Do Over

I want a do over!

     I want a do over!  

          I want a do over!

31F7A4DD-57BF-439D-82A4-A8C5D189784A

Thats my temper tantrum for today. Well, at this moment. They can come an go at anytime although I know how to grin and bear it just as much.  Life.

Life not what I expected.  I always thought that once the empty nest came, focus on the marriage and time together would be fun and enjoyable.

F9934A80-92E0-4643-B3EC-488EA25447B2Some say to leave, others know of that commitment made in a host of family and friends and above all, God.  You know the one, for better, for worse.  Hmmm…

While I have had a roof over my head and food on my table, etc., the Lord truly has provided.  I have great children that are independent and successful.  I have everything I need, right?

1C7F3826-D31B-4674-950E-32CF5D84EB99My life is boredom, only to be recognized and commented on by my counselor that all I do is go to work and go home (church services) and repeat.  How could I disagree with his statement but in my mind think, ‘We’ll thank you very much for that Mr. Counselor.’  Although, I have done a few fun things this year, so I have branched out.  Yay, me!

I want to plan a trip with a girlfriend to shop, talk and laugh for hours to celebrate my big birthday this fall but knowing we might need the money, I hesitate.  Selfishness on my part, I feel.  So I remain with my schedule of work, home and repeat.  It gets old.  Goodness, I am getting old.

Dealing with Aspergers in him, my energy level drains quick when with him or even in the house and I need time to recharge.  I can only take so much.  Small doses.  When too much, my mental and emotional levels drop and then affect my physical life.49C79EA5-8FDE-43D0-B06C-621FCECA9CE1

I have noticed this many times before, although dealing with it for many, many years.  Just today moreso, paying attention to how it affects me.  A few hours yesterday working in our landscape.  It’s our black/white talking (saying the same thing but differently), reminding him of what I just said seconds before (put birdbath here while tapping on spot but puts another place, saying don’t put rock here but does and this happening several times.  Like dealing with a child. Exhausting.  Today, I quietly walk within my own home to not wake him as he is in his tv room downstairs to go through the same or hearing him carry on a conversation with himself about whatever all the while whispering to myself, ‘Do not wake the dead.’  No more.  My cup is empty.  I look forward to going back to work tomorrow. 760F8DBB-5B03-463A-92B1-F9D3D5D1F8CFThen, there is my pattern yet again, work and home.

While I am sad, bored and lonely, I truly am happy and feel blessed.  It could be worse!

AD426E2A-61BD-4B20-AB4A-33426AC28840The Lord knows all about this and I have to put my trust in Him to help me through it.  Compared to years before, I have come through a lot, trust me, and I am getting through it still.  Just disappointing at times, as I want and need more joy and laughter.

Thank God I had enough wisdom and willpower to contact a counselor and go, now almost five years ago.  While she is no longer my counselor but was for four years, I gained so much in all areas of my life.  I still see counselors and plan to get through this life.

B48B6340-8519-45E6-84E4-CE840CED5124This pattern and not knowing of Aspergers when I walked through her door back then was making me crazy.  Had it not been for going for counseling, I do not know where I would be today.  This is a great book.  👉🏻

For now, my temper tantrum is less… until next time.  Thanks for spending it with me. 😉 ML

 

2 thoughts on “Do Over

  1. How do you do it? How do you stay? I’m 15 years in and I don’t know how to stay in… I’m bored and unfulfilled… I’m going to reach out to a marriage counselor at church but I don’t know how to keep doing the same thing and expecting different…

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