Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes, I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot, and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.
Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. 
It’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.
Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.
In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.
So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.
Crazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.
As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.
I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-
boggling, as my life seemed to take a twist and a turn that I blindly walked. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.
Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. If I need a break, more than a few days, months, or years after today. It’s okay!
At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.
There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.
If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.
accent pillow brought me a peace, like comfort at home.
though? As it is just a pillow. I may never know.
to have and for many to sign. I have it still, of course, safely packed away with my other treasures from youth. Many wrote in my book but because my fifth grade teacher signed it, I wrote about her, too, but to say I was special to her, made that book like gold to me (The Light is On). I cannot get rid of that. Maybe I have just been a sentimental old soul all these years.
I remember this one counseling session, right before she was to leave for a two-week vacation. I hated her vacations although I understood she needed time away like we all do. Still, I was a mess due to the abandonment issues in my life. Two weeks felt like two years. It was this one session, I was aware now of a transitional item, a thing to help such individuals, as myself, adapt through a separation period. It for one is embarrassing, to realize and admit this is an issue when an adult but we worked through it. I had to but I did not like it. I remember saying to her, as I am sitting on the sofa, next to the pretty pillow, as she is in her chair taking notes, but before I left, I told her that I wanted her ink pen and explained why. The pen was held by her hand, writing notes about me while she is listening to me. I wanted that pen. Maybe a quick note was jotted down at that point… crazy.
everything seems to be falling apart. Even a kind smile with no words spoken. Behind the masks these days, the smiles are not as evident but the eyes show care and concern, so accept them and return. Be kind.
indifferent to rude? Let’s lift one another up instead of tearing down or leaving a moment when a kind word would be benefited to cause another to smile and gain hope.
Other times though and thankfully, words were said or in a written form that were burned within my mind and heart that I hold onto to keep hope alive and my steps moving forward to goals and dreams. Those little words of encouragement here and there are like gold. Gold is rare to find, sifting through the muck and sometimes life is trudging through the muck and then one day, a glimpse of gold is found, there is hope to keep going.
Just Pondering... 