Dangling

08473529-FA33-4C38-9A88-D15F42B4751CToday, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her.  At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions.  To graduate was always a joke between us.

D72D1370-20C6-4671-8399-530AF0C76E2DIt was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about.  It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave.  For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her.  But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times.  Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals.  I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path.  I just have to trust Him.

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Afraid to Look

C7537AAC-939A-418A-A6EA-7986FF102360Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  324FC750-C70A-4D50-BC9A-5D57AC9029C5

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me. BC9F1D4C-8A4B-4BCC-BD2C-E747C74735C5

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…D57503A7-24CB-4AC1-87BB-9A0FA5D7DD86

 

Write to Heal

1B8A561F-D74F-48BF-BE5E-FB507F9A26BDYes, that title is correct. I write to heal and I also have a right to heal in my writing.

To journal, to blog, to do whatever to get your thoughts out of your mind, will help. Take time and do it.

BC48FDD7-557E-4DD8-8BE6-6DA5BD9E9E20While I write because it is therapeutic to me and many do, not for monetary gain, but for emotional clarity and healing.  Sometimes that just might be more beneficial.

The other night I read a blog and I felt discouraged afterward but, of course, I realized they were selling their F7610B60-0DAE-42C7-9FFA-5F07ACD0AE57site to help others blog and make money.  I understand that and while their points are legitimate in being a blogger. I will take what I can and learn from it but continue, as is, as I need healing and will grow from it, if just for me.

I am not going to stop because of their input and because of the discouragement felt, which I have done through life to accommodate others.

We all are on a journey.  Perhaps one day, somebody will  read something I wrote and will feel relieved that they are not alone.   To have that happen, knowing you are not alone; it is like a peace and from within them, hope comes alive.

So write from your heart, blog, journal, draw, just be creative to see the words or artwork be displayed in front of your eyes from your fingertips to express what is on your mind and felt within.  Your mind will be less full of the chaos and your body less stressed from carrying it around.

Be free, heal and share.

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