All I can gather is that the emotional toil on my life has zapped me more than I thought. The past two months of losses with animals, loved ones, turmoil with my child of worry and the unknown of what is before me. Exhaustion with it all plus the heat and humidity where I live has caused a lack of energy. Giving myself grace instead of feeling all down, depressed and lazy is a big step for me though. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. It’s okay to have some up and down days, too.
Still, I find that I have struggled with the need to be loved. Is that wrong though? Understanding and grasping why those thoughts come and desire to be loved is part of my childhood, called Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
While I was loved by being in the family, I was not loved or shown love through hugs or physical touch as a child should be given and a lack occurred in my emotions and how to acknowledge them. Sad. Realizing all this finally about four years ago after going through life and questioning what is wrong with me. My former counselor was wise enough to recognize, help me see the pattern and how to notice what is happening in me when I get to the deep yearning of a motherly hug. Mentally and emotionally inside, screaming, ‘please hug me.’ It usually points to the fact I am tired and now, exhausted. I recognize and acknowledge now instead of letting this emotion of sadness of loneliness overtake me. Apparently, I did learn from her. She would be so proud.
Instead of yearning for the motherly hugs from motherly figures around me or even from my counselor, which she gave me often upon leaving our session due to knowing my heart and feeling my basic heartache, I have turned more to the Lord. Lord, hold me through this or I need your loving arms to wrap around me. I need you. Hold me tight, don’t let go. Perhaps learning while knowing, that was what He wanted from me anyway, which was to turn toward Him and allow His Love to fill my heart void of love. No other can fill that void.
Oh, but years of having a deep desire to be held in an embrace of a motherly hug so tight that my emotions would drain from me was always present in my mind.
Throughout this process and understanding, the yearning for the love of motherly figures lessened. Then to lose my wise, sweet counselor due to closing her counseling office, I was beside myself and even angry at her with the way it ended. Although, I am sure and have no doubt that she, too, needed the Love of God through the process and decisions made to close her practice.
Recently, questioning if I am grasping everything we discussed in counseling for years in this area of CEN, as I do not require the hugs nowadays or perhaps I have stuffed my feelings down more-so because I felt hurt yet again by another and especially by her, the one who understood me and knew me best next to God. The walls we build to protect our heart from hurt, they can go up quickly. Pondering this for many months, probably both at times but when I realized I was calling on the Lord for His Arms to hold me, hug me and to feel His Love, that is exactly where I need to be. People, whether, friends, family, church, even counselors, etc., will let us down and hurt us. Normal. Our focus should be on God and know that He truly loves each one of us. To truly grasp that from one growing up feeling unloved, just existing, and love not shown, it is easy to question. Also normal.
He Loves Me! He Loves You! Isn’t that great!?
Grasp it, hold it and yearn and allow His Arms to hold you in whatever you are going through.
Childhood Emotional Neglect – Dr. Jonice Webb https://drjonicewebb.com/