could I disagree with his statement but in my mind think, ‘We’ll thank you very much for that Mr. Counselor.’ Although, I have done a few fun things this year, so I have branched out. Yay, me!

I want to plan a trip with a girlfriend to shop, talk and laugh for hours to celebrate my big birthday this fall but knowing we might need the money, I hesitate. Selfishness on my part, I feel. So I remain with my schedule of work, home and repeat. It gets old. Goodness, I am getting old.

Dealing with Aspergers in him, my energy level drains quick when with him or even in the house and I need time to recharge. I can only take so much. Small doses. When too much, my mental and emotional levels drop and then affect my physical life. 49C79EA5-8FDE-43D0-B06C-621FCECA9CE1

I have noticed this many times before, although dealing with it for many, many years. Just today moreso, paying attention to how it affects me. A few hours yesterday working in our landscape. It’s our black/white talking (saying the same thing but differently), reminding him of what I just said seconds before (put birdbath here while tapping on spot but puts another place, saying don’t put rock here but does and this happening several times. Like dealing with a child. Exhausting. Today, I quietly walk within my own home to not wake him as he is in his tv room downstairs to go through the same or hearing him carry on a conversation with himself about whatever all the while whispering to myself, ‘Do not wake the dead.’ No more. My cup is empty. I look forward to going back to work tomorrow. Then, there is my pattern yet again, work and home.

While I am sad, bored and lonely, I truly am happy and feel blessed. It could be worse!

AD426E2A-61BD-4B20-AB4A-33426AC28840 The Lord knows all about this and I have to put my trust in Him to help me through it. Compared to years before, I have come through a lot, trust me, and I am getting through it still. Just disappointing at times, as I want and need more joy and laughter.

Thank God I had enough wisdom and willpower to contact a counselor and go, now almost five years ago. While she is no longer my counselor but was for four years, I gained so much in all areas of my life. I still see counselors and plan to get through this life.

This pattern and not knowing of Aspergers when I walked through her door back then was making me crazy. Had it not been for going for counseling, I do not know where I would be today. This is a great book. 👉🏻

For now, my temper tantrum is less… until next time. Thanks for spending it with me. 😉 ML

Despondent

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself. I understand the wall and isolation. I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues. I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be. Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he? I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through. Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147 Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

Play Dead

June 16, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Life has a way of throwing one for a loop sometimes. For the most part, it is good and a happy, fun time but other times, it can make you shake your head and stop you in your tracks. Just overwhelmed.

For whatever reason, I gave thought the other day of the load I have carried for many, many years and while now it is easier due understanding many areas, but I was weighted down. The stress was too much. Probably typical of each person as responsibility and burdens comes and increases due to all types of situations. Apparently, that day I was feeling the load of stress and of life in all areas.

Back when I was in a counseling session with my former counselor, we went through this several times of looking at various little hard-rubber animals sitting on the table near to where I was sitting (frog, raccoon, beaver, opossum and a couple of others) and I had to figure out which one represented me. As crazy as it was, each time we did this, it was the possum. The reason being, it was the load I always had to carry and still. Many of their characteristics, I can relate to. Today, I’d still pick the same.

Although we never discussed in counseling what these silly animals represented and why we played that so-called Therapy game, I will always wonder why, her thoughts and the reasoning behind this task in counseling.

Just a month or so ago when writing this, dealing with a final decision of a serious matter, as I normally have to make because I knew my husband would not make, it was on my mind. Plus, recently dealing with my son being overwhelmed and crazy enough, I felt it today myself. Frozen in the anxiety of it all. Do you ever feel overwhelmed?

So at those times, when over my load limit, overwhelmed and all, I guess I just want to play dead as the possum will do. I’m tired, I cannot go much more, etc.

Just as an ole possum, it gets back up and continues on with life just as we all do. Just life!

So no matter what is before me, my son or if you are overwhelmed take a break and then get back up and continue on. It’s just temporary.

You’ve Got This! 😊